Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Appointment with my doctor went well.

1 Comment

Had my appt I was dreading with my doctor. My anxiety was pretty ‘up there’.

But, it went really well and we talked for two hours about some of what has been swimming around in my head and why I have been suicidal within the last 2 months.

I thanked her for emailing me while she was away, when I know she didn’t need to and she said it was because ‘you matter.’ Hearing those words, were huge, after a lifetime of not mattering to so many people and not mattering even to my friends and people around me and being ignored while feeling that low. They are powerful words ‘you matter’ and words I say to people on my community page.

She knows I am struggling and now losing my counsellor is bad timing and she said she can see me more while we get through this difficult time. So that was a huge relief.

We talked about apathy and empathy and she agreed with my observations about this and I said I am struggling to cope with all I am processing and she can help me with that.

One thing she said which I didn’t expect – was that my capacity & discernment to spot and detect narc/sociopath/psychopath/apath/egocentric behaviours/traits in people is greater than hers.

Despite having some differences of opinions about things (which is okay), she is a highly experienced, highly trained, very wise, Christian doctor/counsellor, so for her to say that, was firstly a surprise and secondly, made me realise just how deep this discernment of mine is and thirdly that I do assume things about people as a protection method.

If I always assume everyone is going to think that I am ‘less’ than them in some way – they can’t hurt me too deeply when they say that to me. Because so many people have abused me and put me down in the past, said who I am, is not okay and not worth anything and that my ‘different’ views, make me the weird one.

My issue – which I fully admit – is dealing with apathetic, egocentric, narc etc people, emotionally.

I also explained that I know fully that when I am triggered and highly emotional about something – I become very egocentric and ‘all about me’ – as most people do when their ego has been attacked. But, the good part is – at least I ‘know’ this and can rationalise this fairly quickly and don’t make excuses for it, whereas, I can see that many people don’t know it is their ego that has been hurt and don’t realise they are acting inappropriately and in a self centred manner. And I don’t act this way all the time. Whereas, so many do.

My self insight, is well developed and I do consider that and my insight into others, to be a gift.

Talked about my increasing boundaries and how sometimes I need to do things – withdraw, isolate etc – which is a life preserving need and considering what I have been through, is positive and is okay. And how I need to find friends and people who care, caring, compassionate and have empathy and where – volunteering, charities etc.

Talked about so much more, including how I know I need to toughen up, and I know I will be processing all we discussed for days – I always do, but it was positive and for that I am deeply thankful, because not having support, is a very scary place for me, atm.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “Appointment with my doctor went well.

  1. So happy it went well for you!