The more I learn, the more I am withdrawing and developing more symptoms.

I’m quite sure this is supposed to be the other way around.

My avoidance stuff continues and now added to that I am having somatic symptoms of anxiety in rash’s, on Tuesday, yesterday and today. I am increasingly having dizzy spells and functioning less and less. This has been increasing for the last few months.

I am completely overwhelmed with too much life experience of humanity, too much understanding of how manipulative, covert and increasingly evil is working within this world, I pick on traits and issues within people too well, and I know psychology aspects of all this too. And too much personal experience, of how much harm this all causes.

It has been identified that I don’t have the filter to address a balance of seeing all this bad, and I don’t see enough good in society. But, I am sick of feeling a failure about this and after all I have been through – which I do acknowledge fully now, I think I have good reason for this.

And I know I am being a really crap Christian, not focussing on the good, and the good news, but I don’t have that level of joy in this hope enough to just ignore what’s happening now. I don’t have enough confidence – or trust in Christianity, or in people. Not that I don’t have complete trust in God, I do, but most of Christianity doesn’t reflect God, in my view. Christianity fails badly. And that grieves me deeply. I have faith in God, but not in Christianity and that is clearly a big problem.

Different, doesn’t always mean bad…but it often means lonely.

People don’t like ‘different’, people who don’t conform, who don’t go along with the unspoken rules they choose to follow.

I have had a life, that shows me not to follow what doesn’t feel right, that has made me different.

I see so much more, since becoming a Christian, I see how evil is so covertly working throughout society, and within Christianity.

I see issues like materialism, consumerism, narcissism, and many more and I won’t accept they are okay. Because they are not.

I want to support the weak and vulnerable, the hurt and needy, and that doesn’t go down well with those who choose to ignore these people, and focus on self.

I won’t conform to religion within Christianity – their denominations, rules led driven ways that I don’t see are necessary, needed or what Jesus wanted us to be.

I often think about…

“for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.”

It’s official, I am clearly a freak….

I give up.

Unless, I conform to a world of shallow, self interested, people pleasing, society driven, Christian rules led conformism…..I will never fit in.

I’m weird, I’m different, I’m outspoken, I see society is unhealthy, I see too much about Christianity that pisses me off.

So, I give up.

That sinking feeling and avoidance setting in.

I know and see more than I know how to deal with, so avoidance, is my coping habit.

I have PTSD, and I am aware of the symptom of avoidance.

I avoid what I can’t handle emotionally.

I feel like I see and know far too much about life, and I cannot cope with all I know, so I just want to avoid. Or run away, which is also my most used trauma reaction of flight.

I find humanity fascinating, I have been studying it all my life. I know I have insight into humanity, psychology and sadly, mostly the darker sides of it.

I feel like God has entrusted me with so much knowledge and as yet, I don’t really know how to cope with it all.

I don’t see life, or humanity, or Christianity through rose coloured glasses.

I do distract myself, I do focus on my family, I do things that bring me joy, I do focus on what my husband and children need, focus on the few people in my life that I do trust. I am trying to have a social life.

But, it isn’t enough to keep me from continually thinking about all the things I know and see. Things that don’t just affect me – but affect others – as that is always what bothers me most.

So, overwhelmed by all this, I just sink into avoidance.

Judgmental Christian attitudes – make me want to avoid Christians and Church. Obviously, I realise this is mostly due to all the abuse I endured from the former church/cult. But, I am not stupid to believe their crap, was limited to just that group of people. There are narcs, selfish people with selfish agenda’s, unhealthy people everywhere.

People revealing sides of their character, makes me have to ‘be on alert’, as red flags emerge, make me sink into a feeling of ‘here we go again’. Narc traits, controlling traits, unwise traits, judgmental traits. All, of course, making me know these people can potentially hurt me. So my defences go up.

I became sicker because I repressed reality, and so does society.

I became more unhealthy and sicker when I suppressed reality, and so does society……

A life lesson I learned from personally and see how it applies to the world too…

I had a horrible childhood, full of continuing severe abuse, up until the age of 20.

After that, I wanted to ignore, avoid, suppress and be in denial of what had happened, the bad stuff.

It was easier to focus on the good, to seek to have fun and to pretend life was great. I did have fun, in many wrong ways, although I always knew deep down that there was far more to life than having fun.

It felt okay to do this….but all the while the bad was not being dealt with, it was festering and worsening, so I just tried harder and harder to ignore it.

It was too hard, too scary, too confronting, too horrible to deal with. So I didn’t.

Until, I was forced to, when I had my breakdown last year.

I had no choice but to deal with it.

So, I started to, went to counselling and realised the harm that had been caused by suppressing, oppressing and repressing all the hurt and harm for so long had made things worse.

I had to find the courage and strength to deal with my past – all the good the bad and the ugly – of things done to me, and also my own wrongs I did in life too.

And now I am healing.

This is how I view society – mostly blind to the wrongs, the increasing narcissism, many so easily seduced into seeing the good only and not the bad. Of either life, or their own selves.

It is easy to suppress, avoid, deny the truth about life.

What are Christians thinking, by allowing this?

It is very easy for me to be very disillusioned by Christianity – because I am not prepared to think it is all great and view it through rose coloured glasses.

I see the good, the bad and the ugly – and the ugly is really fucking ugly.

Just read that the so called new and improved Pope – has made it criminal, for people to leak formal information about child abuse.

Leaks are often the only way child abuse is exposed and therefore ever dealt with. Because we all know how much the Catholic Church want to cover up, suppress, deny and enable child abuse.

Makes my blood boil.

And this kind of crap, is not just within the Catholic Church – so I am not Anti-Catholic – I am anti-child abusers and anti-child abuse enablers.

In fact, what I am is anti-evil.

Enrolling to study counselling, hopefully soon.

Two things have prompted my recent decision for this; my husband having the ability to work ‘specials’, to earn more money, and my research to find high quality course you can pay monthly.

Found one via AIPC, and it has a 24 month payment plan, which would make it possible to pay for it.

I would prefer to study psychology, but the cost and not being able to enrol into full time campus based study, prevents that.

But, I’m aware a counselling course provides the basics to being able to work within the field of counselling people who need it and I see it is a field much required and in demand and will continue to increase in demand.

I know I can specialise and do added study for trauma and abuse, which is my field of interest and where I already have so much experience, knowledge and insight into.