Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am now everything, I never wanted to be.

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Throughout my adult life, I have always been strong, always highly functioning, always worked, always had a life. Not a perfect one, and I’ve made a lot of bad choices, but I always made life everything I could, with what I had at the time.

And as I learned more, I did better. I’ve always wanted to do better. Be a better person.

One thing remained very strong within me – I was never going to let what anyone else had done to me, stop me from living, or ruin my life. I never used my past, as an excuse, never complained about it, I rarely even spoke to my husband about it. He had no clue, my past was as bad as it was, although he knew the bare minimum, and he knew my mother and sisters were very screwed up. But, like everyone, he knew I was ‘different’, but believed I was so strong and had put all that past stuff behind me.

Just like society tells you to. Just like I had to – because I had no support.

So, I worked hard, played hard, did everything to the best of my ability. I am an all or nothing girl, who when something is important – I give it everything I have.

And I never let my past – win. Or so I thought. I had lots of friends, a social life, I loved talking, chatting, helping people. I loved fun and living life to the full, wherever I could.

Now, here I am, confined to my own home, too scared to go out, too afraid to be around people. My past has done the very thing I tried so hard, for so long, not to do. Affected my life so badly, I don’t have a life outside of my home.

I am so exhausted all the time, I can barely type on this blog.

My exhaustion and PTSD, affect me as a mother, wife, emotionally in ways I can barely speak or think about, because the guilt and shame affect me so badly. I am not either a mother or wife, I want to be. I’m assured I am not a bad mother, or wife, I don’t hurt anyone, and I do make as much effort as I can and I try to be happy around them. I mostly manage to keep my sadness, or depression, for when they are not around. But, my limitations as a mother and wife, affect me badly, because I had a bad mother and I have always been so driven to not be ‘my mother’. And I am nothing like my mother.

I love my children, I protect them, I am affectionate, caring, interested in what they are doing and thinking. I try hard to give them and teach them all they need to be secure, caring people, with good values and good hearts. They know they are loved, they know they can trust me and they know I am unwell and I am honest about that. But, to not be ‘supermum’, is an emotional trigger of shame for me, that I have to suppress, because it hurts far too much.

I can’t write anymore. The mum stuff is too hard.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “I am now everything, I never wanted to be.

  1. This post got me right in the gut. I am forever avoiding the same thoughts you ended on here. I’ve learned there’s no end to the guilt one can generate over not being a super mom any or all of the time. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember that you’re at least doing a good job for your children even with the past you had and despite how much it is affecting your present. Xx

    • Thank you for your message. It is validating to know there are others who understand and feel the same. Yes, those shame and guilt emotions, never seem to gone, they are always just there under the surface.
      I never expect anyone else to be supermum, and know I don’t need to be, as no-one is, regardless of a past like mine or having PTSD etc.
      That inner critical voice, is such a hard thing to remove completely.
      I will try to be gentle with myself and I have you are too.
      xx

  2. WOW! How sad but so refreshing to hear someone understands just what I have been going through for the past ten years. I have many friends, poured my heart and soul into my children after my divorce. I put my past behind me an began to date. I met a wonderful man we dated for three years an he passed away in his late 40,s from a car accident. My kids were off at college so I felt alone again. I shut down turning my attention to my home. Working endlessly on the inside and out. I lost my home an all my posessions in a fire storm. I felt I was being punished in some way. I again shut down my friends an family. I rebuilt my home but not the inside of me. I can’t seem to let anyone care about me it scares me to death to open up or need someone. I’m in a hotel room writing this. I went away for three days alone just to try to heal inside. I recently lost my father.