Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

That sinking feeling and avoidance setting in.

5 Comments

I know and see more than I know how to deal with, so avoidance, is my coping habit.

I have PTSD, and I am aware of the symptom of avoidance.

I avoid what I can’t handle emotionally.

I feel like I see and know far too much about life, and I cannot cope with all I know, so I just want to avoid. Or run away, which is also my most used trauma reaction of flight.

I find humanity fascinating, I have been studying it all my life. I know I have insight into humanity, psychology and sadly, mostly the darker sides of it.

I feel like God has entrusted me with so much knowledge and as yet, I don’t really know how to cope with it all.

I don’t see life, or humanity, or Christianity through rose coloured glasses.

I do distract myself, I do focus on my family, I do things that bring me joy, I do focus on what my husband and children need, focus on the few people in my life that I do trust. I am trying to have a social life.

But, it isn’t enough to keep me from continually thinking about all the things I know and see. Things that don’t just affect me – but affect others – as that is always what bothers me most.

So, overwhelmed by all this, I just sink into avoidance.

Judgmental Christian attitudes – make me want to avoid Christians and Church. Obviously, I realise this is mostly due to all the abuse I endured from the former church/cult. But, I am not stupid to believe their crap, was limited to just that group of people. There are narcs, selfish people with selfish agenda’s, unhealthy people everywhere.

People revealing sides of their character, makes me have to ‘be on alert’, as red flags emerge, make me sink into a feeling of ‘here we go again’. Narc traits, controlling traits, unwise traits, judgmental traits. All, of course, making me know these people can potentially hurt me. So my defences go up.

And yes, this is not everyone, and yes, everyone has different personalities, and yes, no-one is perfect and yes, no group of people are perfect, and yes, I need to be tolerant and yes, this doesn’t ‘definitely’ mean I will get hurt….(except that I see some hurt people are already causing and are in denial of, and that bothers me and I cannot ignore that)…..

So, I can hear all those arguments in my head, that wise people will tell me. But, the fact remains, I have been hurt so much in life, I just cannot ‘tolerate’ the possibility of anymore – and once those human behaviours become revealed, I am immediately on alert.

I can’t remove my narc detector, or my discernment, or my need to protect myself, anymore than I can stop making my kidneys functioning – I am who I am and I do what I do involuntarily – like my kidneys working, or like breathing.

I’m so sick of having to be on alert.

I understand humanity too much.

So, I just want to hide and I know I shouldn’t. I know this is unhealthy.

I know as a child of God, I am meant to deal with this, not focus on the possible danger and just do whatever I can to do God’s work.

But, I am at that sinking point again and I’m trying to fight it, but it’s already there and I cannot shake it off…

That need to avoid.

That need to flight.

That need to protect myself.

That need to stay away from unhealthy people.

So, I cannot get hurt anymore.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “That sinking feeling and avoidance setting in.

  1. Hello, I am too a survivor. I am 36 and trying to avoid any close relationships I can. This gives me hope that maybe I can survive this and come to terms and let go of the pain I have each and every day. I have a wonderful support group but refuse to be on medication for this, so I just endure. Anxiety is a funny thing isn’t it? Making and forcing us to be aware of what we would so like to run from and repress. Keep writing, it helps 🙂

    Hugs,

    Jennifer

  2. I can relate to avoidance as a main coping style. I too use flight (literally) when I am overwhelmed. I don’t know that it necessarily has to do with understanding humanity too well, or understanding a certain part of human behavior too well.

  3. Yeah I have run my whole life. Anytime a relationship gets to real I go. I move every year, switch jobs every 2. I used drugs and love addiction to fuel my avoidance behavior. Anytime any stress comes around I bail, I cant deal with the panic that sets in. But I am now forcing myself to deal with the demons and stay in a home with someone who loves me very much. They know all my issues and just tell me over and over that they are here, and I am free to go if I wish, I think that is what keeps me here, I don’t have to stay. I do notice now that I have a support group after 22 years of my life and people that really truly love me, that it definitely keeps me grounded and in one spot. The abandonment rears up, but I breathe through it and take one day at time, one moment some days if need be. I cannot spend my life running from something that doesn’t really exist, (even though it feels that way most days) I refuse to let it rule over me any longer. I read the columns and know that others are going through this too, but I also know that even though I am terrified, I am not that child anymore, and the people that love me are here and permanent as long as I allow it. And when it comes down to it, I have lived half my life in this chaos, running, afraid, and I luckily am in a place where I don’t have to run anymore even thought I want to, but really I am just tired now.

  4. Yes flight and avoidance are my main reactions too.

    Today I have been criticised on my personal FB, as being judgmental and deluded because I am quite outspoken about what I believe in.

    So, now I will be avoiding even more. Sometimes, I am all too deeply aware of how weird I am to some people. I don’t fit the mould and it’s taken as being something bad, which I just have to accept.

    Avoidance, is something I have worked hard on, but it’s still very much an issue for me.

  5. Yep, I have NEVER fit in, from the moment I started school until I finally dropped out due to the bullying. I think the other kids picked up on the fact that I was more sensitive. Bullying was a daily thing for me as well as fighting with my step dad (my mom never intervened or helped me with any of it even when I was raped at 13). My father disappeared as well as my siblings too, so I had most of my life not having ANYONE to help me or talk to, I had no friends. I never had sit down dinners or holidays (we were Jehovah’s witness which didn’t help any either in school settings). I haven’t seen or spoken with my grandmother since I was 5 and she is still alive, what is family? I don’t know. With all that being said, yes it was horrible, yes I am still scarred and terrified and even though I have very devoted friends and a guy who soothes me anytime I am fleeing, I still cannot feel much of anything except that Lizard brain in high overdrive waiting to be attacked. The loneliness, rejection, pain that I experienced as a kid, I stuffed as far as I could until my divorce a few years ago and it all came spewing out including my GAD and PTSD, in one moment I was changed forever. I see my talents, I have written books, I am college educated, I drove semi trucks across the USA, I have done it all, but yet part of me feels like I have no value. I still feel unlovable, unworthy of anyone’s love, and that makes me want to avoid human contact all together, but I am told on a daily basis that I am all those things and more, and those people that love me so much are ALWAYS there day or night if I am panicking, keeping me grounded. This gives me hope and faith that maybe one day I wont feel like so afraid. I guess I just want people to know they aren’t alone. The depression, anxiety, pure fear, feeling like you don’t fit in somewhere, feeling like you are lost in a black void inside, with a fake smile on the out on a daily basis is not something that isn’t shared. I remind myself at my worst that really it is just an emotion, not an emergency, and I attend love addiction meetings too, those ladies keep me grounded as well, and the pain and avoidance are VERY real for all of them.

    If anyone wants to contact me my email is chappy7677@yahoo.com. Hugs to you all