Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I wish I could stop thinking about what it would be like, to have a good Mum.


Last year, I had to start processing and coming to terms with the highly dysfunctional dynamics of my family, which has been painful and devastating.

Since then, I have a habit of seeing fictional people and thinking ‘I wish my Mum was like that’ and then daydreaming about what it would have been like.

I love the movie ‘It’s Complicated’ with Meryl Streep. She is one of my favourite actors, and in this movie she plays a Mum of teenage age and adult children and I just love the character she plays.

I watched this movie about 10 times now.

I would love to have had someone like her as my Mother. This character obviously adores her children, she is intelligent, kind, caring, runs her own business and has a very endearing personality.

This daydreaming though, can often result in my being in tears and having that anxiety pain build in my chest as I come back to reality and what my childhood was like and my very difficult relationship with my Mother.

It’s painful to keep feeling these emotions, and I wonder if they will ever go away.

I cry sometimes and just wish I had a Mum to hold me and hug me and tell me I am loved and everything will be okay.

It’s probably grieving and still processing my past, but whatever it is, hurts.

I deeply feel for anyone who never had the love of a good Mother, or Father.

To have not had either, is truly horrible and leaves an empty hole in your life and heart where this love and security of loving parents, should have resided. That will never be filled.

Dealing with the reality of my life, is painful and overwhelms me sometimes. Well, often at the moment.

I am scared sometimes that I will never get over the pain of the life I have lived.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

(It’s now Sept 2016, and I can confirm I don’t think about this as much as I used to. The deep pain of longing for a mother, a family, has lessoned as I have grieved and processed the trauma and emotions).

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I wish I could stop thinking about what it would be like, to have a good Mum.

  1. I have lived without the love my parents also, so I know how you feel in a way but at the same time it’s hard to relate because I don’t think about it very often. My sister does and she has had difficulty in accepting that they will never change.

  2. This too is my life and was my life. I too have a new day to live different that what was given to me then. I now am the mother I wanted as a child. I just need to keep that in mind when I choose. I learded just as much from what was there or what was not there. I learned I am me now not them or who they said I was or was going to be. I am the mom that I wanted to my kids and a healthy one at that, that is my choice daily to walk out a healthy life in love and example!!!

  3. Again can’t believe someone has hit the nail on the head it hurts like hell my family have never cared wow these articles are so powerful