Nightmares are too much. My past is never my past. It is my now. My future.

Sometimes, I can’t bear thinking I may be dealing with these nightmares for the rest of my natural life. And the emotional flashbacks and the intrusive thoughts.

I hate that they are involuntary and I cannot stop them from happening.

I hate that other people go through this too. No-one deserves to go through severe abuse at all. But to then keep re-experiencing it over and over – is so cruel.

I read what other people on my community page write and the pain they feel and I desperately don’t want this for any of these survivors of abuse.

Last night my nightmare was about the child sexual abuse I endured as a child. My nightmares are normally of abuse at the hands of a sadistic psychopath. I don’t have nightmares frequently of the child sexual abuse I endured at the hands of a paedophile.

Will I ever be done with emotional flashbacks & grieving…

This is info that I really relate to and Pete Walker’s info – often based on John Briere’s work – always resonates with me. I think Pete walker having been a complex trauma survivor himself, shows in his expression of how painful symptoms feel.

The role of grieving in treating childhood trauma and Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Insight, as crucially important as it is, is never enough in recovery. No amount of intention or epiphany can bypass one’s need to learn to lovingly care for himself when he is suffering from the emotional flashbacks of C-PTSD.

Emotional flashbacks are regressions that take the survivor back to the excruciating states of fear, humiliation, abandonment, helplessness and hopelessness that he nearly drowned in during childhood. Grieving is an irreplaceable tool for metabolizing and resolving the overwhelming feelings that arise during emotional flashbacks.

Grieving aids the survivor immeasurably to work through the innumerable death-like experiences of being lost and trapped in emotional flashbacks. Grieving also supports recovery from the many painful, death-like losses caused by childhood traumatization. Recoverees need to grieve the death of safety and belonging in their own childhoods – the death of their early attachment needs. They need to mourn the myriad heartbreaks of their frustrated attempts to win approval and affection from their parents.

As the grieving process therapeutically evolves, survivors typically uncover a great deal of unresolved grief about the deadening absence of the nurturance they needed to develop and thrive. Children will only flourish if the following types of needs are consistently met: 1. Physical needs for affection and protection; 2. Emotional needs for caring, regard and interest; 3. Spiritual needs for recognition of their worth and basic goodness; 4. Verbal needs for welcoming inquiry, positive feedback, and multidimensional conversation.

It is difficult to become motivated to grieve losses that occurred so long ago. Many of these losses seem so nebulous that trying to embrace grieving is a bit like trying to embrace dental work. Who wants to go to the dentist? But who doesn’t go once the toothache becomes acute. Soul ache is considerably harder to assign to the losses of childhood, yet those who take the grieving journey described below come to know unquestionably that the core of their soul ache and psychological suffering is in the unworked through losses of growing up with abandoning parents.

No counsellor…

My current counsellor cannot work, for an unknown amount of time. My doctor/counsellor, cannot provide counselling as often as I need it, she has already stated that.

That’s okay, that’s life, can’t be helped…I try to tell myself…

This creates a level of fear and anxiety, that is too much to think about, so I am doing my absolute best, to not think about it and distract myself with other things.

Having been the most suicidal I have been in over 20 years, last month, I know I am very fragile right now. So much so, that I cannot handle or even entertain the thought of starting again with another counsellor. My fragility and emotional state, cannot cope with that.

I am currently coping daily, by doing very little. My husband is currently doing everything at home, cooking, cleaning, washing, bless him, while I struggle to get in the shower every day, do the school runs, and immerse myself constantly on the internet as my escape from my current fears of having to think about myself. My trauma choice that works and I default to – freeze. Avoid, isolate, dissociate. If I distract myself with helping others, I will be okay…

How the hell did I end up here? I was doing okay wasn’t I? Obviously not. I know why. Because I have had big triggers and situations occur I can’t cope with, and everything has just gotten worse.

And now…..I have no counsellor.

Could not be worse timing.

Rape Culture, Sexual Violence, Victim Blaming increasing why? Narcissism & Sociopaths increasing.

There are always psychological reasons for certain behaviours increasing within society.

Sexual violence, rape culture and victim blaming – are all increasing because narcissism & sociopaths are increasing.

‘Generation Me’ believes;

Anyone can do what they want

Regardless of it being right or wrong

Regardless of it hurting others

And they feel completely ‘entitled’ to do what they choose

And have no accountability for their actions.

No remorse

No empathy for their victims.

Outward blaming onto the victim e.g. she was dressed like a slut, so she was ‘asking for it’.

I have heard Christians ‘blaming’ victims, because of the way they dress and stating that a wife should not deny her husband sex.

All VERY wrong.

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/4450220.html

Narcissists are not capable of being Christians…they masquerade as Christians.

This occurs within Christianity far more than many realise, or are willing to accept.

I agree with this quote – found https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Mother/499761973369646

Narcissist ‘Christians’ breeding more the same. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.

I know a ‘minister in training’ – doing one of those bare minimum, ‘be a minister fast track’ courses in ministry that supposedly then equates to ‘being a minister’.

Many church ministers are vastly undereducated and underqualified to be ministers/pastors, which is why so many teach so wrongly and Christianity is failing so badly, far too much.

This minister doing this ‘get to be a minister fast’ route, has a wife, who is a highly egotistical person, and a clear example of her ways was displayed recently – which other entitled types also consider appropriate.

At the school where my youngest attends, this woman decided the other day, instead of arriving early to park and pick up her 5 year old child, she would turn up at the school bell time, and pull in, right by zebra crossing, right outside the school gates, double parked, for several minutes, blocking up all the traffic.

All she needed to do, was drive further down, and park, get out and walk back up the road…..like everyone else.

