Mother Teresa words I try to live by – I know my heart & my intentions.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I have had a lifetime of people questioning my heart, my intentions.

I have also had a few comments from people who are honest people, that I hold on to and treasure.

I am not a perfect person at all, I fully know and accept I have a lot more to learn, more healing to do, I know I feel fear more than I want to and I will never stop healing and learning, until the day I die.

I don’t have all the wisdom in the world, but I do have some, and I know I see more about society and humanity, than your average person.

People with passion & drive for something other than greed & power…a shock for society.

It’s a sad fact, that in this apathetic, egocentric, selfish society in which I reside – anyone who wants to make a difference, change things to help others in need, in a positive way – is deemed to be a problem, or is judged wrongly as wanting to do for self motivated reasons.

Why? Not because what that motivated person is doing, is wrong – but because it highlights the lack of empathy, lack of selfless actions, and apathy and selfishness, of everyone else. Because people like this cannot understand what it feels like – to want to help others in a truly unselfish way. They don’t ‘get that’ – because they don’t have that capacity within themselves.

I have different sources of information established to raise awareness of PTSD, Complex PTSD and yet no-one I know was willing to support that as something good. It’s unpaid – why would I do that? They think.

No-one I know is supportive of what I do to help others – and yet they are quick to talk about themselves. I intend to volunteer in the future to help street kids living in poverty and suffering, no-one cares about that either. I want to volunteer worth Bravehearts to help make a difference to protect children more, from sexual abuse – no-one cares about that. But if I talk about something I have bought, clothes, or something else shallow – people are interested. So sad.

People love to go to the movies and watch ‘super-hero’s’ in action, watch movies where some always does something spectacular to ‘save the day’, People love movies where ‘good fights bad’.

And yet in real life – if someone wants to do that – they are deemed an issue, a problem, are looked at with suspicion and called names like a zealot.

And if there is one thing our increasingly selfish, egocentric, narcissistic society hates more than anything – is the truth, and the mostly truth about self.

Society promotes ‘live for yourself’. And of course, that suits most people.

Having passion and drive for good causes – rather than money – is seen as an issue. Boring. Annoying.

Having passion to work hard to make lots of money – that’s okay. Our materialistic society applauds that.

But having passion to help others in need – that’s not okay.

When Christians, are actually institutional atheists….

This is so true of so many of these people, who claim to be Christians, appearing at the Royal Commission, who have been exposed of the abusive, harmful, re-traumatizing behaviours, and absolutely NON CHRIST like attitudes, of far too many within Christianity, who clearly do not believe God exists – because they could not treat abuse victims the way they have/do, if they did.

And this goes on throughout Christianity.

This is very interesting reading.

http://www.abc.net.au/religion/articles/2014/03/28/3973715.htm

Spiritual abuse from Christians….IS painful abuse.

Many Christians fail miserably at dealing with abuse – both the victims, and the abusers.

They often have more ‘compassion’ for the abusers, than they do for the victims.

Victims are told to ‘forgive’ and ‘get over it’ – or you are a bad Christian and ‘God won’t forgive you’.

And abusers are enabled and protected. In masses. All throughout all the denominations.

Sick. Evil. Abuse. Condoned, Enabled. Continually.

And all in the name of God.

The Royal Commission – I rest my case.

And what is exposed there is a FRACTION of the sexual, physical, mental, psychological, emotional, financial, spiritual abuse being condoned every day in thousands of churches’, all round the world.

And many Christians think the Royal Commission is terrible – exposing Christians that way. I’ve heard several say it. Heard someone say the victims just ‘haven’t forgiven’ and therefore the blame is theirs.

Says it all really. Evil. Sick.

And all in the name of God.

Severe trauma, on a brain neuroscience proves, is growing until 20’s.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110922134617.htm

I had abuse, prolonged continual severe abuse – mental, psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, neglect, from birth, all the way through until I was 20.

Neuroscience, is proving the human brain continues developing, until well into our 20’s.

So, the abuse I had as a child, from birth from my sociopathic mother and step father, the prolonged abuse I had from the paedophile, and the prolonged abuse I had in captivity from the psychopath, all affected my growing brain and the way I deal with my emotions, pain, suffering and now caused the severe complex PTSD.

When I consider this, it would not be normal, if I didn’t have severe issues with trust, abandonment fear, fear of getting hurt, maladaptive coping methods, anxiety, depression, and a general fear and distrust of human beings.

My poor brain and my body, heart and soul, has endured so much trauma.

Complex PTSD, means the past, is never in the past.

I hate this.

Decades of trying my hardest to ignore, suppress, and avoid all this.

