It’s weird how things can travel, when trying to heal from complex trauma. How you can go from a deep fear of a prison made by others to harm me, to a prison of my own.
Having been in captivity as an adolescent, suffering severe abuse daily…my freedom became something I understood the value of, deeply.
Having been confined for 4 years, to a small flat, not being allowed contact with other people, through most of it, and basically being a sadistic psychopath’s sex toy to terrorise, the captivity of those walls, used to make me feel intensely trapped and I had a fear of small spaces and feeling trapped, in many ways.
As a child, around 8 or 9 yrs od, I was also abused by a paedophile, within the small, dark room the abuse occurred. Often the only light, was small cracks in the curtains, or the light from the TV with the porn videos playing that he made me watch. This went on for several years too, and ended when I was about 12.
When feeling highly emotional. triggered, fear, I can still feel the walls closing in on me and the intense need to run and get out.
After the adolescent captivity ended, and for most of my life following all that, I hated being stuck within the confines of anywhere. I was never a homebody, always wanted to be out. I liked having a job that meant I wasn’t confined to an office.
Which, is why my current agoraphobia symptoms, are so strange. Because now, the only safe place I feel, is within the confines of my home, with the doors locked. At my worst last week, even going out into my yard, felt unsafe and as much as I know that sounds so irrational, I just needed to get back into my home and feel the safety of locking the door. There is great comfort, in turning that key and knowing, I am as safe, as I can possibly be. What a turnaround.
What a contradiction of fears, from one extreme to the other.
But, there is a positive in this, because prior to my current deep need to be at home, I didn’t have a safe place. Nowhere really felt safe, I just tolerated wherever I was.
So, at least I have a safe place, even though it has become like my own self made prison.
In the past the prison was created by others to harm me. I was trapped and in fear, at their doing, at their mercy.
Now, my prison of my own home, is one I want, and of my own free will, and I am in control of, I get to decide when I leave, and return.