I know I need to start getting out of the house. Having contact with people in the real world.
This scares the crap outta me, to be quite frank. But, I cannot stay agoraphobic forever.
But, after recent events in the last few months, events over the last few years and events throughout my entire life, I am at the point of deciding, I never intend to speak about any of my ‘stuff’ to anyone again, apart from my husband and my counsellors.
Not because I shouldn’t be open and honest about it – but because the reactions of others, is so hurtful, that I can’t cope with it.
Having been ignored by further people, after reaching out and telling them I was so low, and then hearing their excuses that were totally self interested, means I am at an all time low on trust and ever wanting to trust. Anyone.
It’s sad, that I cannot be me, talk about my problems, Especially when people are quick to want me to help them with theirs. But don’t want to help me with mine.
Although I do have one friend, who has been okay with this. And I am deeply thankful for her and her willingness to allow me, to be me and be kind and not ignore me. And funnily enough, she is not a Christian.
But, the hurt and pain caused by those who ignore me at my worst – especially being Christians, is overwhelmingly painful. And to know they justify it and are lying to themselves as well as to me, hurts too.
I do not want to talk about my problems and challenges with anyone, ever again. I tried – several times. Never again. Not when my situation can become life threatening. I have given up completely on ever trying to see Church as a home, or Christians as Church family.
How this will affect me with regard to how I relate to other people now, I don’t know. I think I could probably become distant, cool with people. Which won’t lead to good friendships, but I will be protected.
But, I will learn patience to deal with everyone’s normally far lessor problems and know I cannot receive any help back that I need. Even if I should be able to receive help back. And deserve that.
My counsellor said to me, that I will always be someone who can give far more to others, than I can receive. She was right and she was warning me.
No-one could ever say, I didn’t try. I did.
I could say – stuff you all – I don’t care about your problems, no-one ever cared about mine. Why should I help others, they don’t help me. But, I know I can’t be like that. Because I care about people and their problems, even when they don’t care about me. It’s how it’s always been, all my life.
And the really sad part is – everyone will be much happier if I don’t talk about my problems.
And they have no idea, how deeply that hurts me.