Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Abusers, liars, narcissists, will all want their victims to keep quiet ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

35 Comments

Of course they do – they don’t want the truth about them exposed.

This will apply to all forms of abusers – mental, sexual, physical, psychological, verbal, spiritual and whether to adults, or children.

They know what they are doing is wrong.

If they hide their behaviour, or try to silence you, they DO know what they are doing is wrong. And the abuse is intentional and conscious acts and choices, to subject someone to harm.

The abuse was still a choice, they decided to make.

They will manipulate this ‘silence’ in a variety of ways….

Threats to the victim.

Shaming the victim.

Lies about the victim. Including lying by omission, lying by failing to tell the truth to others who wrongly believe/assume something about the victim.

Gaslighting – making the victim not believe their own truth, confusing them.

Blaming the victim.

Emotional abuse – eg saying the family will suffer.

A smear campaign about the victim, making more people (apaths), not believe the victim, reinforcing wrong beliefs about the victim.

Scapegoating, the victim.

Saying the victim is crazy

Deliberately targeting a victim, who others are unlikely to believe.

Alienation, from family, group, church etc.

Making the victim feel sorry for the abuser.

Minimizing, the abuse they made the victim endure.

There are more. This is not an exhaustive list.

None of these mean – that the abuser is right.

None of these mean – the victim needs to stay quiet.

None of these mean – the victim is to blame, or guilty.

None of these mean – the victim needs to do what the abuser wants.

None of these mean – the victim, has to feel sorry for the abuser.

It is all a manipulation, for the benefit of the abuser.

Because the ‘abuser’ is the weak, shameful, guilty, wrong, abusive person, who lacks the courage, or capacity, to own who they really are.

It takes time, to work this out and process it.

But, it is needed, as part of healing.

Much Love

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

35 thoughts on “Abusers, liars, narcissists, will all want their victims to keep quiet ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. ((((((((Hugs))))))))) to you sister!

  2. Pingback: The healing of getting it all out | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  3. Is there any such thing as a “box” for victims of sociopath/psychopathic narcissists to find help, support, resources and escape at all ages and states ? I am not finding this category to fit anything and I can not afford a private counselor, nor really want one.
    When mental health, domestic violence,churches, community, the medical communities will not deal with the truth of this character and their abuse to others nor help victims suffering, its time to create a new “box”. People need to have a forum also to talk………skype or conference calls or talkshoe…and communication as well as their own state and county resources for help or escape. Younger people can find this easier to get away but the other we are the harder this is to find a way and place and the money and resources to leave this form of abuse. I am in Oregon.

    • II want to make a correction word on my post today:[ to”other”..it was meant to be “older”] and on this excellent and very helpful post on keeping victims quiet. That is one of the single most focus of my own narcissistic abuser-[husband]..his need to protect his delusions and his “image”. Whether it is to his own doctors office, nurses, an old co worker, his family [ since I am his wife but apparently, not his “family”,bu example doing nothing at all on the house or in the house,[But ] for the sake of his “image” he will mow the front lawn for the neighbors to see how “wonderful he is and how he “participates”. This is not just a male oriented thing this is somehow what he has seen in his past, his dad, other men as “being the man in the house”. What these “so important people he wishes to impress do not see”, are things like his cutting down my fully bloomed sage bush I was about to harvest to make my sage sticks but now all you see is about a 2 inch stud to the ground. He killed it, he killed my Lavender bush. Anything I dare say, How much I love it, he kills it, he destroys it. Or he makes sure he breaks things. As far as communication with others, he monitors my calls, he makes sneaky calls to people he knows telling them lies,so no one wants to come to the house and no one will believe me after he speaks to them. He has destroyed any job or even volunteer work for me, showing up with his “strange behavior”. When I am just getting the hang of how and when he does something to cut me off, or shut me down, he changes his way of doing it so am off guard and stunned and confused all over again. .

      • Sounds like you are dealing with a sociopath. They can be very dangerous, as the experts will tell you. I just got out of a marriage from one and did my research. There is probably something else going on behind the scene that you are not aware of. In my case it took a PI to get to the bottom of it. I would recommend that you get one also and watch your back.

      • I agree with Linda. A narc wants worship and what you do reflects well on them. A sociopath wants to destroy you and look good to the world.

