Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


A list of people I trust – I gotta laugh!


I saw this on FB, and it made me smile.

Whilst my trust issues, are not really something funny – it is good to sometimes see some humour, in just how messed up my life has been.

I believe having some humour at myself is good, when it is possible.

I am able to laugh at myself, when I am not highly emotional.

And I think, it is good to have this capacity to see some humour.


Why do some child sex abuse survivors – end up “slut’s” ?

I have been called this in the past – many times. And many other terms like this.

When you have been sexualised as a child, this changes you.

I had my innocence stolen from me – well I’m not even sure when. I grew up surrounded by people, who sexualised me, enabled me to be sexually abused as a child. I was full on sexually abused from the age of around 8, for several years. I knew the difference between hard core and soft core porn, at around 10.

My step father had a circle of child abusing friends. I grew up knowing that his behaviours were unsafe and feeling danger around me, from as far back as I ever remember.

I grew into teenage years, believing the way to get attention, was sexually. I was a teenage Lolita, I flirted in that coy teenager flirty way, that sexually abused girls, can.

I was desperate for attention, learned no concept of healthy boundaries, or what was appropriate and what wasn’t.

I got abused more and even more horrendously, by a predator sadistic psychopath as an adolescent, until the age of 20.

By then – I had not known any healthy, appropriate males in my life.

I went on to cope with life and seek validation and attention, from far too many men, some of which were rough, which I didn’t like, but compared to what I had already endured, it seemed like nothing and I assumed it was normal.
Continue reading


Over 100,000 hits to my blog…wow!

It’s amazing to think that I never spoke about my past, until 2 years ago.

Then everything started spilling out, like a dam breaking and gushing, that cannot be stopped.

I started blogging here, just less than a year ago and poured my heart and soul out into this blog.

Writing is huge way of dealing with my journey, my past, my fears, my pain, my strength, my courage, my thoughts, my processing, my life. It’s like an open diary of my life and it takes guts to do this in an open, public forum, rather than deal with it behind closed doors.

I have also wanted to share my journey, so others know they are not alone. Someone else understands, in a world with such little empathy and where so few really understand this journey of trying to heal from severe complex trauma.

Praise God for the internet, and this blog, and my FB page, they truly have been a massive need for me and I know they are for many others too.

It still continues to amaze me how many read this blog, because it isn’t about nice stuff. It is about horrible, yucky, disgusting, vile aspects of some people’s lives.

Abuse is not an attractive and comfortable thing to talk about.

But, obviously there is a need, when I see the traffic through this blog and so many other blogs of amazing survivors of abuse.


Labelling people’s behaviour, yes it can be healthy and unhealthy. It depends on the reason.

Society has a big issue with labelling and it can be very harmful. I don’t want to be called someone who is Complex PTSD, I am a human being, who has Complex PTSD.

For 40 years, I knew many people in my life had caused me harm, but had no way of putting into perspective what they did, why, what it meant in relation to how I view them and what it meant to how they thought about me.

Coming to terms that none of these people loved me, because they were incapable, and they made choices, to intentionally harm me, has been one of the most painful aspects of my healing. Because I loved nearly all of them. Some, I still love.

I believe part of healing, is to know about the people who caused harm. Many reasons, including to understand the abuse was never the victims fault and the shame, blame and guilt lies with the person who caused the harm. I have learned a lot, I am still learning, about personality disorders, traits, harmful behaviours, mental health and why people do what they do.

I do label people’s behaviours – people I know who have narcissism, sociopathic, psychopathic, paedophilia – why – because they are personality disorders/mental health disorders, that are pervasive over time – including lack of empathy or capacity to switch off empathy and lack of remorse, capacity to harm and already have, that will mostly, always be there.

I do fully see that amongst the harm these people cause – there will be times they are not harming people. They are not causing harm 24/7, 365 days per week. Continue reading

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Life, is now too fast, too superficial, too minimizing & a post to my page, highlighting this.

