Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Narcisssim makes good TV. Probably one of my most ‘unliked’ posts…


This is well known within the psychology world.

Reality TV shows, most comedy…….all based upon narcissistic behaviours.

Why? Because good, kind, nice behaviours don’t make good TV ratings.

Bitching, mean-ness, ego, sarcasm, competition, being ‘better than others’, putting people down etc – all what society wants to view.

It is all part of society’s increasing need to normalise and humourize bad behaviour, bullying behaviour, bitchy behaviour, entitled behaviour, narcissism behaviour.

Think ‘Big Bang Theory’, all based upon this ^. Highest rating US TV program.

Everyone’s favourite weekly ‘narcissism fix’.

Think of all the reality TV shows, the drama, the bitching, the ego’s, the backstabbing, the sarcasm – are the part that draws in the viewers. Yes people might like the cooking, or the decorating…..but it’s the bitching and drama, people laugh at, that’s what hooks them.

Isn’t it sad that humanity is drawn to……narcissism.

I see this clearly and it is a factor in the increasing narcissism in society.

‘But it’s just a TV show’ people say. Sorry, but no…..it is a fact of how society – wants and is encouraging narcissism.

How sad.

**I know many people won’t like hearing this, but you know, it’s the truth. And I have courage and sufficient intelligence both IQ & EQ – to work this out. And enough self honesty and humility – to know that finding Big Bang Theory is funny is not okay (not matter how clever the writing and acting is) – but I am fully aware NOT to encourage and that I wish to change not engage in this, to grow as a person.**


And now all anyone wants me to do….is minimize/suppress, all the trauma.

It has been 2 years of coming to an understanding of the severity of all the trauma and abuse I have been through. It has been deeply painful and emotionally, more than I can handle. It’s still more than I can handle.

I’ve learned all the strategies people use to minimize the trauma, all the abusive ways people hurt you about it. All the ways people like to view it, for their own self motivated needs.

And I see it all the time now, intentionally, and unintentionally.

People think they are helping, by saying I should view the abusers as good and bad. Understand they are good people really who are hurting and I should feel sorry for them. Well the ‘bad’ part of them, is what caused massive damage, so forgive me if I can’t quite hold on to the ‘good’ part of them – which is only good for their own self interested needs anyway.

People suggest I should view the ‘damage’ differently. I just need to look at it in other more palatable ways, use minimizing terms, that basically minimize the severe harm it caused me. You know – minimize it myself and trick my brain into believing it wasn’t that bad after all..

Yeah, you know, I am far too intelligent for that rubbish. Please don’t insult my intelligence.

There are all the Christians, who have a whole range of wrong opinions and judgements, that are all basically spiritual/emotional abuse, that I just avoid like the plague. They can be the most hurtful of all.

And then there are all those who just think I should ‘leave it in the past’, ‘forget about it’, ‘get over it’, ‘stop dwelling’. And to those people – I just have no words anymore.

I could keep trying to explain to them, but there is no use in talking to people who are completely committed to not listening.

I could get angry and say ‘fuck you, walk in my shoes and then see if you are repeating that crap to yourself’. Other people get angry to deal with invalidation and minimization. But, I don’t want to be angry, so I just avoid anyone who is likely to spout this rubbish. Continue reading

I don’t know anymore, which thinking and beliefs, are the self harm.

The only good part of this, is at least I know there could be unhealthy thinking, either way.

And everyone has a different opinion.

I know Christians will say…..ahhh but you don’t need to do anything but pray. It is God that heals.

Even God doesn’t heal everyone, so I can’t even say – well I know God will fully heal me.

And I don’t, because, if He doesn’t, that will feel like the ultimate betrayal, so I don’t ‘go there’.

If God doesn’t heal e.g. every cancer patient, why would I be stupid, or narcissistic enough, to believe He will heal me. I’m not special. I’m no different to the Christian cancer patient who dies of terminal cancer.

I don’t go with this – as long as I pray enough, God will heal me.

God isn’t some narcissistic God, who only heals people – IF – they have prayed enough.

I believe God will do, whatever God needs to do. And of that, I have no clue.


