Just realised how much I have been used in life, to stroke other people’s ego’s.

This has been a continuing pattern in my life. People who need their ego stroked, hone in on me, as someone they see as prey, to stroke their ego’s.

It’s even happened recently. I told someone I believed in their qualities, was asked to write my experiences – to boost the person concerned publicly – so as requested I wrote out something highly praising this person, which of course – he loved.

But, then, when I challenged him, tested him, because I realised I had potentially been used, the ego couldn’t handle that.

So, it was okay when supporting him, because he gets a lot of hassle, but when I challenged him, that was not okay.

I feel really used right now.

Knowing I have been used, is not good for me.

It’s always been the way.

I feel compassion for people, and I am an empath, I get reeled in and used and then when I am no longer needed, or don’t meet their standards of ego stroking – the picture soon changes.

I am so over this.

And sadly, this is another church minister.

Big ego’s don’t like to be challenged, or told they may be wrong, or less than, in some way.

Adding on to this – I have also now realised, I still have work to do on my boundaries with people.

I am still moving too fast within any relationships/friendships I develop, because I need to work people out over time, so I don’t get hurt, by those who are looking for people to use.

Instead, I need to take things a lot slower. Not easy for me. But, more to work on.

People whinging and whining here….try taking a look at what goes around the world.

A common whinge and whine with women, who are overweight and unfit, is ‘how hard it is to go to the gym and how people don’t understand that’.

I was severely abused for the first 20 years of my life and through my 30’s. I’ve had every form of abuse done to me, over prolonged periods of time. No love, no support. I’ve had PTSD all my life. Depression all my life. Anxiety all my life.

During my 20’s and 30’s – I got my butt in the gym and was healthy. I didn’t sit around complaining how hard it was, I just did it.

I can live my life as a true Christian, without church….but the stage 3 er’s, won’t agree.

I am aware of the stages of faith. I read it and it was a huge light bulb moment for me.

I know most church people need church and I am not invalidating that, or saying their needs are wrong.

Yet, many will be quick to dismiss my decision to not attend church.

I am and I intend being a witness of my faith, without having to park my butt every Sunday morning on a pew.

I believe the Bible talks about church, because God knows how many need that – how many need constant reminders, they need herding like sheep. They need to belong and have their groups, like teenagers do. Mostly this is not about community, or being a witness, it is because most church goers, are either not Christians at all, or are at that stage 3 faith progression and will stay stuck and need church due to that.

Which is good and fine and they can do that, but it is all the more obvious what stage they are at, when they claim that all ‘Christians’ need church.

I deliberately test people. It’s how to see who they really are, beneath the mask.

Is this fair, possibly not – but being who I am, having had my life, having a life threatening severe illness…

It is necessary.

I need to weed out the unhealthy ego’s, the egocentrics, the narcissists, the liars, the selfish, the people who are potentially going to hurt me, or already have.

Am I too hard on people. Probably. In normal circumstances, I have no doubt this would be wrong, but I am not dealing with normal circumstances.

No doubt I would be told by some I ‘should’ do XYZ, I ‘could’ do XYZ… Yeah shoulda, woulda, coulda, I’m dealing with a life threatening illness, my needs are different.

I know my needs and I know what I have to do to stay safe. I have learned, that my needs are important after all.