Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It’s weird, but good, and safer, not being on facebook…

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I have spent a lot time on Facebook, both with my healing community page and my own personal account, plus the new page I set up.

I do miss them, I miss the connecting with people, I miss helping people, I miss being able to make encouraging comments and if people I know are unwell, or stressed, to offer kind words.

It is interesting how much I have done that for others, and how little I received back, particularly when my situation became very severe and everyone ignores that.

It’s so true what I read about your average person validating and dramatizing normal life experiences as though they are huge, and ignoring and minimizing real suffering. it’s the way of humanity with weak characters, with no empathy and little capacity to do what’s needed.

I know I am too honest, too open and too real for most people. Most people don’t want to know about real struggle, abuse etc – as that spoils their ‘easy lives’. It does expose their lack of empathy, their need to avoid anything that doesn’t fit within their easy, average lives. It shows their lack of courage. It exposes their own weaknesses to not cope well with every day issues, and minor health problems. It exposes their apathy, their selfishness, their lack of caring. Which is sad.

Sad, that no-one could even contact me, and just say ‘I don’t know what to say, but please know I am thinking of you’. I’ve done more than that when they have ‘a cold’. But, it’s easier to ignore me. Easier to avoid me. Easier to pretend I don’t exist. Easier for ‘them’.

It makes me realise, I have no friends that want to stand by my severe health issues, support my rawness and realness. And this is so typical of society now. And they will justify it, explain it away, convince themselves easily that ignoring me, is fine. Their lack of conscience, will ensure that. That’s if they have even thought about it all of course. Which is also unlikely.

And I have to grieve this, I have to grieve knowledge and acceptance of all this. I have to grieve the hurt and sadness this causes me, for myself and for the world, because this is why the world suffers.

Due to how I have been lately, I’ve had to discuss what will happen if I do end my life. I’ve told my husband, I only want him at my funeral, no-one else. Do not tell anyone, until after my funeral. For anyone else to attend, would be like the last final kick in the teeth. The last invalidation of my pain and need for support while I was alive. The last hypocritical act people have done in my life, repeatedly. I don’t want anyone at my funeral, other than the people who stand by me. And that is my husband and my children, if they are old enough to attend.

And I know to focus on knowing that I have my husband, I have my boys and they love me, and I have Jesus is needed and to cling to that, to keep me strong.

I have to accept this needs to be enough.

I have to accept, that if I continue to be an open and honest person, real and raw, in a very unreal, shallow, selfish society, people will avoid me and not want me in their lives.

Not being on Facebook anymore, means I can avoid society altogether, which is what I need to do.

Facebook isn’t safe, because it exposes me further to apathetic, narcissistic people, who lack emotional intelligence, lack love and caring and how they choose to ignore suffering. Which hurts me too much, because it is what I have had all my life.

So, whilst it is weird, to not see how people I know are doing, to help people, which is what I have always done, it does feel safer for me now, because I do need a break from this sad society I live in.

Maybe, I am not addicted to Facebook after all.

And I know I am safer, to not be part of social interaction, with apathetic, uncaring, selfish people.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 thoughts on “It’s weird, but good, and safer, not being on facebook…

  1. I just wanted to say that you sound better now that you are not on facebook. In my struggles with depression, I also had to shut out the world and remain in my “cocoon”… just me and God to get me through it. Yes, counseling helps but God is necessary…He is the Key to overcoming. Focus on yourself and God, my friend. I am praying for you.

    • Thank you, yes it is better not being on Facebook. I think it is needed to shut out the world when struggling, and it’s okay, although there is always a part of me that feels guilty when I am not engaged in helping people in someway.

      To focus just on my own needs in healing, does not come naturally to me, as it creates shame, that I know is about my childhood and how I was treated.

      It’s no doubt all part of healing process.

      • Yes, there comes a time when you have to focus on yourself. I have experienced even looking at blogs and crying for people that the weight of the world with a tremendous heaviness and darkness would consume me. I would have to take a step back and just say, “OK, Lord… I feel their pain but I can’t carry it… But You can.” We can’t carry burdens of others as we try to help everyone… but we can say Lord, You know it, You see it or I give it to You to take care of. My friend, I understand most of what you are feeling. Remember, shame and guilt and anything negative is not of God. I have had to remember that to and daily, multiple times a day, cry out to Him to help me. I would love for you to read my book and pray that God will give you a glimpse of Light in the darkness. I have been there. I know and I am praying for you, my friend.

  2. I wish I messaged you a lot more now, I feel so guilty. I think of myself as who am I, what could I do, when others seemingly care, I am but just one. I’ve failed you, and I am truly so very sorry. I put myself down, because I struggle with myself and don’t think I have much to give, and in doing so I have denied you. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I’d like to stop focusing on myself and what I think I cannot do, and be a friend to you, be there for you, perhaps if you fancy a pen pal as such, or more even? I know what it’s like to be alone, feel rejected and abandoned, and it fecking hurts. 😥 Much love and peace to you m’dearie, and many hugs (I wish I could just give you in person, or even one great big long hug) ❤ ❤ ❤ xx

    • Elena, thank you for your message, it is very kind of you. Please know, you have nothing to feel you have failed me for, or need forgiveness for.

      I am so sorry you also feel alone, rejected and abandoned, and it does deeply hurt, so it is good that we both know someone else understands that.

      My upset at reaching out to people, is about those who know me in my life, not on the internet. I reached out to people who personally know me, and was ignored and avoided, and that hurt me deeply, because they knew my suicidal state and it was a time where my life felt like it was imploding and I couldn’t cope.

      I think it is a lesson to me, to never ignore someone I know when they say they are suicidal, because regardless of whether judgements get made about why they feel that low, there is a possibility that they will go through with it. The death of the celebrity Charlotte Dawson, has taught me that.

      It also taught me that I need to protect myself more, from cyber abuse and that social media, just is not a safe place for people who are vulnerable, which is why I have currently closed down the healing page for a while.

      I always look to what I learn during these dark times, and there is always much to learn.

      Much love and peace and healing wanted for you too Elena, and please know you are very welcome here on my blog ((((hugs)))) ❤ ❤

  3. Reblogged this on thegirlwhowasabandonedandunloved and commented:
    I really like and admire this blogger, she has a lot of sensible things to say, and she puts her thoughts down so eloquently. xx

  4. Awww I understand hun I wish I could help :3 I have experienced such people in my life also…it really really does hurt.

    I am having awful tiffs and troubles with my fiance right now, because he just doesn’t understand my CPTSD, he has made accusations, insinuations, that I either make up entirely or and exaggerate my poor memory, etc. Things aren’t too good for us, he’s happy to just apologise and make up but I’m not, because I want to make sure he understands me more than I feel he does, and to do that he needs to understand my illness. But I am just not sure how to make him see.

    He used to be a lot more understanding when he could see your posts on fb I guess….but since then he’s had nothing to look at and for some reason the stubborn bugger just wont do his own research, claiming he knows enough, but then criticizes me for it, albeit him having a bad day or whatever.

    Do you know of any really good and trusted websites, and books also to do with CPTSD, and or how to care for someone with it, or something for partners of partners who have it etc. Also do you live in the UK at all? If so, how on earth do you find someone who specialises in CPTSD, or at the very least PTSD, preferably as a result of long term childhood abuse, ritualistic abuse etc? :/ I’ve never had a therapist before and I am losing my mind, and it’s getting in between me and my fiance, I’m afraid I’ll just dump him and break off the engagement if I cannot find anyone to help me or us. I really am at the end of my tether….

    *hugs* ❤ ❤ ❤ xx