I am aware that my main issues of my complex PTSD symptoms are fear and fear of many things. I have lived fear since I can ever remember. It’s a big part of my life and none of it, I deserved. I was a child.
Fear of getting close to people, fear of being hurt, fear of trusting, fear of abandonment, fear of being betrayed, fear of ……….well everything really that involves people and the many ways they can hurt people.
My childhood and everyone in it, did a really good job of screwing me up.
I can intellectualise so much about why I think the way I do.
Even the latest crash, being about people I trust – having compassion for paedophiles and sex offenders, to the point where they consider their needs, and no doubt fall for their sob stories……as greater than protecting children. That hurts. Deeply.
I know this feels like a huge betrayal, that hits way to close to my childhood. My mother didn’t protect me, she didn’t care. Her own needs were greater. She knew what she was married to. My step father, was an abuser himself, so his loyalties were always with abusers. That’s why he talked to paedophiles that abused his own children. My sisters protect their parents and I know why.
But, these people, all hurt me so deeply and all betrayed me. All sided with abusive people, who badly hurt me and basically have destroyed me and I know a part of me will be sad for the rest of my life. How can it not.
I don’t think I will ever get over this. It’s why I can end up suicidal.
People supporting abusers, is too much emotionally for me to handle.
It’s why I have a fear of Christianity – because way too much is condoned, enabled and encouraged. I’ve already fallen prey of it and been damaged further by it. And I don’t just think of myself about this – I am not selfish person – I think of every church that is welcoming sex offenders, and how many are badly managed and how as a result, children will end up abused.
And every child that is abused by allowing known sex offenders into the church, I know this could have been avoided. Every child abused, is one too many. But society and Christianity want to continue this belief that this does not matter – the rights of the sex offenders, outweigh the knowledge that children will be abused.
Children need protecting. It’s not okay to just think – well if they get abused, we’ll deal with that situation then. Then we’ll go to the police – although many church’s won’t even do that – which is disgusting. And, after the child is abused – it’s too late then. The damage is done. They can have life long mental health problems. They could kill themselves (they do), because the pain of what happened to them is unbearable.
I don’t care how much good Christianity does. It doesn’t ‘make up’ for the abuse they enable.
And I guess that’s the problem for me. Nothing will ever ‘make up’ for all that happened to me. So I know how these abused children feels. Betrayed, let down, unprotected, of lessor value, insignificant, a pain to deal with. Told they are dwelling in the past, told they are not forgiving enough and so many other things that just re-traumatise over and over.
Someone mentioned to me earlier, that my upset over my doctor is some kind of ‘transference’. I don’t think this is the case. I know she’s not my mother. I know she has a job to do and that’s it. But, our last session, did make me feel like I was talking to my mother, so maybe there is some level of truth to the transference issue.
I believe it’s more about hitting too close to all that occurred in my life, including my mother’s betrayal and including being betrayed by Christians.
Whatever it all is, I don’t really care, all I know is it is deeply painful and makes me not want to trust anyone.
My fear level for being hurt, is too deeply ingrained.
It’s been carved painfully into my soul, deeper and deeper every time it has happened. it’s like the scar forms, but gets re-opened over and over.
I would rather be alone and miserable, than getting betrayed and be suicidal.
It comes down to which is safer.
Which is the less of the two evils.