Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


“The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the child’s ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse”

I just read this. And it was like being punched in the stomach.

This is all the vital trauma that I have not talked about in counselling.

Christian counselling likes you to focus on ‘understand and feeling compassion for the abuser”. Which quite frankly is bollocks.

I just realised I haven’t done any work in 20 months of counselling on any of the real psychological trauma, including that caused by my mother and step father.

So, its no wonder I am not healing and my PTSD is still severe, having nightmares about my childhood.

When I disclosed child sexual abuse – because I witnessed the paedophile abusing my younger sister, my mother and step father blamed me for her abuse. They told me I should have said earlier and then my sister would never have been hurt. So my sisters abuse, was my fault. They offered no comfort. My mother was angry with me. I was brushed aside. They didn’t care that I had been abused for about 3 years, didn’t even ask me what he had done. Didn’t take my the doctors and didn’t involve the police. Told me to shut up and never tell anyone. I was 12.

I was devastated that it was my fault my sister was hurt.

Every single need as a child who had been sexually abused by a paedophile, was not met.

That is horrendous enough, but then more psychological abuse was heaped on top, and I was made to believe I was to blame for my little sister being abused. I loved my sister. I loved both my sisters. This was a deeply painful place for any 12 year old to be in.

About a year later, I saw my step father, talking with this paedophile, like they were still friends.

By around 13/14, I was in so much pain, I tried to kill myself. I really wanted to die. And then I was labelled a drama queen and attention seeker, a name my sisters still use now.

Even if had been attentions seeking, and being dramatic – I had every fucking right to be. My mother and step father were cruel monsters.

I’m aware this psychological abuse from my sociopath mother and step father, is so much damage, and now I see the affect this had, is massive. Continue reading

Right wing, fundamental Christian hypocrisy, choosing ‘cheap grace’, like N. P. Baptist Church.

Some right wing, conservative, fundamental Christians preach on about the rules and doctrine and how if you don’t follow the rules strictly, then judge you as failing as a Christian. They harp on about Christ being their motivation, and how God is an angry God and the ones not chosen or good enough, will burn in hell, and basically have a level of control over their flocks, that they try really hard to keep at an immature level of faith – as that’s easy to control.

Now I see clearly how a lot of this is linked to low IQ /and or low EQ and also the dark triad traits, as has been confirmed by neuroscience.


But – funnily enough – when their ministers do wrong, abuse someone – oh the ‘cheap grace card’ comes out then, secrecy is needed, lies are okay and the victims of abuse are treated in exactly the opposite way that Christ would.

Cheap grace is the OPPOSITE of hard line fundamental strictly Bible led Christian views.

And yet they are so happy the ‘lower’ their strict values and their strong views, when it suits to take on cheap grace and demand everyone forgives without repentance, full confession is not required, and all whilst treating the victim so badly.

Grace is free, but as a result, so VERY CHEAP to these hypocrites.

It’s just more evidence of how they pick and choose how to interpret everything, based solely on their own needs. And the really sad part is, they have so little insight and courage, so little self honesty and so little faith, they have no clue and all their unhealthy ego’s just support each other.

They claim Christ is the centre of their faith and yet in both situations there is no Christ centred behaviours, at all.

And I know why – because they don’t know Christ.

They think they do, but they are worshipping a fake Christ, they have sculpted to fit their own earthly needs.

So, you know who is really the head of the church….yep, Satan. Who wants them to think they are ‘rejoicing in the grace of God’, when really they are ‘ministering to Satan, in the act of cheap grace’.

And that is exactly how they can treat abuse victims so badly, because their earthly, self interested, narcissistic needs are paramount and the Bible stuff is just manipulated to suit.

Severe PTSD, school holidays, husband night shifts, hives & nauseous at dinnertime.

This week, my husband is on nights (he’s a cop). Not good timing when I have the boys home for the school holidays.

This is resulting in added stress, hives now daily at home, and I am nauseous by dinner time and unable to eat with my family, at 6pm. My dinner goes in the fridge and I eat it when the boys have gone to bed.

I used to love school holidays and would go out every day and have fun with the boys.

But, I am a different person now *sigh. Now, I am struggling daily, and by the late afternoon – my PTSD Cup hath well and truly runneth over!! Yes, I know this is a Bible quote, well minus the PTSD bit. I’m sure Jesus will be okay with me stealing it for blogging purposes.