But, nope, she decided to park illegally, and not give a second thought to all the traffic she was blocking, that were piled up all the way down the road.

Firstly, what a bad example to children watching this – illegally parking.

Secondly, what an entitled attitude, not remotely concerned how this was affecting others.

Thirdly, it was dangerous, because then all the banked up traffic, were having to drive onto the wrong side of the road, around the zebra crossing to get around her.

Fourthly, how bloody selfish and lazy can you be.

Fifthly, this a minister’s wife in training.

My husband, who is a cop, said she was acting like an idiot and said about her entitled attitude himself. If he had been on duty, he would have booked her. Other people were obviously annoyed too, but she had that ‘I don’t care’ attitude and look on her face.

Jesus wasn’t an enabler, apathetic, limp ‘let’s just love everyone’. Neither am I.

Far too many Christians, choose the softly softly let’s just ‘love’ everyone, or ignore what they do that harms others, or minimize it.

Why?

Because they are scared that they are not doing their ‘oh so lovely’ Christian duty.

Is this wise – absolutely not. So it is not ‘grace’.

Is this what Jesus modelled – absolutely not.

Jesus got angry, was emotional, told others who were doing wrong if they were causing harm – told them exactly what they were. Hypocrites, the devil. ‘Get behind me Satan’.

Now, I am not suggesting everyone should do this exactly, we are not Jesus.

But, neither will I be a weak, limp, ineffective, unwise, enabling Christian either.

The road of change and personal growth can be really fast…

An example, I was just searching through the ABC TV channel to see if there is anything worth watching over the next few days.

I used to watch anything on TV, all the shallow crap. Now there is so little I want to watch.

I don’t like soaps, reality TV, most shallow programs that are so popular, I avoid, they bore me. I used to love them all.

I watch Law & Order SVU, because I like the acting, I like Mariska Hargitay, the different mental health issues they focus on interests me, I like seeing perps get jail time they deserve, even though it is fiction. And I know why – none of my abusers received the legal or moral consequences they deserved. It’s a comfort thing, I get the psychology.

I support Mariska Hargitay on all the work she does off camera to help reduce abuse.

http://thinkprogress.org/culture/2014/03/28/3420499/law-order-myths-rape/

But, there is little else on TV that I find interesting to watch.

I see the issues associated to much of current TV and I don’t want to be involved in encourage normalising bad behaviours and making it comedy. I don’t intend to be involved in increasing bad behaviour, narcissism, egocentricity, bullying, bitching, lack of empathy, materialism, competition, greed etc.

And I see fully the harm TV causes, it’s not ‘just’ TV. It has a huge effect on society. And so many don’t see this, or don’t care. My integrity to what is right, is too deep. Plus, most TV truly bores me, that I just cannot watch it. It’s like watching children’s TV, to me now.

In fact watching society, is like watching children to me, and these are many people older than me, or those who consider themselves to be intelligent and successful people.

The woman that I was even 3 years ago…..is long gone.

Cheap Grace – a huge ignored issue within the modern Church. Cheap grace is NOT grace.

Until Christianity deals with this – and abusing God’s Word, the modern Church will always be absolute hypocrites.

I want no part in cheap grace.

Far too many apathetic, uneducated, abusive Christians, use cheap grace to justify anything and everything.

And the secular world – KNOWS this and sees the hypocrisy.

Cheap grace, is why ABUSE occurs.

How Christians deal with church abuse. Apaths, Egocentrics, Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths.

Some examples of Christian abusers, and how they deal with abuse.

Apaths

Yeah, I know there are some Bible verses somewhere about abuse and I think Jesus helped abused people, but I’m not Jesus. We’re all sinners, so whatever. Not my problem. Oh and that minister who was accused of abuse, I like him, so that victim must have been lying. The minister never hurt me. Yeah that victim must be lying.

Egocentrics

I have enough ministry in church to deal with and dealing with abuse is not part of that. I only bother with stuff that I enjoy and like. I’m not interested in helping that abuse victim. And anyway I have enough of my own problems, I need to talk about, so can we focus on that.

Narcissists

I want people to look up to me, so I will say and do all the right things, learn as much of the Bible as I can, but I don’t really care what it means. I want everyone at church to look at us and think wow they are amazing Christians and we’ll keep anything that isn’t okay, hidden, because our image is everything. And women need to know their place, the man is the head of the household, right. If I’m a minister – I can take advantage of a few of the flock, perks of the job, right. Children need good hard physical punishment. If we get exposed, we’ll lie, deny and start a smear campaign, so that person will have to leave church. I love being a minister, everyone has to listen to me up on my stage. Because I am special.

Sociopaths

I will use the Bible to tell people they are sinners and tell them God is angry with them. I don’t care what they think, the Bible is right and I will speak it, I don’t care if it hurts all those people and pushes them away from church and away from God. And you know those conflicting Bible verses, yeah I’ll just ignore those, they don’t fit with my very right wing views. I love the Old Testament the best, great Bible verses to attack people with. Don’t expose me, that makes you demonic. And abuse, well physically abusing my children with belts is good for them and I’ll emotionally abuse my wife all I like. I’m her husband, she does what I say.

Psychopaths.

God hates fags. You will burn in hell for what you have done. God gave you aids, because he hates you. Those child abuse victims – church lawyers – you treat the victims really badly, they are not getting a cent out of us, I don’t care how many times that priest raped them as children. That victim is the enemy, the devil. Make their life hell. Another priest accused of child rape, got caught, okay tell the priest we will protect him and get rid of that victim as fast as we can. Oh I’ve been promoted to the Vatbank, I deserve that. My wife can’t deny me sex, it says in the Bible, I don’t care if she’s unwell, I want it and I will get it, whenever I demand it.