Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I know I need to start socialising again and have some new rules for myself.


I know I need to start getting out of the house. Having contact with people in the real world.

This scares the crap outta me, to be quite frank. But, I cannot stay agoraphobic forever.

But, after recent events in the last few months, events over the last few years and events throughout my entire life, I am at the point of deciding, I never intend to speak about any of my ‘stuff’ to anyone again, apart from my husband and my counsellors.

Not because I shouldn’t be open and honest about it – but because the reactions of others, is so hurtful, that I can’t cope with it.

Having been ignored by further people, after reaching out and telling them I was so low, and then hearing their excuses that were totally self interested, means I am at an all time low on trust and ever wanting to trust. Anyone.

It’s sad, that I cannot be me, talk about my problems, Especially when people are quick to want me to help them with theirs. But don’t want to help me with mine.

Although I do have one friend, who has been okay with this. And I am deeply thankful for her and her willingness to allow me, to be me and be kind and not ignore me. And funnily enough, she is not a Christian.

But, the hurt and pain caused by those who ignore me at my worst – especially being Christians, is overwhelmingly painful. And to know they justify it and are lying to themselves as well as to me, hurts too.

I do not want to talk about my problems and challenges with anyone, ever again. I tried – several times. Never again. Not when my situation can become life threatening. I have given up completely on ever trying to see Church as a home, or Christians as Church family.

How this will affect me with regard to how I relate to other people now, I don’t know. I think I could probably become distant, cool with people. Which won’t lead to good friendships, but I will be protected.

But, I will learn patience to deal with everyone’s normally far lessor problems and know I cannot receive any help back that I need. Even if I should be able to receive help back. And deserve that.

My counsellor said to me, that I will always be someone who can give far more to others, than I can receive. She was right and she was warning me.

No-one could ever say, I didn’t try. I did.

I could say – stuff you all – I don’t care about your problems, no-one ever cared about mine. Why should I help others, they don’t help me. But, I know I can’t be like that. Because I care about people and their problems, even when they don’t care about me. It’s how it’s always been, all my life.

And the really sad part is – everyone will be much happier if I don’t talk about my problems.

And they have no idea, how deeply that hurts me.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I know I need to start socialising again and have some new rules for myself.

  1. It’s OK, I understand. Step by step. I think some of my new “friends” were overwhelmed when I shared my story with them. I think this because I haven’t seen one of them since, and the other I work with, and she is very upbeat and friendly, but has backed off, stays separate, and I can’t understand why our friendship didn’t go anywhere. Others won’t understand our trauma. I have had to accept that too. I am still looking for someone I might have a close relationship to. I want it and am afraid of it at the same time. I don’t know if I can do it. I do go to a support group that has been tremendously helpful, not only in the education I am getting about what happened to me, but also because the other people DO understand and are willing to listen and share. And I was lucky to find one friend, different background and race, who had a suppressive marriage, who understands and is hanging in there with me. Keep going, I’ll believe for you.

  2. “But, the hurt and pain caused by those who ignore me at my worst – especially being Christians, is overwhelmingly painful. And to know they justify it and are lying to themselves as well as to me, hurts too.”
    I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I’ve been in this situation so many times that I came to accept that I gain more support from survivors and non Christians than I ever will from Christians.
    It shouldn’t be this way in Christianity. It’s been infected with judgment and indifference.
    Hugs to you.

    • It is really sad, that Christians can be the most judgmental and indifferent of all. You are right – it should not be that way, at all.

      Christians are meant to be non judgmental, caring, loving and accepting, but that has not been what I have seen, so far.

      You only have to see the way many feel ‘entitled’ to go on about gay people, to see how hateful they can be. Which really bothers me. It is the opposite of what Jesus modelled.

      • Yes it is. I don’t go to church anymore for that very reason. I left feeling worse than I did when I went.
        It is a breech of gigantic proportions. I cannot for the life of me how it ever got like this.
        Thank you for sharing with me.

  3. I think it got to this point, because of sin and evil occurring. And that is as much within Christianity and outside of it.

    Victims being further abused by Christians to me, feels like a bigger betrayal. But the ones who do this are really they are no different to anyone in society hurting others – they have messed up minds, serious mental health issues and little insight into their own issues. And some want to use God and the Bible to hurt people.

    Christianity and other religions can often be a magnet for abusive minded people – it gives the some kind of fake entitlement and justification, to abuse.

    The pain of spiritual abuse is very deep and very real and takes time to heal.

    They call spiritual abuse, spiritual rape. Because the abuse is that damaging.

    I know how it feels xox