My mother resented me, and didn’t want to love me, so did the opposite of love.

My mother got pregnant with me, while having an affair with a married man. He didn’t leave his wife when she got pregnant.

She raised me as a single mother, for 6 years, and always made a point of reminding me often, how hard that was for her, in a way that blamed me. She resented my existence, because of her own actions.

I didn’t ask to be born.

She went on to abuse me in so many ways. Deeply painful ways. She allowed other people to abuse me. She made me the family scapegoat.

All I wanted was her love. I have forgiven her, and I still love her. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just erase all emotions.

The severe, long term, psychological, emotional consequences and damage she caused, isn’t fixed and healed, by acceptance and forgiveness.


Am I giving up, or just accepting reality.

I know, I have done all and everything I can in the last 2 years, to heal.

In the midst of my ‘trauma’ therapy, I had to deal with more trauma – which was 12 months of dealing with spiritual abuse, grooming by a minister/church. It seriously fucked up my healing. And I know that, even if no-one else wants to accept the trauma caused. My previous counsellor did, she understood and told me it was trauma, she validated the seriousness of the affects of this trauma I endured whilst already traumatised.

I’m getting worse, and I know that. I can’t cope with anything, I get hives, my anxiety is massive, my emotions are painful, my PTSD symptoms are all hard to manage – and I know all the tricks, for how to manage them.

I can’t decide whether I need to just accept I will never be healed and maybe this is as good as it gets. And ignore those who claim to know that I can get better, I can heal more if I just do XYZ.

Or, whether I am just giving up. Continue reading


Maybe you can’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.

An honest perspective from a psychologist;

Dear Young Therapist: Sometimes We Can’t Put Humpty Back Together Again

Meeting Humpty Dumpty/Joanna Pasek

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

–Mother Goose

We don’t like to admit that things that are broken cannot always be repaired. We develop empirically supported interventions that demonstrate our facility for erasing symptoms of mental illness and curing the ills of the psyche. Chemists and biologists develop powerful substances that right the wrongs of the miniature chemical metaphors for mental illness inside the synaptic cleft.

We wrap ourselves in god-like metaphors of power, control, and authority. We heal the wounded. We restore the broken to a state of wellness. We right that which was wronged.

We try to place all of the evils, pains, and terrors of our world back into Pandora’s box with the hope of this cure called psychotherapy. Our way out of mental illness, a hope for a different future, has become interwoven with these notions of restoration and repair. Returning things to the way they were.

I’ve grown convinced this is not always possible. Even if it was, I’m not sure it is advisable.

…and for those we can’t repair? We call them treatment resistant. We tell them they don’t want to get well. We tell them they are not ready to get well. We find any number of ways to subtly make them responsible for being broken, for not allowing us to repair them, or for having experienced a trauma from which there is no repair.

I don’t think that’s advisable at all.

On any given day any number of survivor stories pass by my eyes on the internet about those who have experienced sexual abuse. As our seemingly endless “war on terrorism” slogs on, I see an increasing number of wounded soldiers displayed for pubic consumption. Stories like these make me angry and sad, hopeless and hopeful. Thousands of tales of lives broken by sexual and physical trauma. Thousands of tales of lives restored through the power of hope, courage, caring, and empowerment.

As someone recently mentioned to me, some do come out of a traumatic experience stronger. Some find a certain kind of beauty in the growth that occurs after a trauma. Some isn’t all. In fact, some is a far way away from all.

Every 65 minutes a veteran of the US Military commits suicide.

Adults who have experiences sexual abuse are twice as likely to have a suicide attempt.

What happens when that which was broken cannot be restored? Who speaks for those who are broken and either cannot or will not be repaired?

A huge industry of self-help groups have grown up around the books A Courage to Heal and Victims No Longer. While both books, in many ways, put childhood sexual abuse on the map, they both also perpetuate a disturbing trend toward a wish to repair that which remains unrepairable. An industry has grown up around us depicting survivors of sexual and physical traumas as strong, proud, and invincible warriors. I wince every time I see this meme replicated. I realize saying this may make me somewhat unpopular in some circles of the sexual abuse healing industrial complex.

Continue reading