I hate this.
Decades of trying my hardest to ignore, suppress, and avoid all this.
Trying to get on with my life and put the past in the past. And I succeeded mostly. I had a career, supported myself, had children, was really strong.
And then in 2012, my brain couldn’t suppress all the trauma anymore, and it has been pouring out in memories, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, fear, anxiety, pain, suffering, tears, sobbing, increasing isolation, ever since.
Being strong and trying to do what society tells you to do ‘get over it’, ‘move on’, ‘put it in the past’ – made my health worse.
Now, as a result of not dealing with it for so long, I have a life threatening severe disorder, that I hate and did everything I could, to avoid.
And it is involuntary, even though I know so much about what I am dealing with.
Intellectual knowledge does not ‘cure’, ‘fix’, or ‘heal’ you of Complex PTSD.
It is an ongoing battle of trying to deal with so many memories, so much abuse, and so much pain, all of which can be triggered at any time and hit me down so fast, so low and so rapidly, that I am literally scared for my life.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.