C’mon – being a mother is hard enough – but PTSD, depression & agoraphobia as well!!!! So not cool.

Continue reading

What timing, Anglican Ministers oppose Tony Abbott’s/LNP’s treatment of assylum seekers.

Just as I post about ‘cheap grace’ – written by a Sydney Anglican Minister….

On the news – Sydney Ministers opposing the Government’s treatment of asylum seekers treatment and the ‘turn back the boats’ policy.


Thank you God – for these people who UNDERSTAND how wrong these policies are and their integrity to speak up and for restoring a little faith in me that some Christians think the same way I do!!!!

I am deeply thankful to these Sydney Anglicans.

Tony Abbott, take note.


Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Cheap Grace – by Michael Jenson.


The writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor and theologian who was executed by the Nazis for his part in a plot to kill Hitler, have spoken powerfully to the generations of readers who have come after him. Recently, Eric Metaxes’s highly readable and engaging biography has brought the faith of Bonhoeffer to the attention of a new audience.

One of Bonhoeffer’s earliest books was his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount, entitled The Cost of Discipleship. Knowing what would happen to the author himself, it is a moving experience to read his reflections on ‘taking up one’s cross’, and dying to the self. As he says with a prophetic edge: ‘When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die’. No-one would live this out more than Bonhoeffer himself.

Bonhoeffer begins his book on Christian discipleship, however, with chapter entitled ‘costly grace’. Costly grace is to be discovered in part by contrasting it with ‘cheap grace’. But what can this mean, since God’s grace is supposed to be free? In the German Protestant church of his day, Bonhoeffer could see plenty of evidence of the cheap variety of grace, but not much of the costly variety. The Protestant church was founded on the teaching of God’s free grace to us in Jesus Christ. But in Bonhoeffer’s eyes, there were many who though that this meant that God’s grace could be possessed but nothing need change. Life could go on as if nothing had happened.

Bonhoeffer puts it this way: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance….Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate”.

Grace is not cheap because it is free, but, because it is free, by some it is held cheap. Continue reading

My passion changing to reducing abuse. Fight this apathetic society I have to live in.

For the last 12 months, I have assumed I would progress towards being a counsellor, and many more insightful counsellors are needed.

Insight into complex trauma, empathy for others, non apathetic mindset about abusive people and a Christian perspective, is a rare combination.

Christians can often be the most messed up and apathetic of all when it comes to how to deal with abusive people. And often fail miserably helping victims/survivors, with their judgmental, bible bashing, brainwashed, entitled views.

Dear Christians, God you are not.

And may I remind you Christians…..apathy is the opposite of good and is why you allow abuse and evil to continue within your churches.

And don’t even get me started on ‘cheap grace’. This evil is like the backbone of far too much of Christianity. Continue reading



I see all these quotes about loving yourself, never changing and accepting yourself as you are and not listening to others etc….

And to a ‘small’ proportion of people, they are great advice.

But, they don’t exactly encourage self reflection, personal growth, or self honesty, do they?

And the bigger trouble is there are a lot of unhealthy thinking, narcissistic, psychopathic, sociopathic, abusive people out there – all reading these quotes too.

And they are all the ones that feed on this, and it validates them and they are the ones least likely to know they have unhealthy minds. So they love these quotes.

And that scares the shit out of me – that they all receive the SAME message.

Makes me realise just how inappropriate social media can be.

I think a lot of these quotes can do more damage than good.

And I have been told, social media feeds unhealthy people the completely wrong message.


Takes wisdom to realise this ‘BIGGER PICTURE’.




This – I know from experience – does not lead to healing, or growth of any kind.

Many people will gravitate towards hearing what they ‘want’ to hear.

And often away from what they ‘need’ to hear.

It’s about human ego and sadly ego can get in the way of recognising wise advice. I see this often.

If I only heard what I wanted to hear in the last 2 years of counselling, I would still be exactly where I was, 2 years ago. I had to hear what I desperately didn’t want to hear, to process it, look deep within myself, to start to heal.

And I have researched a lot and had to accept the realities of many things about myself and about others, society and humanity.

A lot of which many people choose not to think about, choose to ignore and not care about.

Apathy and selecting only what is palatable, is an epidemic.