Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Life preserving need, to completely withdraw.


God knows how honest we are being and He knows how honest I am.

I’ve told God, I don’t want to carry my load anymore. I’ve had enough. I’m too tired, too exhausted, too sick of dealing with it all.

I’m at the point where I can’t leave my house, without being deeply anxious.

I do school runs, because I have to, and that is it.

I manage my anxiety behaviour and emotions while out of my home, which apparently is a good thing. But, it comes out in hives and my body is reacting to the fact that I have to suppress how I feel when I am out of the house.

I’m not a perfect person, but I don’t deserve this.

I don’t deserve to have had so many people hurt me.

I don’t deserve to be so scared of humanity, and it’s evil capabilities, that I can’t leave my home.

I tried for a very long time, to just get on with life and not let all the harm caused, to stop me living. I’ve been strong for a really long time.

But, the continual accumulation, has become more than my capacity to endure and manage.

And I am deeply fearful, that if there is any more, it truly will be fatal.

My isolation, is now a life preserving need.

And only one I am continuing with, because I have children to love and raise.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Life preserving need, to completely withdraw.

  1. Yes, yes, absolutely – I’ve been there. I feel like my need to isolate was definitely life preserving. It was painful to come out of, but like you, sometimes it has to happen. I truly wish I did not have to deal with others’ resistance to my need for solitude and sometimes, I admit, I completely resent it. Guess I’ll deal with that later. :/ In the meanwhile, know you are not alone.

    • I am so sorry you have endured the same and also needed to withdraw and isolate.

      It is so hard when those around you don’t understand and I truly have given up hope that they will. I think you have to have endured it fully, to understand it fully and the pain that goes with it.

      I understand, so please know, you are not alone either.

      I think isolation happens to many abuse survivors, especially when we start to work out what is truly going on in the world and how unsafe that can feel.

      • Thanks for your kind words. 🙂

        You’re so right about needing isolation when we are processing what happened so we can heal and integrate. The biggest boost for me has come in realizing that I have, indeed, changed and that is for the better. The resistance to others seems to suggest that they’d rather have me as I was because it serves their own [selfish] purposes.

        (Um, well, we’ve tried that…and it hasn’t worked out so swell…so now we’re trying something *different* and perhaps – I dunno – *more healthy*!) /laughing