      • Elizabeth, this is just so like my husband – they could be brothers. I am in the middle of a break up (about to take the plunge) and although I am scared (of the physical violence which will undoubtedly come) reading your message has made me much stronger. He hates bouganvillias (and they have all been cut down) – I so relate to you. Take care. Dix

      • Your situation sounds exactly like mine. Right down to the mowing the lawn. I’m still in shock because I cut off all family ties 2 years ago after my mom died after realizing that ALL the men in my family are narcissists, never realizing my own husband is a covert narcissist. I’m in therapy and also my son is going through hell from his narcissistic wife abusing him. It has all come tumbling down at once and I don’t know how I am surviving, other than God carrying me.

  4. Great posting. Have really been thinking alot about silence and abuse.

  5. Oh yes, they do all of these things! I wish I had known about all of this when I was younger. Educating the next generation of women has become somewhat of a mission for me…and it looks like I’m not alone! ((((Hugs))))💜

  6. So true.. So fantastic.

  7. I shouldn’t say ‘fantastic’, that’s the wrong word. It is, however, good to know I am not alone in this fight. Love and hugs to you all..

  8. I just want to say, the Narcissist that I am dealing with is a woman. So men beware too. My son was with this girl and she did all the classic things to him and also was physically abusive by stabbing him and giving him black eyes, pushing him down stairs and making him feel like you describe above. He would never hit a woman, he left a couple of times but felt he needed to go back because of his son.

  9. Reblogged this on Happily Ever After OR The Search For and commented:
    I was asked to please not expose my/our abuser to a family member. I have still kept the secret to this day. However, the day will come. The opportunity has yet to present its self. All in good time. In the meantime I tell whoever will listen when it’s appropriate.

  10. I think I might suffer a bit of ptsd from a long relationship with a drunk/addict, is it possible that his mental abuse could cause this? He never physically hurt me, but was very verbally abusive, and I guess somewhat sexually abusive towards the end because he’d get pissed at me if I wanted to stop. I despised him at that point, and only had sex with him to try to keep the peace even though I would’ve rather been punched. I’m with a wonderful man now, and I’m thankful for him every minute of the day. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since a child, I’m 37 now. I still get very depressed and moody even though I have a good life now…

  11. I wonder if you or anyone can give me some advice…my dad would say something or do something kind to open me up and then say or do something abusive…until I just cant trust any thing good….even God….how do you get beyond that automatic shut off …trust and take in the good?

  12. Reblogged this on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel and commented:
    This brought back many memories of abusive situations in my life. Thanks for sharing.

  13. So thankful when anything I write here, helps anyone. I know how it feels to be silenced, and I have compassion for anyone enduring this.
    ❤ ❤

  14. Pingback: Lying By Omission | oncearoundthetrack

  15. Pingback: Narcissists, Abusers, and Liars All Want Their Victims to Keep Quiet – Cluster B Survivor

  16. The more I spoke out, the worse things became. It was the darkest and most frightening thing I had ever been through… soon I felt like I had awoken from a drug induced coma. Things started to make sense. The more I learned about narcissism and all the forms of abuse he was employing, the easier it became for me to validate my storm of emotions. With validation, I found empowerment to continue. I was able to anticipate his reactions and go into any battle with him fully armed. I had to stay two steps ahead and be fully aware of everything going on around me… He made threats, I took action (separation,custody and child support and finally divorce ). I learned very quickly who his “informants” and “adversaries” were and distanced myself from them. He managed to evade a protection order because the judge decided my problems were “just a bad divorce”. He destroyed my relationship with my church by convincing my friends and church leaders I was lying. He slid past child protective services and the military family advocate under the guise of having “anger issues”. I informed my church where they could shove their “counseling” and very quickly educated the social workers of the difference between abuse and “anger issues” and told them that when they learned the difference, then they could MAKE a difference. Some people understood and stood by me. Others chose to believe his lies… either way, I walked away with my head held high. I was finally free. I could write pages and pages about the ways I suffered, the ugly things he said and did. But ultimately, I am the strong woman I have always been, just smarter now. When you find your voice, you find the abusers weak point. Use it. There is freedom in the truth. No longer silent.

  17. Lived it a lifetime – and still – be careful- we repeat what we know by being targets for more Narcissist’s – and they will devour your life to protect their false images – and steal life with kids you birth

    See a ref flag- do NOT justify!
    Trust your gut
    A spade is a spade –
    If it is your Mom – learn she WILL not own it nor change – you will wear yourself out trying to wake her up- she has limited capacity to recognize, own, understand

    If it is a man- any you are in a relationship with – pack your bags and get “away” as fast as you can!

