I’m quite sure this is supposed to be the other way around.
My avoidance stuff continues and now added to that I am having somatic symptoms of anxiety in rash’s, on Tuesday, yesterday and today. I am increasingly having dizzy spells and functioning less and less. This has been increasing for the last few months.
I am completely overwhelmed with too much life experience of humanity, too much understanding of how manipulative, covert and increasingly evil is working within this world, I pick on traits and issues within people too well, and I know psychology aspects of all this too. And too much personal experience, of how much harm this all causes.
It has been identified that I don’t have the filter to address a balance of seeing all this bad, and I don’t see enough good in society. But, I am sick of feeling a failure about this and after all I have been through – which I do acknowledge fully now, I think I have good reason for this.
And I know I am being a really crap Christian, not focussing on the good, and the good news, but I don’t have that level of joy in this hope enough to just ignore what’s happening now. I don’t have enough confidence – or trust in Christianity, or in people. Not that I don’t have complete trust in God, I do, but most of Christianity doesn’t reflect God, in my view. Christianity fails badly. And that grieves me deeply. I have faith in God, but not in Christianity and that is clearly a big problem.
And I do tolerate a lot more than people may assume I do. I see into people’s traits and personalities all the time. Things I don’t agree with, don’t consider of value to me, but I accept them in others and I do know people are different and that’s okay.
But, I think that need to protect myself from harm – has become so intense now, that to try and live in this world, and be around people – after all that has happened in my life, is now subconsciously and consciously, too great.
I know that everything that happened last year, has caused way too much added damage and whilst I can rationalise about all that, and all their issues and actually feel genuinely sorry for them due to their being so deceived – the fact remains – I also was highly deceived by too many people, and got badly hurt.
So now, I prefer to be on my own. I don’t want to try to trust people – it gets me hurt. I can rationalise how I can learn to trust people better, rely on my discernment more. But, I also see more and more – that most people in life have issues and many have no clue as to what they are. Which means they are capable of hurting me and letting me down and betraying me, and I can’t risk it. I know, I just can’t.
So, as much as I can consider and reflect about everything, the fact is my anxiety is not getting better and as I force myself to go out and deal with society, I am now internalising this anxiety, and it is showing in other ways. Like a warning to tell me, you are still dealing with fear.
I have forced myself recently – to deal with my reactions to situations in life far better and do what I know I need to do, focus on studying etc, but the underlying anxiety, is still there.
And I know anxiety is fear based and I know I still have a deep rooted fear of getting hurt, that I don’t think will be gone any time soon.
If I didn’t have a husband and children, I think I would become a recluse and just shut myself off from a world, that I don’t really like, that has hurt me too much, betrayed me too much and has put this underlying fear into my soul – far too deeply.
I definitely know, I still very much have PTSD.
Avoidance and withdrawing being big symptoms.