I have no option but to admit that after all that went on within the last 2 years, with so much hurt and harm caused by those I cared about – I am now so deeply scared to be hurt again, that my fear of this – outweighs my need to have friendships with people.
It was easier when I was aware of people’s ‘issues’ which have always been red flags – but not aware of the reasons for these issues and what this could lead to. And what it really meant.
Now, I am in a situation where my walls of distrust are up, with pretty much everyone.
The more I learn about humanity, and that the crap I have endured from people I cared about, was not just in the past, it is in my now and will be in my future, the further I am from any from any ability to allow myself to get close to anyone.
In my adult life, I have always been sociable, fairly outgoing, very chatty and like to have fun. I’ve always liked joking around with people, and had a slightly mischievous side to me.
And that is dying. Week by week, it is fading away.
It’s been destroyed by too much harm. Continue reading