Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No counsellor…

4 Comments

My current counsellor cannot work, for an unknown amount of time. My doctor/counsellor, cannot provide counselling as often as I need it, she has already stated that.

That’s okay, that’s life, can’t be helped…I try to tell myself…

This creates a level of fear and anxiety, that is too much to think about, so I am doing my absolute best, to not think about it and distract myself with other things.

Having been the most suicidal I have been in over 20 years, last month, I know I am very fragile right now. So much so, that I cannot handle or even entertain the thought of starting again with another counsellor. My fragility and emotional state, cannot cope with that.

I am currently coping daily, by doing very little. My husband is currently doing everything at home, cooking, cleaning, washing, bless him, while I struggle to get in the shower every day, do the school runs, and immerse myself constantly on the internet as my escape from my current fears of having to think about myself. My trauma choice that works and I default to – freeze. Avoid, isolate, dissociate. If I distract myself with helping others, I will be okay…

How the hell did I end up here? I was doing okay wasn’t I? Obviously not. I know why. Because I have had big triggers and situations occur I can’t cope with, and everything has just gotten worse.

And now…..I have no counsellor.

Could not be worse timing.

I was shocked and I am frightened at how low my emotional state can still reduce to, and I believed I was past that. Had to discuss with my husband about my funeral should the worst happen. So, fighting the shame and failure issues…I’m a mother, I should not be thinking this way. ‘Should’ that word I am not supposed to use.

Lots of realisations as well recently, deeper processing, memories I cannot stop coming into my head, trying to process emotions I felt in the past, more pain, more trauma resurfacing…

And no counsellor.

Things are swimming around in my head I can’t cope with, trauma bonding, transference, I am alone, no-one understands me – why should they, no-one has to care – why should they, everyone leaves you in the end, was my mother a sociopath not a narc, more memories, am I never going to heal….all things I cannot deal with…

And no counsellor.

So, I suppress, avoid, distract, dissociate, isolate, because I can’t cope and I know that, I am honest with myself.

And being how I was last month, frightens me more than I can express.

And no counsellor.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “No counsellor…

  1. This happened to me a few years ago, when my therapist very suddenly had to stop working. It was nearly the end of me. I’m glad you’re taking it very seriously. Take care!

    • Thank you for your message, I really appreciate it, as it does validate how serious not having a counsellor can be.

      I’m so sorry you went through that too. It is a very distressing and fear inducing situation.

      Not having support, at a crucial time, is not good. Creates anxiety and pain in my chest, thinking about it.

      Thank you again ❤

  2. There is a group that I am currently on online for support. this is the site. I was sexually abused and other abuses in a foster family. I found this site to be so supportive when I was not in counseling. http://www.dailystrength.org. There are many kinds of support groups on this site. Hope this helps.

  3. Reading your posts gives me goosebumps and turns my hands and feet into ice – it’s truly like reading my own words.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through what was done to you in the past, and that you’re now having to go through the process of…well, processing it.

    I know it may seem unimaginable now, but it’s going to be ok. Part of me hates to say that to you, because when anybody said that to me before I just wanted to scream at them “HOW???”

    You’re alive, my dear. Don’t forget to breathe. You belong in this world, and even if you can’t feel it right now, people care so very much.