Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Songs I would like played at my funeral, if I die of suicide.

I have had a conversation with my husband about my funeral, if the worst happens.

I have accepted that I can feel so low, that I want to die. I pray I never will end my life, for my children’s sake. But, I am aware, I cannot guarantee this.

I am a realist. And I have suicide ideation. I think about dying and the relief from suffering.

And I am honest.

These are songs I want played all have significant meaning to me.

This song I have huge emotional attachment to. This version, not the Chris Tomlin version. God loves me and knows my pain, even when no-one else does. He knows I love Him.

This song is special and is one of a few songs that expresses my suicidal thoughts, connected with my past. And if I were to ever die by suicide, it would probably be in my car, as it’s how I think about dying.

Continue reading


Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate you. I really do.

C-PTSD – What it Feels Like:

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved – or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be “good enough” for others.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go “out the window” and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.

C-PTSD Characteristics

How it can manifest in the victim(s) over time:

Rage turned inward: Eating disorders. Depression. Substance Abuse / Alcoholism. Truancy. Dropping out. Promiscuity. Co-dependence. Doormat syndrome (choosing poor partners, trying to please someone who can never be pleased, trying to resolve the primal relationship)

Rage turned outward: Theft. Destruction of property. Violence. Becoming a control freak.

Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners) Seeks positions of power and / or control: choosing occupations or recreational outlets which may put oneself in physical danger. Or choosing to become a “fixer” – Therapist, Mediator, etc.

Avoidance – Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure. Continue reading

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The last day on earth, I dream of.

Suicide ideation, is a very real part of Complex PTSD, after severe, prolonged, multiple, complex trauma.

I had it when I was teenager, as an adolescent.

I attempted to end my life twice as a teenager.

The suicide ideation was severe in captivity.

Then it stopped for 20 years.

Then it came back and has progressively worsened, over the last 2 years.


I wonder what it feels like, to have a normal life….?

I don’t have a pre-trauma me.

So I don’t know what it is like to not be a severe complex trauma survivor.

But, I have wondered many times, what it feels like, to live a life like most around me.

I know most people have some minor stuff in their lives….so …

I’ll keep a list of things I have endured, that I consider normal/average…

Abandonment by birth father.
Maybe a few months of the child abuse from paedophile. (rather than years).
Bad relationship with one sister.
Mildly difficult relationship with stepfather.
Divorce from alcoholic gambling addict.
Childhood and workplace bullying.
Attack at knife point in park.
A few men getting too rough, on one night stands.
Maybe some mild depression and mild anxiety.

If they were all I had as the bad stuff in my life, I would be so happy. I would be so relieved.

The trauma I have endured – I have taken off the list is…

Sociopath very abusive mother and step father.
Abuse from birth.
Step father being perv within a circle of abuser friends.
Being turned into a child sexual abuse victim, by mother and step father.
Covert incest. Continue reading

Focus on the good….the bad is just too painful, and too overwhelming.

Good – Jesus, my faith, my children, my husband, their health, I’m breathing, empathy, compassion, good & caring people, I have a home, food, water, clothing, my husbands job, public education, public health, Centrelink, I’m safe, coffee, laptop & chocolate 🙂

I wonder if Jesus would say “we don’t have the infrastructure, to help those in need”…

Having had a recent politically based discussion with a right wing political supporter, this was the response for why the country I reside in, should not be taking in asylum seekers.

Australian numbers for how many people fleeing war, terror, asylum seekers etc they support – is pathetically low. Australia, is also clearly a pretty racist country.

Where I live, our current Government LNP, believe in ‘turn back the boats’. Asylum seekers are treated badly, children are forced to be parted from their parents, they believe in ‘a class divide system’, want to bring back ‘crowning’ the elite and rich with knighthoods & dames, want to erode the public health system, erode the public education system, the PM supports enabling paedophile priests…

Oh, and the PM – Tony Abbott – is a ‘Christian’ – or so he claims. He’s also an obvious narcissist.

Are these Christian views – what this political party believe in.

If I recall, Jesus helped the poor, needy, sick, oppressed, abused….

Dis Jesus preach about having a ‘class system’.

Ummmm….no He did not.

There is no class system, in God’s family.

I think the middle classes have real issues with this. They don’t want their privileged positions, above the poor lowly working classes, upset in any way.

To bring in more ‘poor’ people, might make the country less wealthy – which might affect them too – and they do not want that.

They could pay more tax to help fund helping more poor people – but NO WAY will they do that.

They ‘need’ their $400,000, $500,000 + incomes. “We pay enough tax already” – they will shout. They ‘need’ to maintain their positions in society, in their snobby, elitist minds and worlds. Their $mil posh houses, in the ‘good’ areas, their cars, their children all attending posh private schools, their lavish entertaining, their status, their ego’s, their own selfish needs. Oh so Christian, I think not. Continue reading

Forgiveness & compassion for abusers, does not heal the damage done in childhood.


I believe in forgiveness and I do not have hate for my abusers. I don’t want retribution, I don’t want an apology and I don’t need anything from them.

If they were to want to be honest, admit what they have done, seek my forgiveness, as part of ‘their’ repentance – I would agree to that, to help them in their repentance. I want them to have repentance.

I accept my abusers are incapable of being anything other than what they are. I accept their mental health, renders them incapable of empathy, remorse, moral judgment, love.

I wish their lives had been different for them, because the life and mind of being an abusive person, is horrible. I wish their lives could have been different for them. As well as for all they have hurt.

I have prayed for them. I have compassion for whatever it is that caused them to be who they are and do what they have done.

I have forgiven them, in the true sense of what is required as a Christian, for forgiveness for those who have harmed you.

But, the damage they have caused – is still there. I still have severe PTSD, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, trust issues, and so much pain inside me from the damage they all collectively caused.

Forgiveness, genuinely wishing their lives were better for them, not wanting retribution, not having any bitterness, not hating them, feeling compassion for them….

Has not healed me.

The damage is not healed, by forgiveness.

The damage and the memories, are still there and still replaying in my head, due to severe PTSD, along with the pain felt that I keep re-experiencing, in an involuntary way.

I do not want, or choose to have PTSD.

Forgiveness, does not heal PTSD.