For over 18 months, I have attended counselling with my trauma counsellor, and she validated, supported, encouraged and helped me considerably in my healing journey.
She is unwell and possibly not going to return to counselling at all, I recently found out.
I am very glad and thankful she is doing what she needs for herself and for her health and I support that fully. I care about her and want her to be well. And not in any way do I want or expect her to do anything differently than she is doing.
I am also honest enough to know the impact this has on me. I have that underlying fear, even writing this, that everyone abandons me, no-one sticks with me – whether deliberately, or non intentionally.
It’s just been the way it’s always been, all through my life.
People leave, and leave at really bad times. When I really need them most.
I want to go and cry and tell her how hard the last few months have been, because I know she will understand. She knows my history more than anyone and she knows the pain of the trauma I endured within the last 2 years, on top of all the abuse and trauma throughout my life.
She never minimized any of this, in fact she helped me to know, it is trauma and the damage it caused.
She helped me to realise the consequences of all these abusive people. Without her, I would not be at the point I am at, of understanding just how severe it all has been, how it wasn’t my fault and she helped me in a way that I knew I had her support and her validation, always.
I trusted her as much as I am capable of trusting anyone. Which is huge for me.
I am in tears now just writing this, and I have anxiety in my chest hurting. Because I had a bond with her, that I rarely have with people and now I can’t see her anymore. I can’t talk with her. She would tell me that it’s okay to feel this way, and that it is grieving yet another relationship.
Why does everyone have to leave me.