This was a post to my page…

I’m not really sure why we have gone micro on everything in social media and in life. Why have we settled for platitudes when a genuine comment would be better? Why do we have to tie it all up in 140 characters and hope it says it all?

I just read a blog by a woman who talks about Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd and the in the post I read, she talks about being a Realist about her PTSD/CPTSD and how it is likely to be something she deals with for the rest of her life, and she talks about how God is with her in all this….

And what gets me about that, is that it’s not 140 characters of text. It’s more. Like her, like what she is gone through and what she is doing to heal, or thrive, or survive, it all takes more than a moment to talk about.

So…what is it? What is it really? Why do we really want things in tight little frames that move like they’re on an endless carousel? Does it make it easy for us, easier?

Is it really that important to live on fast forward, full well knowing we are skipping all the details that tell us what the story is about, tell us who our friends are….?

I don’t know….I think, I was just thinking about all this, because it was nice to read the post, I felt what she was talking about…I see it in the mirror when I look up, and could she really convey all that in a micro text? Can I? I feel inherently unhappy with all this in social media.

What is wrong with us? What have we done? What are we doing? Can we be better? I want things to be better. I want to be better. But sometimes, all I can do is say “LIKE”….am I too, a victim of the social media revolution toward the superficial, minimal, inconsequential?

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Robert Hughes found guilty of 9 out of 11 child sex abuse crimes. How many more are there?


“He spends a lot of time between the UK and Singapore — he travels between them quite regularly,’’ an officer said. “It wasn’t overly difficult to locate him.”

Not hard to see why he spent a lot of time in Singapore. Plenty of underage girls there for predatory paedophiles/psychopaths, to abuse.

When the ACA TV program found him in Singapore when this story blew up, he had an underage local girl in the car with him. I knew then and his reaction to the news – he was guilty.

I am thankful the courage of the Hey Dad star who was abused by him, to come forward and then this investigation enable other victims to speak up and lead to this man being stopped.

I am quite sure, he won’t receive the prison sentence he actually deserves, but at least everyone knows, he is a predatory child sex abuser.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to abusers – especially in this apathetic, victim blaming, trauma minimizing society, we live in, where child abuse survivors, receive so little support.


Christians, need to be educated – forgiveness, mercy, compassion are needed, but do NOT ‘heal’ the damage of complex trauma/abuse.

I am aware of so many Christian have views, that truly are so limited and lack understanding and insight.

And I know this mostly isn’t intentional, they just haven’t had the life experiences, that are required to understand, and make their judgments and opinions based on that. And Christians can feel it is their duty to hash out Bible verses and limited Christian beliefs, as ‘advice’, like we all can.

I have seen opinions like ‘when you forgive, you will be healed’. This is wrong.

But this is something I really believe Christians should know – because the harm, hurt and re-traumatising their wrong opinions and views cause – needs to be raised.

I have suffered severe abuse, from many people, over long periods of time throughout my childhood and in adulthood. My abusers have been people with high levels traits of narcissism, sociopath, psychopathy, paedophilia, all severe mental health issues.

I have deep understanding of their mental health, their incapacities, I have compassion for whatever caused them to be the way they are; genetics, environment, upbringing, mental health disorders, any abuse they suffered etc. I don’t want that for ‘them’. I think it is truly sad and I truly have compassion for them – despite all the deep harm they have caused me and others.

I have forgiveness, mercy, compassion and really want them to all be healed of their issues, have real repentance – for their sake and have talked with Jesus about how I know He will have compassion for them too and that I do not want them to have eternal separation from God. I want them to have eternal life with God.

I have grace for them.

But………..none of this has ‘fixed’, ‘healed’ my Complex PTSD.

I still have nightmares, anxiety, fear of trust, deep emotions, suicide ideation, and all the other significant damage symptoms caused by all the abuse.

Another blogger helped me put this in perspective – Cynthia I love you ❤ Continue reading