    You “cannot” reason nor rationalize with Narcissist’s – and they use ALL your caring for everyone and your relationship with them as “another” means to manipulate, control, hurt you

    Run!
    Always keep in good places with good people – I have been homeless to do so and alone – and THAT kept ME free and ok
    Do not fear withouts or what if’s
    Someone along the way – if you are a good person- will always fall in your path to help you keep going
    Just GO – away from Narcissism- or you will keep being victimized by it and them

    And blamed, made to be crazy – framed – trust me-

    No healthy, non-narcistic person deserves to live life trapped in needs of a Narcissist

    We all have a need to be ok and free from other’s hooey “living” life well while we have a life to live.

    Just sayin’
    Draw the line – don’t let their needs and illness become definition of your life.

  18. Lived it a lifetime – and still – be careful- we repeat what we know by being targets for more Narcissist’s – and they will devour your life to protect their false images – and steal life with kids you birth

    See a ref flag- do NOT justify!
    Trust your gut
    A spade is a spade –
    If it is your Mom – learn she WILL not own it nor change – you will wear yourself out trying to wake her up- she has limited capacity to recognize, own, understand

    If it is a man- any you are in a relationship with – pack your bags and get “away” as fast as you can!

    You “cannot” reason nor rationalize with Narcissist’s – and they use ALL your caring for everyone and your relationship with them as “another” means to manipulate, control, hurt you

    Run!
    Always keep in good places with good people – I have been homeless to do so and alone – and THAT kept ME free and ok
    Do not fear withouts or what if’s
    Someone along the way – if you are a good person- will always fall in your path to help you keep going
    Just GO – away from Narcissism- or you will keep being victimized by it and them

    And blamed, made to be crazy – framed – trust me-

    No healthy, non-narcistic person deserves to live life trapped in needs of a Narcissist

    We all have a need to be ok and free from other’s hooey “living” life well while we have a life to live.

    Just sayin’
    Draw the line – don’t let their needs and illness become definition of your life.

    DON’T believe Police or Government employees will help you or protect you or stop them either – My NINE year ride of experience….
    LOTS of Narcissist’s end up in and USE their gov’t jobs to help other Narcissist’s and boost their own ego’s and to fill their screwy needs!

    They’ll be as underhanded and unjust and dishonest and victimizing as the creeps and criminals behind framing you so others help beat you up as they keep their hands clean and play innocent.

    Many people have now lived THIS reality in America I am learning

    Justice is not JUST

    The systems do NOT help, nor protect, nor enforce laws for victims the majority of the time – it FEEDS Narcissist’s and MORE Narcissism.

  19. I told the truth @ my emotionally abusive/verbally abusive mother in childhood (after years in therapy) wondering what was wrong w/me….to my sis & bros. They now blame me for ‘hurting my mother’ by saying ‘I didn’t feel loved as a child”…So, I am paying a big price for ‘owning’ my past….and opening up @ it~…..Mom won’t talk to me…I bet she is afraid of what questions I would have! Like: Why did you use me as a ‘scapegoat’ for the families’ problems??? Etc. there is much more…….

  20. Pingback: Two Articles Written by Lilly Hope Lucario ~ published on ClusterSurvivor.Com | Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

  21. Heal. It’ll take a while. It took me years. Molested regularly as 6yr old, Raped, Abused but MACY’S & others mastered your words.especially “GAS LIGHTING”. I mentioned it in 14-CIV-3192 evidence then the decision. I was made out to be a LIAR & laughed at but WHEN ALL WAS SAID & DONE MACY’S did the unthinkable, the Federal Contractor & others USED FORGED DOCS STARTING WITH ITS 4-24-13! Report I SUFFERED FOR NOTHING.😇😡😢💕

    Heal but remember they’re the idiots & you’re a VICTOR nobody’s damn victim never ever give up. Forgive so iy won’t eat at you & continue healing. GOD’S GOT THIS😇💕🌈

  22. That was my mother, with her narcissistic fan club (the rest of my family)…all the way.

  23. I have a abusesive 31 year old son it started when he had his 1st girlfriend @ 18 he had a job and a son . But things werernt going smooth every time they had problems he was abusive to her smashed her windscreen twice and lied to us it was her fault. After they split he had relationships with other women whom he had abused. List goes on which resulted into going into prison 3mths community service. When he came out of that he attracted gang related people getting him to doing jobs stealing etc. He had burnt bridges with both sides of family trying to help him. Now there is trespass notice placed on him he has been assessed by health department. He passed he has nowhere to go.
    Dorothy McMaster

  24. Pingback: Abusers, liars, narcissists, will all want their victims to keep quiet ~ Lilly Hope Lucario | justiceforkevinandjenveybaylis

  25. Reblogged this on the dream running ahead of me and commented:
    Silencing is the hardest thing to overcome.

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