Last year, I had to start processing and coming to terms with the highly dysfunctional dynamics of my family, which has been painful and devastating.
Since then, I have a habit of seeing fictional people and thinking ‘I wish my Mum was like that’ and then daydreaming about what it would have been like.
I love the movie ‘It’s Complicated’ with Meryl Streep. She is one of my favourite actors, and in this movie she plays a Mum of teenage age and adult children and I just love the character she plays.
I watched this movie about 10 times now.
I would love to have had someone like her as my Mother. This character obviously adores her children, she is intelligent, kind, caring, runs her own business and has a very endearing personality.
This daydreaming though, can often result in my being in tears and having that anxiety pain build in my chest as I come back to reality and what my childhood was like and my very difficult relationship with my Mother.
It’s painful to keep feeling these emotions, and I wonder if they will ever go away.
I cry sometimes and just wish I had a Mum to hold me and hug me and tell me I am loved and everything will be okay.
It’s probably grieving and still processing my past, but whatever it is, hurts.
I deeply feel for anyone who never had the love of a good Mother, or Father.
To have not had either, is truly horrible and leaves an empty hole in your life and heart where this love and security of loving parents, should have resided. That will never be filled.
Dealing with the reality of my life, is painful and overwhelms me sometimes. Well, often at the moment.
I am scared sometimes that I will never get over the pain of the life I have lived.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
(It’s now Sept 2016, and I can confirm I don’t think about this as much as I used to. The deep pain of longing for a mother, a family, has lessoned as I have grieved and processed the trauma and emotions).
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