Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Everyone always leaves…

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For over 18 months, I have attended counselling with my trauma counsellor, and she validated, supported, encouraged and helped me considerably in my healing journey.

She is unwell and possibly not going to return to counselling at all, I recently found out.

I am very glad and thankful she is doing what she needs for herself and for her health and I support that fully. I care about her and want her to be well. And not in any way do I want or expect her to do anything differently than she is doing.

I am also honest enough to know the impact this has on me. I have that underlying fear, even writing this, that everyone abandons me, no-one sticks with me – whether deliberately, or non intentionally.

It’s just been the way it’s always been, all through my life.

People leave, and leave at really bad times. When I really need them most.

I want to go and cry and tell her how hard the last few months have been, because I know she will understand. She knows my history more than anyone and she knows the pain of the trauma I endured within the last 2 years, on top of all the abuse and trauma throughout my life.

She never minimized any of this, in fact she helped me to know, it is trauma and the damage it caused.

She helped me to realise the consequences of all these abusive people. Without her, I would not be at the point I am at, of understanding just how severe it all has been, how it wasn’t my fault and she helped me in a way that I knew I had her support and her validation, always.

I trusted her as much as I am capable of trusting anyone. Which is huge for me.

I am in tears now just writing this, and I have anxiety in my chest hurting. Because I had a bond with her, that I rarely have with people and now I can’t see her anymore. I can’t talk with her. She would tell me that it’s okay to feel this way, and that it is grieving yet another relationship.

Why does everyone have to leave me.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 thoughts on “Everyone always leaves…

  1. Oh you poor thing! I think I know how you feel – in fact, one of my core beliefs is also “everyone who loves me leaves me”, which sounds a bit like your experience, too.
    You sound so wise in this post, experiencing your hurt and also understanding, perhaps accepting, that this is the way it is.
    Good luck as you move forward.

  2. I’m so sorry. I’ve been following the story with your therapist and I am truly sorry to hear that she is unwell and that you must deal with that in such a time of need. My thoughts are with you. ❤

  3. Sorry for you, Id like to find a councilor like that I could bond with..hasnt happened.

  4. Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate your messages ❤

    Sometimes I feel like life, is a continual grieving cycle.

    But, I also have positives and blessings too ❤

  5. Oh Hun, hugs to you. I wish I could be there to love on you. Abandonment fears are something I go through too. It’s hard when you grow to trust someone and face them going away. Love love ❤

  6. Heya. I have this feeling too. At the moment my counselor has just put me in touch with a person more specialized to deal with the sort of trauma I have been through. I met with that person this week and just had a tough time, I trust my counselor so much as well as my GP- both of them amazing ladies- my heroes in fact. I am worried that with the introduction of this more specialized person that my counselor will abandon me, but she reassures me she will not be going anywhere. xx- abandonment is my biggest issue. ❤

    Shaz xx