Music that shows how far I have come, but how little in some ways, too.

October 27, 2013 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Music has always been a huge need in my life, to express my emotions.

In my late 20’s, these were my favourite songs, that depicted, who I was then.

I was suppressing everything, but it was all there, in my heart and soul, causing me deep pain that I couldn’t release, because I had no-one to help me.

Emotionally, psychologically, I was on my own, trying to fit into a world I didn’t understand, who didn’t understand me, desperately trying to find fun and joy, in all the wrong places.

Makes me sad to see how I was then, and how I am still wrestling with some issues, like trust. I revert back to these deeply ingrained issues, when faced with too much pain, hurt and overwhelmed with emotions, I can’t handle.

‘stupid girl’ – I believed this was who I was, fully.

‘a million lies to sell yourself’ – lies I told myself that I wasn’t damaged, minimizing my past, suppressing and stuffing it, to be able to cope, thinking I was like those around me. I never was, of course.

‘don’t believe in fear, pain, love, hate’

Then, I was blocking out all pain and fear, I had learned I needed to.

I definitely didn’t believe in love, I had never been shown any.

But, I also didn’t believe in hate. I’ve never held hate in my heart.

‘Never trust anyone’ – My biggest motto and need.

‘The trick is to keep breathing’ – my struggle to stay alive, when many times, I just wanted to die.

‘Can’t bear to face the truth’ – suppressing all the trauma/hurt/abandonment and that my family didn’t love me.

‘She knows the human heart’ – I had seen way too much evil in human hearts, by my late 20’s.

‘Nobody gives a damn about me’ – that was my life.

‘Somehow, you lay the blame on me’ – that was my life too.

And here I am, on medication to handle to severity of my life, to cope enough to be of some use in this world.