Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

From a great fear of being confined….to then confining myself.

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It’s weird how things can travel, when trying to heal from complex trauma. How you can go from a deep fear of a prison made by others to harm me, to a prison of my own.

Having been in captivity as an adolescent, suffering severe abuse daily…my freedom became something I understood the value of, deeply.

Having been confined for 4 years, to a small flat, not being allowed contact with other people, through most of it, and basically being a sadistic psychopath’s sex toy to terrorise, the captivity of those walls, used to make me feel intensely trapped and I had a fear of small spaces and feeling trapped, in many ways.

As a child, around 8 or 9 yrs od, I was also abused by a paedophile, within the small, dark room the abuse occurred. Often the only light, was small cracks in the curtains, or the light from the TV with the porn videos playing that he made me watch. This went on for several years too, and ended when I was about 12.

When feeling highly emotional. triggered, fear, I can still feel the walls closing in on me and the intense need to run and get out.

After the adolescent captivity ended, and for most of my life following all that, I hated being stuck within the confines of anywhere. I was never a homebody, always wanted to be out. I liked having a job that meant I wasn’t confined to an office.

Which, is why my current agoraphobia symptoms, are so strange. Because now, the only safe place I feel, is within the confines of my home, with the doors locked. At my worst last week, even going out into my yard, felt unsafe and as much as I know that sounds so irrational, I just needed to get back into my home and feel the safety of locking the door. There is great comfort, in turning that key and knowing, I am as safe, as I can possibly be. What a turnaround.

What a contradiction of fears, from one extreme to the other.

But, there is a positive in this, because prior to my current deep need to be at home, I didn’t have a safe place. Nowhere really felt safe, I just tolerated wherever I was.

So, at least I have a safe place, even though it has become like my own self made prison.

In the past the prison was created by others to harm me. I was trapped and in fear, at their doing, at their mercy.

Now, my prison of my own home, is one I want, and of my own free will, and I am in control of, I get to decide when I leave, and return.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “From a great fear of being confined….to then confining myself.

  1. Wow… I can feel this from the depression aspect. I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you but I can relate to what you are currently experiencing to the depression that I have fought myself. Locked in my own house, no one calling, no one coming, safe where the world can not hurt me anymore. Only contact with my children and closest siblings…and God. A safe haven. A Secret Place where God knows all my pain and everything that I was feeling. But it is also a place of REST. Rest in Him my friend. Cry out to God. He will strengthen you and heal you for your next phase in life. Sometimes He allows us to go through things just we can understand how others feel and can help others. I know that He is raising an army to speak out about abuse. Reach out for Him, my sister and ask Him to open the doors that He wants you to walk through, and close and lock the doors that He wants you to avoid. Then trust Him to do it. Praying for you, my sister!!

  2. Thanks for this post. I found the bit at the end about controlling when I stay or leave very helpful. I am struggling with why I keep myself trapped in this town (it used to be my house) when I really want my freedom. It’s a work in progress I suppose.

    • I’m so glad this post helped you. I know the emotions I feel of being trapped, are due to my past. So, this is how I was able to understand and see that I’m not actually trapped in my home – I have control, I do have freedom and now this is of my choosing.
      I understand how you feel about being trapped in a town too.
      It is all part of a journey and the work in progress can’t be rushed.
      Knowing this, is good.

      • this also helped me to realize that I too am safe in my own home and that I have control, freedom of choice. Kinda scary at times to exercise my human rights though. Yes, it is a process! Thank you so much 🙂