I have a new Facebook community page I set up, to try and have something, now I am housebound, that would bring positivity into my life, as my healing page, is all about trauma and abusers.
My mermaid page, is more about my whole personality, and reflects all the different things I think about and I don’t have to be careful of speaking of my faith.
Mermaids, have a connection to my past, I read a book I loved about one as a child, and I used to daydream often about being a mermaid – swimming away where no-one could find me and the dolphins and fish being my friends and I was happy. A typical ‘freedom’ day dream of an abused child.
I relate to being ‘a mermaid’ in many ways. They are afraid of humans, yet they want to save them – at a risk to themselves. They are different, they are often alone, not afraid of the depths and afraid shallow living, they seem fragile, but strong. They have endured storms and rough seas, and yet remain alive.
I have tried several ways of finding ‘safe harbour’ in my life and been badly burned by too many people.
I am deeply afraid of getting hurt now, so I do avoid people, to do stay away and I am too scared of being hurt anymore.
I am lonely, but I am also safer.
And like mermaids – I protect my safety and just watch humans from a distance.
I have often tried to seek shelter, seek safe harbour, and found the opposite.
The minister of the church we attend, stated he knows the church is a ‘safe harbour’ for those who need it to heal, to feel safe, to feel protected.
But, this mermaid, is very frightened, very anxious and very much aware – the humans can hurt, and often do.
Her safe harbour, is away from them all.
My safe harbour, is my home.
It is now the only place, I feel safe.
People, are not safe, they lie, they harm, they let you down, they abuse. The cumulative harm, is overwhelming, and reflected by the level of anxiety I feel.
I am safer, when I am away from them, in my depths of my own company and my own thoughts, away from the shallowness of humanity.