Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Unable to think in a shallow and superficial way, but some days wish I could.

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I can see so clearly, how people who live shallow and superficial lives, are happier than those who don’t.

People who don’t have depth to their emotions, their thinking, their conscience, little empathy, little emotional intelligence, live a simpler life. And that’s okay, I’m not judging, that’s who they are. It doesn’t mean they are bad people at all, just very different.

I am someone who has deep levels of processing thoughts, assessing humanity, love, compassion, integrity, honesty, need to do what is right. And I know it’s my life that has created this. My need from such a young age to constantly assess people, bad people, to survive, has created a deeper need and ability to think, than someone who hasn’t lived a life like mine.

There are days when I just wish I could be shallow. Just have a much lesser depth of emotions, thoughts etc, because my life would be easier.

My emotions are always felt deeply, including hurt, pain, betrayal, sadness, empathy, compassion, empathy, love.

The further my spiritual journey continues, the further I get from finding superficial things fulfilling, like TV, shopping, clothes, money etc.

I just read the latest Women’s Weekly magazine, and just flicked past all the pages I was not interested in, the superficial things like fashion, and was deeply interested in and shocked to read about the Zaatari camp that has been set up for the Syrians fleeing war. The living conditions are terrible, but they are safe, praise God!

The article described things we never have to see and endure and the tents, or sheds they live in are so far from adequate, but that all they have. 60% of the 280,000 people living there are children. And that breaks my heart and made me cry. There is a new camp being set up that will accommodate 6 times the amount of refugees, because the war will not stop.

Since I read this story, I have googled it and read more and I can’t get it out of my mind and I am so incredibly thankful for the Aussie sheep farmer, who went on to become the man responsible for setting up this camp and physically helps families flee the violence and war that rages on. What a truly incredible man he is and his family and what incredibly needed and important work they are doing. Such an inspiration and I am humbled by his heart and his capacity to actually do something so worthwhile for so many.

The older I get, the more I see self serving in so many people, a sense of entitlement to the life we have been blessed by God with. I see all the people here, who don’t want refugees coming to our country, ‘turn back the boats’ being a big issue so many agree with. And this is all because many people here have such a sense of entitlement and don’t want to share our country, don’t want to help our neighbours. Don’t want their nice lives disrupted by others. So many people who don’t care about those with disabilities, elderly people, people in need.

The prime minister here – Tony Abbot claims to be a Christian, and yet everything he demonstrates, is far from a Christian attitude and the man is highly deceived. I am sure he believes he is heaven bound, but he will have a lot to answer to on judgement day. I’ve always sensed the man has narcissistic traits, his sneering smile and attitudes towards women, his politics, all make me cringe and I have never met the man, but what he displays is certain things I do not like in humanity.

Human suffering bothers me on a deep level, and I know it’s because I have experienced human suffering, loss of hope, wanting to die to stop the pain.

So, I can tap easily into pain and suffering and I find it hard not to do this.

I am really bothered by human sin, and the evil it causes. And I also know many people around me are not.

My husband freely admits that while he finds it sad about human suffering, he doesn’t think about it and I know there needs to be people like him, to do certain jobs. He is a police officer and you have to be able to not feel the emotions and suffering of people he deals with daily. He can deal with the terrible tragedy of a cot death, or a hanging and have an appropriate reaction needed to do his job well. He feels sadness and feels sad for the people grieving, but can walk away and not think about it anymore. Which is good, he needs to be able to do that.

My husband had a very normal childhood, with normal parents and nothing traumatic has occurred in his life and he doesn’t know suffering. He doesn’t think deeply, he doesn’t reflect on sins, he doesn’t think about evil in the world and I know he isn’t affected by emotions at all, like I am. He hasn’t had any experiences in life that have brought him to suffering to understand those emotions and I am happy for him, because his life has been normal, which is good.

But, that is not the life I have had. So, I accept I do know suffering, I do have empathy and I am unable to cut that off.

It’s hard being someone who cannot stop thinking, reflecting, assessing, wondering, seeking more.

I’m sure it’s much easier to be superficial and shallow.

Much easier.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Unable to think in a shallow and superficial way, but some days wish I could.

  1. The very 1st sentence…….. I wish I could today….. Oh I wish I could just check out…… But that goes with the 1st sentence, doesn’t work that way in my life. Servival = Aware of all not checked out………
    I could not read all the post I am over done…….

  2. I can not see fairness in it , You are right. Shallow people are living easier
    I can not find it fair when I feel deep and others feel in some seconds and then live their lives
    I feel I’m imprisoned by this deepness,I really want to experience happiness more but I can not stand being shallow too
    Why some people should live easier and some don’t
    What would be the difference at the end????