Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

One way to try and develop self compassion, as the anti-dote to shame.

A post to my page, about a way to develop self compassion, after enduring abusive parents and living with shame all your life….

Children who had abusive parents, struggle with shame and lack of self compassion, in a deep way, which continues into adulthood.

One way to help develop some self compassion, is to think about the way nice, loving parents treat their children, and try to be that for yourself.

If my child messes up, I help him, with love, some patience and encouragement. I may be annoyed a little to start with, but I don’t stay annoyed, I offer love and guidance and understand he is human and makes mistakes, gets tired, overwhelmed with life, like we all can. I show my sons as much love, when they mess up, as I do the rest of the time. If I mess up and don’t have as much patience as I should, I apologise and show my sons that no-one is perfect and how to deal with that.

This is how we need to be with ourselves.

I don’t hate my child or have loathing for my child.

So, I can’t have that self hate and self loathing for myself either. Or I’m not being fair to me.

I need love, patience, compassion, empathy, understanding, and to know I am human, just like any child or adult does.

This may help some, but maybe not others, so please know that is okay.

It is a long process developing self compassion.

But, we do deserve it.

You deserve it, no matter how anyone treated you in the past, or is treating you now.

I really am receiving love and validation today!! Thank you God!

I know this is you God, the love and validation coming my way today.

You know every time I am about to give up on life, Jesus provides what I need.

I know my personal limits, weaknesses and I am too honest to lie to myself. And You know that. My own strength is not enough.

So, I know it is You who gives me the strength to get through and creates joy in me, when I could find none in my own strength.

I cannot ever thank you enough for all You always do for this wretched child of Yours.

I love you more than I can express. And I know You love me and love us all.

You are perfect pure love and I will keep saying that, in the appropriate ways I know I can, and try not to offend people and not push them away from You and speak the truth of who You are. Because I see the harm caused when people don’t speak the truth of You and I know and have learned how not to do that. Your lesson, to me. Using bad, for good. And I will keep learning Your wisdom.

Thank you, I praise You, I love You, always.

Thought of another title for a book, ‘No, God is not a Narcissistic Sociopath’.

Within this, I could deal with all the reasons why so many church people and ministers, believe wrongly about God and basically believe things that state God has evil in Him and wants to hurt us, for His purposes.

Like the wrong reasons so many believe why Jesus came here.

Like how some wrongly believe God asks Satan to inflict his evil on certain people because Satan has to ask God’s permission first.

Like believing God ‘gives’ us pain and suffering to teach us.

Like how many believe God will throw people who do not live up to His expectations into a burning pit of fire, to burn for eternity.

All wrong.

All suggesting God has evil in Him.

All heresy.

All colluding with Satan, whether knowingly, or not.

All spiritual abuse, whether done knowingly, or not.

All likening God to a narcissistic sociopath. He is not.

He is pure, perfect love.


Validation from professionals about my Website :)

Validation shouldn’t matter, I know that….

But, I am also honest in knowing I appreciate validation.

Especially when it comes from professionals, who support my website, this blog and my community page.

I think everyone has a human need for validation.

And I know part of my validation seeking, is my childhood needs I never received, so I am compassionate with myself about that.

So, for today, I will thank the professional who said “Fantastic website 🙂 TY for sharing the link xx. I have passed it on to a friend who is not on twitter xx keep up the great work”

And then after I thanked her she sent this message “You’re more than welcome. I admire you and will do anything to help. Clients will find it helpful so thank you so much. x”

I can feel a little self esteem, that I have written something worthwhile, as professionals value it and I have had many messages that say that, from professionals.

I don’t think it is the best website, I need to update it actually, but I know it is good enough to help people.

And for that, I will be happy 🙂



The kinds of ‘sensitivities’ I don’t have..Charleze Theron comparing ‘rape’.


Charlize Theron compared the media intrusion into her personal life, as rape.

I actually understand what she means when she says this.

And I am a real life sexual rape survivor.

