Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


PTSD, causes shame and guilt, especially as a mother.


Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my children. I love them deeply with all my heart.

I feel huge guilt, that my PTSD affects my family, even though I minimize the affect to them greatly.

But, the fact that I can end up feeling suicidal, causes me more guilt and shame, than I can handle.

To fail as a mother, is deeply distressing to me.

Being a mother is a tough gig for anyone, but it is far worse with PTSD.

No matter how much I tell myself that this isn’t failure on my part – because I am not to blame for all the abuse I endured, and I am not to blame for my PTSD breakdown and incapacity to suppress it all – like I did for decades.

My current situation, is not wanted me no-one more than me.

But, that does not stop guilt and shame.

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I guess, I am doing okay, when I can acknowledge this.


I think suffering, can grow people more.

And this list, is not to feel superior, I am no better than anyone.

But, sometimes, I feel incredibly weak, especially when people minimize and invalidate my suffering, like happened today and continually happens.

I have to remind myself, that I have been through so much, so I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but actually when I do – I see my strengths, which my suffering and life, have enabled God to equip me with.

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Things I have learned in the last 2 months.

I still have severe PTSD. I can still be highly triggered, and feel highly emotional and this sink into despair and hopelessness, that can still be life threatening.

People I have to have trust in, who have different views to me about those who sexually abuse and rape children, are very triggering. I accept they have those views, but I don’t have to agree with them, or believe they are wise.

I can and will remain with integrity to what I know is not okay and my belief that the safety of children, should always be paramount.

Everyone, who I disagree with, will assume it is ‘my issues’ and that I have no opinion, especially if it is different to theirs. It will always be the easy way to justify their own views.

Christianity has as many, if not more issues, with how to deal with child rapists/paedophiles/sex offenders and the like, as secular society.

Compassion, should never replace wisdom, or justice, or the safety of vulnerable people. Continue reading

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I can’t believe people fall for the sob stories of child rapists either…


Attached to this post on their FB page at https://www.facebook.com/facaaus

Cry me a river child rapist ! Am I the only one sick to death of hearing child rapists cry about how hard their lives are ?

So last night there was a story on the ABC’s four corners program about two child rapists who adopted a young child and systematically abused the poor little man and allowed others to do the same.

The child abuser spoke of how he himself was abused by the network of man/boy love and how it caused him to see nothing wrong with what he did to the child. Is he kidding me ! He thought he was doing no wrong, come on honestly mate your lawyer may have brought that rubbish but no one with half a brain (or a soul in this case) will swallow it for a second.

In previous investigations into the child rapist’s world FACAA have often come across child rapists crying about how hard life is for them, about how society doesn’t understand them and how no one let’s them be them. How it’s natural for adults to rape children (they call it love but as well all know a child can not give consent which makes it rape) and how hard it is to live in a world where they are so misunderstood.

Well cry me a damn river you child raping pathetic cowards ! Continue reading

Actions over time, show whether you are a honest, nice person….or a fake.


I remember clearly being in work, in my 20’s, and having some hassle off work colleagues, who were being bitchy, and another woman, turning around and saying ‘leave (my name) alone, she hasn’t got a bad bone in her body’.

This stands out in my mind so clearly – because it was so different to all I had heard from my own family – and how I felt about myself. My family always treated me like I was a bad person, who deserved to be treated as nothing more than a cash machine and to take the piss out of and if I ever voiced my hurt about this – I was being a ‘drama queen’. It’s the way it always was for me, the role of the scapegoat. And I was still nice to them.

I’ve had many people tell me through my life, I am too nice for my own good. The minister of the church I attend told me a few weeks back, that I need to think of myself more – and that is advice for me only and not advice he will give to anyone else.

I was talking about this with my husband earlier. No matter what I go through – I still remain honest, real and nice to people. I don’t get angry with people, I am far more likely to suppress it into depression and self shame. Continue reading


What is Christian Prosperity Teaching….



I watched Joyce Myer the other day on the TV.

She is very engaging, very charming, funny – you know as narcissistic trait types – who love the limelight, can be.

At the end of her show, as always – she has a big promotion of all the DVD’s you can buy – to end up just like her. When you go in any Christian bookstore – there is whole section for Joyce.

I’ve only read one of her books, a few years ago – I got to the part of her wealth and I thought – this is not right….and then I did not know about prosperity teaching, and the sin of this – I worked this out by myself.

But, anyway back to Joyce – yay – if I listen to Joyce, I will get rich – because God will love me more and provide wealth for me to live in luxury…..so I must quickly order those DVD’s…

Yes, I am being sarcastic…..but seriously – why do so many ‘buy’ into this crap???? Continue reading

Something to lighten up my day…!


Sometimes, I have to have some humour, because the fact is, to have survived all this, is nothing short of a miracle.

And the praise for my survival, is all God’s.

And I should have put 2 psychopaths, because paedophiles, are sexual psychopaths too.


Not getting sucked in…..I am too strong for that now.


I don’t and won’t become an apath minion, for those on the narcissism/sociopath continuum.

I do not have to have compassion for them, and if I do, that is my choice and not because anyone tells me I have to.

The length of time and way on which I need to forgive – is not dictated, by any other person on earth.

I will not get sucked in to this crap – that I must show their concept of cheap grace, for anyone capable of sexually assaulting, or raping another person.

I am not meant to be more like other Christians, I am meant to be more like Christ and I will never be Christ and He ONLY knows my pain and is understanding.

I need no validation, from anyone who hasn’t lived my life, to tell me how to live it.

Music that reminds me of being 16.

The intensity of her love, the desperation, the fear of being abandoned, the wavy out of focus parts – like dissociation, clearly her getting involved with bad, the over-sexualised video, the music building like a climax continually – the song sounding like sex, is very representative of how I felt at 16.

And the drowning at the end.

Acknowledging all these emotions and how I felt at that time, is really hard. But, I am honest with myself and I know I have to be, if I want to heal fully.

I was a very screwed up, lonely, scared, vulnerable, over-sexualised girl, at 16. I accept that and I know why, because of the childhood sexual abuse and psychological abuse I endured and upbringing I had, within the environment and people I was surrounded by. Continue reading