Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I deliberately test people. It’s how to see who they really are, beneath the mask.


Is this fair, possibly not – but being who I am, having had my life, having a life threatening severe illness…

It is necessary.

I need to weed out the unhealthy ego’s, the egocentrics, the narcissists, the liars, the selfish, the people who are potentially going to hurt me, or already have.

Am I too hard on people. Probably. In normal circumstances, I have no doubt this would be wrong, but I am not dealing with normal circumstances.

No doubt I would be told by some I ‘should’ do XYZ, I ‘could’ do XYZ… Yeah shoulda, woulda, coulda, I’m dealing with a life threatening illness, my needs are different.

I know my needs and I know what I have to do to stay safe. I have learned, that my needs are important after all.

In my experience, most people are not real, they display what they want you to see. It’s only when tested, the real person becomes revealed. And I know what to look for, and what to assess.

In my situation, I have to know who the real person is.

And I would rather be alone, than in the company of people, who have a greater potential to hurt me.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

14 thoughts on “I deliberately test people. It’s how to see who they really are, beneath the mask.

  1. It’s too bad you feel that way, but I understand.

  2. I once thought that I trust people by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, until I was always let down. My dog has taught me otherwise. Seriously, my 10 pound mutt I endearingly call my little Chupacabra. After I rescued him from the pound I started to notice that he would attack everyone he first met. Seriously he would bite their shoes or try and bite their hands. Yes it was very dangerous, but I noticed a pattern. The more he saw and got to know this person the less and less he would attack them, bark ferociously at them. Except one of my brother’s friends. This guy came to our house everyday for about a year and everyday Pepper would attack him. I would punish him by sending him to his room (my bedroom), putting a muzzle on him, and everything. He was sooooo sad. Until one day, my mom noticed some of her jewelry missing. I looked in my room and found my jewelry gone. My brother had found things in his car missing (because he was too careless to lock it). The one common denominator in the whole thing was his friend. We trusted this asshole, but Pepper didn’t. It was then that we realized that Pepper was warning us. I love this little boy. He is my fierce protector. He, among the rest of my pets, the best thing I’ve ever done was to rescue this bi-polar beast. He is definitely mine.

  3. So sorry you have to even consider these things. You are a wonderful woman who should only be surrounded by great, genuine, honest people! God bless! I envy your ability to assess people the way you do. If I had that ability I would not have let some people hurt me. But like you said, shoulda, coulda, woulda!

    • In the past, I have not trusted my capacity to see red flags and have been repeatedly hurt over and over.

      Over the last 2 years, with the help of my professional support, I have come to realise my discernment capacity.

      I am aware, I am hard on people, not because I want to be, but because I have to be.

      If someone shows me a side to them, which means they are not being real, are capable of lying etc – which means they can hurt me, then they cannot be in my life.

      Whilst dealing with life threatening Complex PTSD – I have accepted this is needed.

      And I also think, is it too much to ask, for people to be honest and real?

      • No ma’am! It certainly isn’t! Who wants fakes around them? Not me! Mind you I am kinda honest to a fault, people either love me or hate me their choice! 😉

  4. Good post…I think it’s quite normal to test people…I do it too! 😉

  5. This is part of what my ex was doing with me, testing me, goading me, comparing me, fault finding among other negatives then in the same breath she would praise me, adorn me, console me, pamper me her mannerisms would be so confused in how to respond to normality. Just the simple things like washing up, cooking or housework she could not comprehend why I was helping or doing these chores, where she had been previously conditioned to do in her subservient suppression from her previous years of servitude to men. To eventually reach a point in her life where there was no ill feeling and she was being appreciated for who she really could be, it was a dramatic psychological transformation she could not accept or cope with. There is a whole history of other things but this is just a small snippet. Maybe some other day! When people can share events and there co-exists a similarity I hope it can help you and others to be able to breathe a breath of emotional release and containment.