I am DONE with these enabling christian apath attitudes.

Sociopath/narcissist/psychopath apath minions are everywhere. I see that.

I am done hearing christians talk about how people who cause harm to others, have their good side and insinuating that if I don’t focus on that – then I am in the wrong. What that is – is minimization/avoidance of the harm they are causing to others and forcing Christian apath views onto a victim, to shame the victim, and apathy about evil and avoiding the truth.

It may be easy for some, to view people that can badly hurt others, in only a good light, and think that is the Christian way – but to me that is wrong.

And then point out that I – as a survivor of so much severe abuse – including abuse from ‘christians’, am failing, because I am back to where I was at the start of my counselling. Wow.

It’s the Christian way, apparently – tell the victim they are in the wrong if they don’t get over it quick enough. The are failing, they should feel shameful, they are the ‘bad’ ones. And lets be nice to the abusers. I’ve seen it going on, far too much, including within Christianity.

It’s why so much abuse goes on in Christianity – this avoidance, apathy, look the other way, focus on the good, not make people accountable for their actions, ‘blame the victim’ mentality, shame the victim, that I can no longer deal with.

It’s why there are several Baptist ministers in my area (and this goes on everywhere), who were all guilty of abusing people, were not sacked by the hierarchy, despite that being their own lawyers advice. Evil prevailed.

It’s why so many sex offender/paedophile ministers are protected and enabled. Evil prevails.

I’m not going to any counselling anymore.

I can’t expect anyone to understand me, or know me, so I cannot expect anyone to be able to help me.

I can’t expect people to be, who I need them to be. And deal with the pain, when they are not.

I accept, I have been hurt by so many people, I am done.

I accept I have been hurt too much, for too long, by too many, too deeply.

I cannot get hurt anymore.

Intentionally, or unintentionally.

It’s not about blame, or if anyone has or hasn’t done anything wrong.

It’s because, the cost is too high.

“So you are back to where you were at the beginning of therapy” Yep – I’ve failed.

When I struggled to explain how bad things are for me at the moment, in counselling, this is what was said in response. It upset me as it was said, and has bothered me since.

I don’t really know what I am supposed to think about this, other than assume, it is a comment to show, how far I have fallen and I am failing in my healing, to be back to where I was.

Yep, I am a big fat failure.

I guess I had a time frame to heal, to show I am strong, and anything outside of that, is assumed to be I am choosing to not heal, ‘choosing’ to hold on to my trauma. The whole ‘curse, rehearse, nurse’.

I guess my continual nightmares are all deliberate and a choice too.

I’m just not good enough. Not strong enough. Not worthy of being considered as anything now other than a failure, to be pitied.

No-one wants to heal, more than I do, and I have NEVER played the victim, my husband knows that. He knew me for 12 years before my breakdown in 2012. He knows how strong I was, how I never talked about my past, how hard I worked, my attitude to life.

I am already struggling myself, to know how badly I have been doing this last few months and dealing with the shame of that and already feeling a failure.

I don’t really need anything being said that makes that worse.

It’s really hurtful and really invalidating.

Easy to preach ‘everyone has equal worth’ from a place of ease & comfort & not severely abused.

I have been abused by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and a paedophile. Yes I am using labels, but I know what they are/were, I endured severe abuse from them all, for prolonged periods of time.

Many Christians want us to believe that everyone is equal, as in worth, regardless of what that person has done.

My doctor said to me the other day “you matter”. That felt good to hear, at the time, until I realised, she no doubt says that to sex offenders and paedophiles too. Which kind of made me feel sick to think about. Because I have to trust her and people who treat paedophiles, child rapists and sex offenders the same as anyone else, believe they should be welcomed into churches, treated like any other person in society, feels very unsafe to me.

And she also said that I would be able to detect all these abusive personality traits in these people, because I have endured them, more than she could – that clearly means, she hasn’t endured abuse from them. And I’m glad, because I wouldn’t wish what I have endured on anyone.

I have come to accept that people who do not know severe abuse, from these highly abusive people, don’t know what they are capable of, they haven’t seen into their eyes as they carry out these evils acts of severe harm. They haven’t felt the pain and suffering of the abuse they make you endure.

Yes, I am sure that in a church or counselling situation, these psychopaths etc can charm the pants off anyone, they are very deceptive and clever and can fake empathy and remorse, if it suits them. They are highly manipulative and can adapt to any situation and will love the attention given them in counselling.

People who have evil needs, also want to believe – so does God.

“Satan cannot do anything without God’s permission, and God will suggest people for Satan to harm.”

This was what I heard at the Baptist church I attended, where I was abused. Directly from the associate ministers & his wife’s mouths.

This is the kind of ungodly views they have.

God, is pure perfect love. Would love do this?

There is no Biblical evidence to support this and regardless of who may try to twist some odd verse into this being true – I do not believe this, at all.

Firstly, Satan was supposed to consider himself above God and hated God, so why would he be seeking God’s permission?

Secondly, to believe this crap, would mean that God is evil and uses Satan as one of his minions.

Thirdly, it does say that currently Satan has dominion, but when Jesus returns, He will resume dominion, and put all right, and all those with Jesus, will live in the perfect Kingdom of God for eternity.

The God I know, The Jesus who I have a relationship with, would never use Satan to hurt people.

I am never going to get over my childhood and my mother’s abuse.

Ooops, I just used the ‘never’ word. I’m not supposed to use that. Cognitive distortion….

But, I know, I am not going to get over it. How can you ‘get over’ something that every person needs, and yet never had and instead went through so much abuse. Especially when you love and want to be loved as deeply as someone like me.

It doesn’t matter how much I tell myself that they had serious mental health issues. And I do feel sorry for them and wish they hadn’t, for them – I wish their lives were/had been different, better, happier, full of love.

But, the fact is, it doesn’t matter whether they knew it was abuse, or anything to do with them – it is about the damage they caused me, and that isn’t fixed by understanding them, having compassion for them, or forgiving them.

The damage they did, still remains. The deep sense of pain, hurt, rejection and abandonment, hurts so deeply and continues to, and in fact is getting worse, not better.

I am dreaming about my mother, often. I am dreaming about other things related to ‘mother figures’ that I am too embarrassed to write about, due to who may read it. And the fact that I am dreaming about people, shows to me how much pain and damage this is still causing me, because I cannot control my dreams and nightmares. I cried telling my husband earlier and he said it wasn’t embarrassing, but it is. I am 42 years old.