I need to go. I don’t want to go.
I have to go. But I don’t feel safe to go. Not anymore.
Trust is a massive issue for me, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. No matter how much I tell myself that is irrational. And I know it is. But, I feel what I feel and I’m not denying it anymore.
So he’s coming with me. Driving me there. To make sure I go. Make sure, I get home. He’s worried about me, I know. I don’t want him to worry about me.
But, really what’s it going to do anyway? I’ll just sit and cry, not say what I need to say. I can barely speak to my husband, let alone anyone else.
I’m scared I will hear more that will trigger my fears, my abandonment crap, my hurt. It’s easier to just detach, avoid, suppress, dissociate.
No-one can help me, I have to help myself.
Which as I no longer have a counsellor….I’m too tired to put words to how painful that feels right now.
I am too tired. In too much pain.