I’ve heard several times, Christians are meant – no matter what they endure – to focus on Jesus’ return and all that will follow. The joy of the Kingdom of God to come, where the end of all suffering, pain, illness, tears – will be brought about.
I get it, I see it, I see this is very appealing to focus on and can allow some people to get through their trials.
This doesn’t happen for me, because I cannot ignore what is going on now, and focus on the future. People are suffering now. People are in pain, starving, being abused, being ill treated….now.
It’s all very well to think of yourself and think – well I’m okay – I know where I’m heading, I’m saved.
I can’t think in this kind of shallow manner and just avoid the harsh reality of what is happening now. It’s just not who I am.
Every life experience I have had, from as early as I can ever remember, is about needing to focus on the hurt and pain, of myself and far more so of others….now.
Asking me to change that….is like asking me to turn myself into a man.
I am who I am, my whole life and every part of my heart, my mind and my soul, has been sculpted by all I have endured and my fear for others, into who I am now.
I wish people would understand that. But, they don’t.
I see so much of how society thinks; ‘you have a choice to be happy’, ‘just focus on happy thoughts, ‘just count your blessings’, ‘just think of what you need’ and Christianity’s ‘focus on Jesus’ return’.
I cannot change the way my brain and mind and soul have been formed, overnight. I can think intellectually all I want, I understand it, fully, I am not stupid. But, knowing it intellectually, is not how it gets changed.
I have deep underlying issues of guilt and shame, that factor into a lot of what I think/do.
Shame, at thinking of myself and not others. Because I was taught from a young age, I was not important, or of value, my purpose was to care for others. And to think differently was shameful and I was treated badly for it.
I feel guilty, if I don’t worry about other people. Again, this was how I was trained to be. To worry for others, I was a mother to my sisters from a young age.
I missed out on much of my childhood, as a result of becoming an adult, way too soon, worrying about adult matters, being abused by adults, seeing porn at 10yrs old, mu body used for adult pleasures, having to look after my mother, being blamed and scape-goated for everything and constantly being treated badly, no matter how hard I tried to please anyone.
My childhood was stolen from me, in many ways and I didn’t learn things I needed to and that underlying shame and guilt – and it does not matter how much anyone tells me, or I tell myself this is wrong – the damage cannot be undone and I am too honest to pretend it can.
If I try not to think about others, not to worry about all the bad things happening in the world, I feel guilty. I get that I have some psychologically damaged way of feeling far too responsible for others and I cannot change that – no matter how hard I try.
When I try to not do what is normal for me – I feel shame and guilt.
It is ‘easier’ for me to stress and worry about others. Plus I have empathy for their pain too, as I always have done since being a child.
It creates less psychological and emotional shame and guilt that I cannot handle, to worry for others, than for myself.
I wish people would understand that too.
Shame and guilt, are a deep core level part of the damage of abuse like I endured, throughout childhood.