Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Music that shows how far I have come, but how little in some ways, too.

Music has always been a huge need in my life, to express my emotions.

In my late 20’s, these were my favourite songs, that depicted, who I was then.

I was suppressing everything, but it was all there, in my heart and soul, causing me deep pain that I couldn’t release, because I had no-one to help me.

Emotionally, psychologically, I was on my own, trying to fit into a world I didn’t understand, who didn’t understand me, desperately trying to find fun and joy, in all the wrong places.

Makes me sad to see how I was then, and how I am still wrestling with some issues, like trust. I revert back to these deeply ingrained issues, when faced with too much pain, hurt and overwhelmed with emotions, I can’t handle.

‘stupid girl’ – I believed this was who I was, fully.

‘a million lies to sell yourself’ – lies I told myself that I wasn’t damaged, minimizing my past, suppressing and stuffing it, to be able to cope, thinking I was like those around me. I never was, of course.

‘don’t believe in fear, pain, love, hate’

Then, I was blocking out all pain and fear, I had learned I needed to.

I definitely didn’t believe in love, I had never been shown any.

But, I also didn’t believe in hate. I’ve never held hate in my heart.

‘Never trust anyone’ – My biggest motto and need.

‘The trick is to keep breathing’ – my struggle to stay alive, when many times, I just wanted to die.

‘Can’t bear to face the truth’ – suppressing all the trauma/hurt/abandonment and that my family didn’t love me.

‘She knows the human heart’ – I had seen way too much evil in human hearts, by my late 20’s.

‘Nobody gives a damn about me’ – that was my life.

‘Somehow, you lay the blame on me’ – that was my life too.

And here I am, on medication to handle to severity of my life, to cope enough to be of some use in this world.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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