I have spent a lot time on Facebook, both with my healing community page and my own personal account, plus the new page I set up.
I do miss them, I miss the connecting with people, I miss helping people, I miss being able to make encouraging comments and if people I know are unwell, or stressed, to offer kind words.
It is interesting how much I have done that for others, and how little I received back, particularly when my situation became very severe and everyone ignores that.
It’s so true what I read about your average person validating and dramatizing normal life experiences as though they are huge, and ignoring and minimizing real suffering. it’s the way of humanity with weak characters, with no empathy and little capacity to do what’s needed.
I know I am too honest, too open and too real for most people. Most people don’t want to know about real struggle, abuse etc – as that spoils their ‘easy lives’. It does expose their lack of empathy, their need to avoid anything that doesn’t fit within their easy, average lives. It shows their lack of courage. It exposes their own weaknesses to not cope well with every day issues, and minor health problems. It exposes their apathy, their selfishness, their lack of caring. Which is sad.
Sad, that no-one could even contact me, and just say ‘I don’t know what to say, but please know I am thinking of you’. I’ve done more than that when they have ‘a cold’. But, it’s easier to ignore me. Easier to avoid me. Easier to pretend I don’t exist. Easier for ‘them’.
It makes me realise, I have no friends that want to stand by my severe health issues, support my rawness and realness. And this is so typical of society now. And they will justify it, explain it away, convince themselves easily that ignoring me, is fine. Their lack of conscience, will ensure that. That’s if they have even thought about it all of course. Which is also unlikely.
And I have to grieve this, I have to grieve knowledge and acceptance of all this. I have to grieve the hurt and sadness this causes me, for myself and for the world, because this is why the world suffers.
Due to how I have been lately, I’ve had to discuss what will happen if I do end my life. I’ve told my husband, I only want him at my funeral, no-one else. Do not tell anyone, until after my funeral. For anyone else to attend, would be like the last final kick in the teeth. The last invalidation of my pain and need for support while I was alive. The last hypocritical act people have done in my life, repeatedly. I don’t want anyone at my funeral, other than the people who stand by me. And that is my husband and my children, if they are old enough to attend.
And I know to focus on knowing that I have my husband, I have my boys and they love me, and I have Jesus is needed and to cling to that, to keep me strong.
I have to accept this needs to be enough.
I have to accept, that if I continue to be an open and honest person, real and raw, in a very unreal, shallow, selfish society, people will avoid me and not want me in their lives.
Not being on Facebook anymore, means I can avoid society altogether, which is what I need to do.
Facebook isn’t safe, because it exposes me further to apathetic, narcissistic people, who lack emotional intelligence, lack love and caring and how they choose to ignore suffering. Which hurts me too much, because it is what I have had all my life.
So, whilst it is weird, to not see how people I know are doing, to help people, which is what I have always done, it does feel safer for me now, because I do need a break from this sad society I live in.
Maybe, I am not addicted to Facebook after all.
And I know I am safer, to not be part of social interaction, with apathetic, uncaring, selfish people.