Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I hate narcissism, because it is not of God. It is Satan’s delight and he uses it well.

It is clear that as Christians, we can hate the sin, but not the sinner.

I believe the Bible talks very clearly about narcissism.

I believe narcissism is the opposite of God and the god of narcissism is Satan.

Satan is the king of narcissism. Believing he is God, or better than God.

If I didn’t hate so much what Satan and his evil minions do, I could almost feel sorry for them, but I don’t, because he is evil and causes all the suffering in this world.

Well, him and human sin, cause all the suffering in this world.

I don’t think Christianity cares enough at all – about narcissism and it’s rise and why.

I don’t see any Christians talking about it. It states clearly that things will worsen in the world, before Jesus returns, and I believe a large part of that will be narcissism.

Obviously, there are some Christians talking about this, but I don’t see any in the Christian circles I have travelled so far.

In fact, Christians seem to be more sensitive to the concept of narcissism, not wanting this raised, actively repelling this and yet it is so important to be aware of and talked about. Continue reading


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It is a natural need, to want remorse and apology from abusers.

I believe fully, that healing can take place, without anything from abusers.

But, I need to acknowledge that it is a natural human need to want someone who has hurt us, especially if we love them, to be remorseful and to say they are sorry and mean it and make it up to us.

This is human need and deny that – is not helpful.

Suppressing the understanding of this human need, is not healthy.

I believe in being deeply honest with myself about what is natural human need and what my human needs want, even if I will never receive it.

It is a natural human need to want to hear those words ‘I am so deeply sorry, I hurt you, what I did was truly terrible, it was abuse, it hurt you deeply and I am deeply sorry and I will do what it takes to make this up to you, to show you the love and respect you do deserve’. Continue reading


Write and discuss things from your past….

At a recent retreat I did at Church, which was needed and good, part of what we were completing was talking about past things.

Something I find – difficult at best and painfully triggering and emotionally devastating, at worst.

I couldn’t complete some of it. As the ‘freak’ that I am.

Boxes of things about what we have endured, what we have done we need forgiveness for and negative things we have been called or told about ourselves.

I had to leave two pages completely blank – like some special needs person.

I struggled badly, to contain my pain about this.

I hate being different, in some ways. It triggers that pain of being different, I have felt all my life.

One page was about things we have been involved in that are sinful, that we need forgiveness for. Looking at this page of little boxes, I knew it was too painful to tick nearly all of them, my deep remorse and shame, of the life and choices I made myself, still there. Things I haven’t spoken of in counselling, some I have never spoken of. Continue reading


Thought I was over the emotions, of being different. I’m not.

A post to my page, many others relate to.

I feel very down today and I haven’t felt this way for a while.

I have come to realise, that I have to give up on wanting to find people, like me.

I have always been different, always had people point out my differences and labelled me in nice and nasty ways that prove it is not ‘in my imagination’….I really am different.

I know why, I accept why, but it feels very lonely.

People don’t and won’t understand me and I have to accept that. I thought I had, but now I wonder.

Or, maybe it is just grieving still.

Because I refuse to hide who I am, I alienate myself from people. Continue reading


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Waves of grieving, this fallen world, that celebrates narcissism.

In a world that is told, to live for yourself, where abuse and abusers are condoned and enabled, where narcissism is encouraged and considered something good – Steve Jobs an example and victims of abuse are told to ‘get over it’, I truly feel deep despair and grieving some days.

Today, is one of those days.

I have deep empathy for people suffering and I want it to stop.

I want to raise awareness of abuse, narcissism and it is a battle I know, is futile.

People just don’t care.

Their sinful, hard hearts, just completely unable to feel empathy.

‘It doesn’t affect me, so why should I care’.

Real empathy, is rare and many people who believe they have empathy don’t, they have sympathy, and some don’t even have that.

Mostly because they have not suffered at the hands of a narcissits, so I know their understanding is limited, so this is why my goal is futile.

I see so clearly that the god of narcissism, is Satan. Continue reading


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A Poem – The Glass Divide

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A poem I wrote – about aloneness and being different.

The Glass Divide

Alone
All she knows
Different
To all around
She fails
To be
Like others
Despite
Trying so hard

Her childhood
No love
No safety
No bond
Daydreaming
Numbness
Her constant
Companion
She is alone

As harm
Increases
She learns
Of deeper
Loneliness
Of terminal
Aloneness
Survival
Only need

Living
Alone
Watching others
Her life separated
By glass
Invisible
But there
Constant
Divide Continue reading


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Abusers, liars, narcissists, will all want their victims to keep quiet ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Of course they do – they don’t want the truth about them exposed.

This will apply to all forms of abusers – mental, sexual, physical, psychological, verbal, spiritual and whether to adults, or children.

They know what they are doing is wrong.

If they hide their behaviour, or try to silence you, they DO know what they are doing is wrong. And the abuse is intentional and conscious acts and choices, to subject someone to harm.

The abuse was still a choice, they decided to make.

They will manipulate this ‘silence’ in a variety of ways….

Threats to the victim.

Shaming the victim.

Lies about the victim. Including lying by omission, lying by failing to tell the truth to others who wrongly believe/assume something about the victim.

Gaslighting – making the victim not believe their own truth, confusing them.

Blaming the victim.

Emotional abuse – eg saying the family will suffer.

A smear campaign about the victim, making more people (apaths), not believe the victim, reinforcing wrong beliefs about the victim.

Continue reading


God is PURE goodness and love. No evil exists in God.

I am re-blogging this, as it is probably the most important blog I have written.

And as today was my Baptism (which was incredible) – I feel a need to blog this again.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Many people interpret the Bible wrongly.

They believe hell exists, where God will send those who don’t stand up to His expectations, and He will revenge them, and punish them, with eternal torment in hell.

Is that love?

It doesn’t sound like love to me.

I don’t believe people go to hell – as in a burning place of torment – I believe people have eternal death, and eternal separation, as is their choice, to not believe in God, or be converted Christians, or do what is needed, for eternal life, here on earth, with God, when Jesus returns, and God re-creates His Kingdom of God.

Many people believe God sent Jesus, ‘just’ to die for our sins’, because all we deserve is hell.

So wrong.

God did not send a perfect sinless man, His only Son, to die ‘just’ for our sins.

People who believe that believe in ‘Mesus’…

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My Testimony to God for my Baptism tomorrow.

After struggling this week, with fear, what felt like spiritual attack, several conversations about how God understands we need help, support and love from our Body of Christ – I am being baptised tomorrow!

My testimony, includes all that I know has been Him, protecting me, loving me, having mercy on me, understanding me, how He has been leading me, how He used evil – for good, how He needed me for situations, how He is healing me, how much He truly has shown His grace all through my life.

My soul yearns, to be the disciple He needs me to be.

This is my testimony, to God.

I wasn’t brought up in a Christian home. My childhood was the opposite of love.

I had a terrible childhood, where there was no love and much harm occurred, from many people.

At junior school, I loved saying the Lord’s Prayer every morning at assembly and I know my head teacher was a Christian man. Continue reading


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I am meant to be at Church now, to find out about my baptism on Sunday…

I couldn’t go.

I can’t do it.

My anxiety has gone up so much today, that I am struggling to cope, to function, to stay calm around my boys, as my husband is in work.

My PTSD, has been increasing, since I found out my baptism was to be soon.

There are other people also having baptisms, confirmations, and re-affirmations and I can’t go and cry and struggle and leave and it affect all of them.

Sunday, isn’t just about me. Continue reading