I know and see more than I know how to deal with, so avoidance, is my coping habit.
I have PTSD, and I am aware of the symptom of avoidance.
I avoid what I can’t handle emotionally.
I feel like I see and know far too much about life, and I cannot cope with all I know, so I just want to avoid. Or run away, which is also my most used trauma reaction of flight.
I find humanity fascinating, I have been studying it all my life. I know I have insight into humanity, psychology and sadly, mostly the darker sides of it.
I feel like God has entrusted me with so much knowledge and as yet, I don’t really know how to cope with it all.
I don’t see life, or humanity, or Christianity through rose coloured glasses.
I do distract myself, I do focus on my family, I do things that bring me joy, I do focus on what my husband and children need, focus on the few people in my life that I do trust. I am trying to have a social life.
But, it isn’t enough to keep me from continually thinking about all the things I know and see. Things that don’t just affect me – but affect others – as that is always what bothers me most.
So, overwhelmed by all this, I just sink into avoidance.
Judgmental Christian attitudes – make me want to avoid Christians and Church. Obviously, I realise this is mostly due to all the abuse I endured from the former church/cult. But, I am not stupid to believe their crap, was limited to just that group of people. There are narcs, selfish people with selfish agenda’s, unhealthy people everywhere.
People revealing sides of their character, makes me have to ‘be on alert’, as red flags emerge, make me sink into a feeling of ‘here we go again’. Narc traits, controlling traits, unwise traits, judgmental traits. All, of course, making me know these people can potentially hurt me. So my defences go up.
And yes, this is not everyone, and yes, everyone has different personalities, and yes, no-one is perfect and yes, no group of people are perfect, and yes, I need to be tolerant and yes, this doesn’t ‘definitely’ mean I will get hurt….(except that I see some hurt people are already causing and are in denial of, and that bothers me and I cannot ignore that)…..
So, I can hear all those arguments in my head, that wise people will tell me. But, the fact remains, I have been hurt so much in life, I just cannot ‘tolerate’ the possibility of anymore – and once those human behaviours become revealed, I am immediately on alert.
I can’t remove my narc detector, or my discernment, or my need to protect myself, anymore than I can stop making my kidneys functioning – I am who I am and I do what I do involuntarily – like my kidneys working, or like breathing.
I’m so sick of having to be on alert.
I understand humanity too much.
So, I just want to hide and I know I shouldn’t. I know this is unhealthy.
I know as a child of God, I am meant to deal with this, not focus on the possible danger and just do whatever I can to do God’s work.
But, I am at that sinking point again and I’m trying to fight it, but it’s already there and I cannot shake it off…
That need to avoid.
That need to flight.
That need to protect myself.
That need to stay away from unhealthy people.
So, I cannot get hurt anymore.