Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It’s like Satan is twisting the knife.

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Thank God, I have this blog.

The child of the ‘best friends’ of the abusive pastor, is going to the same junior school as my son.

I didn’t expect to see them at this school and I am fully aware it is their right to take their child to the school, but it has made life harder, because having PTSD, means every time I see these people, it makes my mind jump to the abuser pastor and the trauma caused to me and all the intense emotions of all that. PTSD is triggers and I cannot help those, they are involuntary.

As the school runs are something I have to do, and I feel so unsafe everywhere, I find the school runs difficult. Because of these abuser friends, and because the other school my older son attends is in the same suburb and very close to the abuser and the abusive church.

So far, I have avoided this friend of the abuser pastor and stayed away from her and yet still I come out in hives every time I do school pick up.

Today, she decided she ‘had’ to brazenly come and talk to me. So ‘it wouldn’t be awkward’. I could barely hold it together, could feels the tears and my voice struggling to speak. It felt like eternity she was stood there asking me questions.

Why? Why couldn’t she just leave me alone. They have all done enough damage.

What on earth would make her think I would want to talk to her. But, then people’s actions are never about the other person, it’s always what they want. ‘She’ wanted it not to be awkward, ‘she’ feels like they have all done nothing wrong, so bold as brass she decided to speak to me, not knowing whether I want to or not.

I think the fact that I avoid her, would give her an inkling as to my need to stay away.

I managed to hold it together until I got into the car with my son and cried all the way to my other son’s school.

I am already so weak and fragile this weak, I really can’t take much more.

Why this week, did she have to decide to come and talk to me?

This week when I’m already struggling so badly.

it’s like Satan is twisting the knife.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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