Trying to get on with my life and put the past in the past. And I succeeded mostly. I had a career, supported myself, had children, was really strong.

And then in 2012, my brain couldn’t suppress all the trauma anymore, and it has been pouring out in memories, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, fear, anxiety, pain, suffering, tears, sobbing, increasing isolation, ever since.

Being strong and trying to do what society tells you to do ‘get over it’, ‘move on’, ‘put it in the past’ – made my health worse.

Now, as a result of not dealing with it for so long, I have a life threatening severe disorder, that I hate and did everything I could, to avoid.

And it is involuntary, even though I know so much about what I am dealing with.

Intellectual knowledge does not ‘cure’, ‘fix’, or ‘heal’ you of Complex PTSD.

It is an ongoing battle of trying to deal with so many memories, so much abuse, and so much pain, all of which can be triggered at any time and hit me down so fast, so low and so rapidly, that I am literally scared for my life.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My husband will force me to go see my doctor tomorrow.

I need to go. I don’t want to go.

I have to go. But I don’t feel safe to go. Not anymore.

Trust is a massive issue for me, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. No matter how much I tell myself that is irrational. And I know it is. But, I feel what I feel and I’m not denying it anymore.

So he’s coming with me. Driving me there. To make sure I go. Make sure, I get home. He’s worried about me, I know. I don’t want him to worry about me.

Self pity – society says it’s bad – but it isn’t. It’s needed in the Complex PTSD journey.

Pete Walker says….

I am often saddened when I hear adult children parrot the “conventional wisdom” that it is bad to feel sorry for yourself. This so-called wisdom shames people out of normal, healthy, self-pity. Everyone needs to occasionally feel sorry for themselves. Tears for the self are some of the most potently healing experiences of recovery. Self-pity, in balance and moderation, is extremely healing. Recovery, in fact, is often very limited until there are profound experiences of feeling sorry for the self.

Self-pity in balanced moderation is the miraculously releasing gift of “self-sorrowing”. Self-sorrowing is one of the most beautiful and restorative of emotional experiences. There is nothing in the world more centering than a good unabashed cry about one’s troubles. Nothing dissolves the awful abandonment pain of the inner child like a good cry for the self. This is especially true when the adult child imagines himself back in the past tenderly comforting his crying inner child.

Self-pity is only dysfunctional when it is excessive. This is sometimes seen in people who spend extreme amounts of time feeling sorry for themselves. Although long periods of self-pity can be healthy in some phases of recovery, it is possible to get stuck in and addicted to self-pity. This is sometimes the case with the long term recoveree who does nothing effective to recover the losses of her childhood. She may become so disempoweringly lost in self-pity that she never acts to change abusive or neglectful situations. This kind of excessive self-pity usually looks so dysfunctional that it may even alienate others from healthy and moderate self-pity in an all-or-none kind of way. Self-pity, however, is not a black and white issue. We do not need to throw out the baby of self-compassion with the bathwater of excessive self-pity.

Crying for the self is especially therapeutic when old pain resurfaces from unresolved childhood traumas. The average dysfunctional family leaves its survivors with lifelong tendencies to flashback on some occasions into shame, fear and emptiness. Unashamed crying can often resolve and work through the pain of such experiences.

It is a sad statement about our culture that we have no positive term for the healthy side of self-pity. We are praised as compassionate when we feel sorry for others, but there is no corresponding term for feeling sorry for ourselves! Little wonder we are so codependent. Society’s taboo against self-pity offers us no choice but to limit our compassion to caring only about the pain of others.

We need to resist those who toxically shame us for being on the “pity pot” whenever we express normal sadness about our painful life experiences. This is true whether they are past or present. Our recovery can only be aided by the rejection of this pervasive social indoctrination against self-pity. We must refuse to accept the nonsense that it is good to feel sorry for others, but not for ourselves. We must strive to reclaim for ourselves the potent healing tool of sometimes feeling sorry (sorrow) for ourselves.

Unfortunately, the right and need to feel sorrow for ourselves can be very difficult to recover. Most of us have been thoroughly brainwashed against self-compassion by our parents and the wider society. Many of us also had this shaming of self-compassion reinforced by the religion that we were raised in. Consequently, many survivors have come to believe that self-pity is some awful sin, rather than the precious gift that it is. Some adult children may be helped to reclaim their self-compassion by remembering that even Jesus felt sorry for himself. He modeled the positive side of self-pity when he wept in the Garden and on the Cross.

I think about suicide, far more than I have ever admitted.

Suicide ideation, is part of Complex PTSD.

I think about it, far more than I admit.

It’s a painful place to live.