What she means is, the media, journalists etc, intrude into her life, in a way that causes her and her child, great harm and distress, that she has not consented to, does not want and in no way has asked for and the media won’t take ‘no’ for an answer and write all sorts of lies and crap about her.

It is very similar to rape.

I think she could have used a different way of saying it, that wouldn’t maybe offend sexual rape survivors, but it didn’t offend me.

I also view abuse by ministers in churches, as ‘spiritual rape’. I was abused by a church minister, pretending to give spiritual ‘counselling’ in my home alone – when in fact that was not his intentions at all, he was grooming me and being highly inappropriate, with very inappropriate full body contact. To me, that is ‘spiritual rape’, as well as sexually based abuse, as I was very unwell – which he knew and used to his advantage, and I was not emotionally able to comprehend what was occurring, or able to stop what was happening due to his complete lack of honesty. Which was then further proven, but his lies afterwards. He took from me what I wasn’t able to stop. And he lied about it.

So, the term ‘rape’ can be applied to other contexts.

What bothers me more, is the idiots trying to get the term ‘rape’ banned – and forcing everyone to use the term non consensual sex instead.

That does offend me. It’s not ‘sex’ it’s abuse. It’s rape.

It is interesting what different people consider offensive, and what some don’t.

I am going to start calling my mother and step father, by their names.

I have decided to call my mother and step father by their names, from now on.

Because in no way were they parents.

As a mother and step father, they are dead to me now.

I think it will help me get past the whole grieving and abandonment thing, to just view them as very flawed, very sick, very ill people/human beings. Which I have compassion for.

The ‘mother’ ‘father’ connection is too hard.

I can be less hurt/depressed/angry – detaching that emotional connection, and just seeing them as mentally ill human beings, than as parents.

I will give it a go and see how I do.

Cannot be worse than how I feel now.


Automatic need to say sorry, for anything.

I just read about his on Facebook, and I know I do it, when really I shouldn’t.

I did it at my last counselling appointment, at the end, because she looked at the clock, and said we needed to stop, because she had her students to see.

So I automatically said ‘oh sorry’ and felt flustered.

I know why, because I feel like I don’t deserve to be there.

I know she doesn’t do a lot of counselling and has other more important things to do, and is stuck with doing mine at the moment.

And as she said ‘my students’ – it made me feel worse, because I know I am not meant to be one of ‘her’ clients.


Was this an over-reaction on my part? No doubt yes. Is it unreasonable? Probably.

But it is was it is and I know why I do what I do and I have some degree of self compassion.

The people I have to trust are the ones who I am always the most sensitive around.

I know it’s my issue. But trust and feeling like I don’t ‘deserve’ to be there, is a big issue, for me.


It has crossed my mind, that sub consciously she is trying to get rid of me. I guess I should just ask her outright, but I can’t – because I am too scared of what response to would get.

And I think my people pleasing crap, happens when I don’t think I deserve someone’s time.

I’d rather quit counselling myself, than get an answer that would hurt.

I guess the whole ‘I will push you away, before you can hurt me. Because it will hurt me less to push you away, than be abandoned’.


Sia – Chandelier – tears about the girl dancing, and the lyrics.

Thank God, for music and video’s, they really are a huge comfort to me and part of my healing, grieving.

Dancing was a huge coping strategy for me when I was enduring all the child sexual abuse from the paedophile, as well as all the emotional, psychological, mental abuse from my mother and step father.

I was about 9 when I started ballet, tap and modern dance and I could dance like the girl in this video. I used to dance alone in my room, or one of the big rooms we had in the creep Victorian house I lived in, as a child.

Dance was a way to express my emotions in a non verbal way, because I wasn’t allowed to express them verbally. It was also one of many dissociation strategies, I needed to develop young.

This video reminds me so much of myself then, aged around 9 – 12.

Lyrics – I relate to as well. More about my 20’s.

Sia – “Chandelier”

Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I’m the one “for a good time call”
Phone’s blowin’ up, ringin’ my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw ’em back, till I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
Continue reading