Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Poem – Real Daily Suffering of Forgotten People

A poem in response to some research on the desperate poverty and ill health, homelessness women and children, of Nepal and many other countries, living in such desperate circumstances.

I can only imagine the mental health and physical health issues, they will be dealing with daily.

BillyScanlan photography

Ragged abused street children
Poor abused women, ignored
By all the rich tourists
Spending their money
On their pleasures
Closing eyes, hearts
To deep pain in the faces
Of so many

Some good hearts
Volunteer, help
These desperate people

Devastating poverty
Suffering etched
Into their beautiful faces

Not how
Any human, any child
Should live in 2014

Rich people worldwide
Ignoring this
Living in luxury
They need more
Entitlement rich
Empathy, compassion poor Continue reading


The highest death rate amongst child bearing age women in Nepal, is from suicide.


Well, having done some research today, on Nepal’s severe poverty, lack of health and so much that is so terrible, including the high rates of severe mental health issues, like psychosis, and suicide, I feel like such a pathetic whinger.

Suicide is the largest cause of death amongst child bearing age women, in Nepal. I am not surprised, after reading all I have.

Many women, will be facing massive trauma, watching their child suffer and die, severe poverty, lack of health services, lack of mental health services, no money for medications etc.

And here I am whinging about my mental health issues, whilst I sit on my comfortable lounge, typing on my laptop, listening to my children playing in our pool. A fridge and cupboards full of food, a good roof over our heads, a public health system, and mental health services which we can afford, even though we have to go without….luxuries.

I have these overwhelming surges of feeling ashamed of how I whinge and complain.

I can barely cope, and I have so much, that these poor people don’t.

And they probably whinge less than me. Continue reading

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Christian Minister Bernadine Prince – A Drug Smuggler…Any Christians Talking About That???


I wonder if Christian’s who like to point the fingers at non Christians – like Shapelle Corby, about drugs, or even Fred Nile – (Australian) Christian Democrat Party pointing fingers about Charlottle Dawson for an abortion, are talking about this story???

I doubt it – most Christians don’t want to talk about the huge failures within their own back yards. They sure like to ignore their own failings. Hypocrites. The Royal Commission is exposing that, praise God!

I would like to see Christianity be far more focussed on it’s own failures, abuse condoned by it’s own ministers, child abuse covered up in the masses, all the abuse of power within the hierarchy’s and how Christians fail to be like Christ, continually.


Take note Fred Nile. If you have the courage.

Royal Commission – severe childhood abuse, can be a lifetime sentence.


“A woman who was sexually assaulted at a Sydney girls home in the 1960s has told a Royal Commission she thinks about killing herself every day.

Ms Mulquiney said there has not been a day where she does not think about killing herself but she keeps going for her “beautiful” children and grandchildren, the Daily Telegraph reports.”

I feel so deeply for this woman who is now 59. To suffer for decades, from abuse she should never have been subjected to.

Severe childhood abuse, can give you a lifetime sentence, and yet the abusers, aren’t given lifetimes sentences. They are often not sent to prison at all, or given sentences that do not reflect in any way the devastation their victim(s), will suffer, often for decades, or a lifetime. Victims, often result from the abuse in having mental health illnesses developing, relationships are affected, quality of life, severely affected. Continue reading


I’m going to make a homemade Gratitude Journal.


I have heard of this idea, But never assumed I needed one of these.

But, I think it will help focus my mind on those dark days, when I cannot see the good.

I’m going to include photos, quotes, things I know about how many people in the world are suffering far more than I am.

Not, to invalidate my own life, traumas, or pain, but to focus on the good, because the good is always there and it is a choice to see it, or ignore it.

Which, is a lot easier said than done. But, it can’t hurt to try a gratitude journal.

Someone I know is currently in Nepal. And I know Nepal is a very poor country, and I googled photos, of the poor living there and info about the country. Whilst this actually upsets me, because I struggle seeing suffering, especially children, it does remind me, that I am blessed with so much, that so many aren’t. And it reminds me, there are good people helping others in the world, as I know there are people volunteering and helping in many ways, within many poor countries around the world. Continue reading

Being thankful, for what I do have…..rather than focussing completely, on what I don’t.

Half Empty or Half Full

Sometimes, I literally have to force myself to think about what I do have in my life that is good, because I do have good.

Having severe depression, can make it almost impossible to look at the good, but, I know having a grateful heart, makes me feel better.

I seem to spend a lot of time, apologising to God, for not being grateful enough for what I do have. I know He understands. He knows I have never acted the victim and always tried to see life as joyful. He knows what I have been through and how none of this, is what I want.

And it okay, to be sad about so much abuse and pain the huge consequences of that, I deal with daily. It is okay to feel sad, to feel self sorrow, to admit being exhausted and depressed.

But, I do try hard when I visit ‘deepdepressionsville’, to not unpack and stay there too long.

This afternoon, I am focussing on my beautiful boys, my helpful husband, the beautiful weather, our lovely pool and praise God for all that.


I am now everything, I never wanted to be.


Throughout my adult life, I have always been strong, always highly functioning, always worked, always had a life. Not a perfect one, and I’ve made a lot of bad choices, but I always made life everything I could, with what I had at the time.

And as I learned more, I did better. I’ve always wanted to do better. Be a better person.

One thing remained very strong within me – I was never going to let what anyone else had done to me, stop me from living, or ruin my life. I never used my past, as an excuse, never complained about it, I rarely even spoke to my husband about it. He had no clue, my past was as bad as it was, although he knew the bare minimum, and he knew my mother and sisters were very screwed up. But, like everyone, he knew I was ‘different’, but believed I was so strong and had put all that past stuff behind me.

Just like society tells you to. Just like I had to – because I had no support.

So, I worked hard, played hard, did everything to the best of my ability. I am an all or nothing girl, who when something is important – I give it everything I have.

And I never let my past – win. Or so I thought. I had lots of friends, a social life, I loved talking, chatting, helping people. I loved fun and living life to the full, wherever I could. Continue reading

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Hierarchy of needs……yeah I am screwed.


In the Maslow based hierarchy of needs, the main ones at the bottom, are the most essential. They are the base upon which a person’s whole life is built upon. They are the basic foundations, every person needs, to lead a secure, happy, joyful life.

When I look at this, I just feel such lack of hope, because my basic needs are not fulfilled. Yes, I have most of the first layer, food, air, water, but even that includes sleep and sleep and I have never been friends.

The next three layers, make me want to cry. I desperately lack these in my life, always have and I know I always will.

Hopelessness, is a truly terrible place to be at.


Trying to trust anyone, feels like my greatest form of self harm…


I learned young, to not trust. I didn’t learn that childhood need, of being able to rely on, depend on, or trust anyone.

Danger and harm, surrounded me constantly, and I knew, my hypervilgilance, developed young.

My earliest memory of this fear, I was about 7, and hanging a dangly thing on the end of my bedroom door handle, at night, so it would fall and wake me up if anyone came in. Why? I still don’t really know. I don’t know if some kind of abuse had already occurred, that I don’t remember, or if my awareness of my step father being ‘not normal’ created that fear. But, one thing for sure, I knew I was in danger of being harmed, and so much that I endured later, and so much I now Know, is validation, that my fear as a young child, was needed.

If my childhood had been all there was in my life, of fear and abuse, I may have been able to get past that.

But, my life went on to show me time, after time, you cannot trust anyone. More abuse, more fear, more that showed me to never trust, or assume people care, or that they will be there for you, when you need them most. Continue reading