Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Mary of Bethany – much to learn about woman roles…

I gained much from this book.

It is geared towards intelligent women with brains, who are spiritually mature and have the capacity to realise, that women do indeed have an equal role within marriages, churches and life.

It challenges many Christians views on submission and women not having a place in church decisions and ministry.

But, it is Jesus’ Word. So He is right.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I read an amazing book, recommended by my Christian doctor and it blew me away –

When Life and Beliefs Collide – Carolyn Custis James

What I learned about Mary of Bethany;

This all blows much wrong belief about ‘women’s roles in Church, marriage, etc, out of the water.

Women in church’s often believe their only role is Martha, but actually Mary was encouraged, to not be a ‘Martha’.

– Mary was encouraged by Jesus, to learn theology, at His feet, daily.

– Mary understood Jesus’ mission, more than the male disciples, who didn’t ‘get it’ until much later.

– Jesus wants everyone – men and women to learn theology.

– Mary due to her learning was the first NT theologian

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Poem – “You will always give, more than ever receive”

My counsellor told me a fair while ago, that I will always be someone who can give far more to others to help them, than I will receive back. Because my empathy levels and insight into other people’s problems and needs, are greater than average capacity. I am normally okay with this – it’s been this way my whole life, but sometimes, it can really pull you down and hurt you deeply. And makes you feel, very alone.

“You will always give, more than ever receive”

A life of giving
Rarely receiving
People take and take
See my empath heart
Tell me their problems
But, want mine kept hidden

The story of my life
It’s how it’s always been
I help and love
Anyone I can
And rarely receive
What I need in return

They make excuses
To ignore my pain
They lie and justify
To ease their lives
No empathy to know
Deep hurt in my heart

As long as their own
Easy comfortable lives
Are kept as such
With their own lies
Within their easy denial Continue reading


I know I need to start socialising again and have some new rules for myself.

I know I need to start getting out of the house. Having contact with people in the real world.

This scares the crap outta me, to be quite frank. But, I cannot stay agoraphobic forever.

But, after recent events in the last few months, events over the last few years and events throughout my entire life, I am at the point of deciding, I never intend to speak about any of my ‘stuff’ to anyone again, apart from my husband and my counsellors.

Not because I shouldn’t be open and honest about it – but because the reactions of others, is so hurtful, that I can’t cope with it.

Having been ignored by further people, after reaching out and telling them I was so low, and then hearing their excuses that were totally self interested, means I am at an all time low on trust and ever wanting to trust. Anyone.
Continue reading


Watching Sarah Monehan get teary over her mother’s neglect & abandoning her, made me cry .


Sarah Monehan, is a courageous hero – who stood up to the child sex abuser, that not only abused her, but many others. She is amazing. She is someone I consider to have integrity, strength and a capacity to do what is needed no matter how much is hurts, in the process. Robert Hughes is now known to be a child sex offender and people know the truth and this will hopefully reduce the sexual abuse to children.

I believe fully in appropriate consequences, to actions that are chosen to be committed and these 10 crimes are only the ones he has been found to have committed, there will be more. Probably many more. This a reality of thow these predatory paedophiles operate.

I watched A Current Affair, where she bravely spoke about Robert Hughes and about the court case. Sarah became emotional when she spoke of her mother abandoning her, because Sarah decided to go public. Her mother apparently was ‘very upset’.

This reaction from her mother, is all about her mother’s own needs. To stop speaking to her own daughter who decided to courageously do the right thing, which did lead to this man being found guilty of 10 child sexual abuse crimes, that other adults knew were occurring, is so wrong. There could be many reasons, but none will justify refusing to stand by your daughter about child sexual abuse. It also seems that her mother may have known what was occurring when she was a child. I know how that feels too. Continue reading

“Relationship, not religion” – so how come so many ‘rules’ then….

Christians who preach about ‘relationship, not religion’ – but then become obsessed with all the rules, and doctrine and unspoken rules, simply baffle me.

How can they have all these hard rules, that are often only due to selective Bible verse abuse, and then demand this of everyone, belittle those who don’t follow like a blind sheep, and don’t let you in their inner circle club, unless you are prepared to ‘submit’.

All this is not relationship……it’s religion.

But, they are such hypocrites and can’t even see it.

Stage 3 Christians and narcissistic people, use the Bible to do what they want, manipulate people, abuse people and for many to just go along with the flow, like a mindless sheep and do as they are told – because it makes life easier, than to think for yourself.

Stage 3 being the immature level of faith, most Christians stay stuck at and many Church leaders want their flock to remain at, to control them more easily.


I have seen this all in action and all the while, people were preaching relationship, not religion.

When in fact they did not have relationship at all, and had bad religion. And sadly, most had no clue at all, totally denial, totally lack of insight. Continue reading


Need to get back into my faith studies. Study the Proverbs 31 woman.

I have not done much Bible study for the last 2 months, and that’s okay because I have just not been able to.

But, studying my faith, is important to me and I know it will be a lifelong journey of growth.

The Proverb 31 woman, is well known, and gets often talked about. And I have noticed – certain parts ignored, that don’t suit.

(The Baptist Church, I previously went to like to ignore the fact that the Proverbs 31 woman, had her own business and worked. Their limited, immature and sometimes abusive views, were that working women, were wrong. Unchristian. Looked down on. There was a very evident divide between the gang that worked and the gang that were SAHM’s. You had to stay home, raise your children and be in the kitchen, or the bedroom. The men worked and it was considered by them – to emasculate men, if their women worked. But, they have very right wing, abusive and wrong doctrine and beliefs in many things. And the men were narcs, insecure and needed their women to raise them up, to hide their lack.)

But, the Proverbs 31 woman did work. Did have her own business. Her own money. And she respected her husband, it is very possible – to do both. And secure men, will be okay with this.

I don’t want selective Bible verse abuse, as I have seen – I want to know all of God’s Word, is needed, not the parts I find fit with my earthly views/needs. Continue reading


I find watching celebrities, wear less and less sad. Like Beyonce.

I used to really like Beyoncé, and her music video’s. They were about being a strong woman, but she had morals, and integrity to modesty.

But, over time, this has reduced and now she is regularly semi-naked and sexually gyrating in video’s.

I see headlines, as I am searching online news, and saw this one today “Beyoncé poses topless”.

Now, I have been no prude in my life. My lifestyle in the past has been nothing to be proud of. Wearing next to nothing and clubbing, one night stands ‘girls gone wild’ style – were my part of my life. But, now I wish that had had a different lifestyle. I had no self worth and assumed this was about having self esteem and confidence.

But, I disrespected myself continually. Even in the way I dressed, let alone any of what I did. I degraded myself.

So, I am not judging. I just feel sad that Beyoncé feels the need to remove more and more clothing and become trashy and less mature as she gets older. She is beautiful, talented, amazing singer, dancer – she does not need to wear little and sexualise herself in this way. She says it’s about feminism and empowering women – I disagree, it’s degrading yourself. Continue reading