Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Poem – Staying High, Staying Numb

Girl-drinking-11-27-12

A poem about my life in my 20’s.

Poem – Staying High

Prolonged
Pain
Suffering
Deeply carved
Into every inch
Of her heart
And soul

The blur
Partying
Fun
Thrills
Alcohol
Men
Wouldn’t
Cure it

No amount
Of suppression
Oppression
Repression
Avoidance
Minimization
Would make
It go
Away

Pain remained
Intensifying
Each moment
Of it ignored
Worsening
The damage
Carving
Deeper
And deeper
Into her soul

Not wanting
To be alone
Fear of alone
One night stands
Can’t go home
Alone again
Need someone
To numb
The pain Continue reading


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Empathy & compassion, for those who ‘really’ need it – that society often ignores.

I am someone who has such deep compassion and empathy for sufferers of abuse and trauma, who have endured things no-one should ever endure.

I openly admit, I find it harder to have compassion for those who have had relatively average lives that have not included abuse, trauma etc.

And yet, I know some will consider I do not have enough compassion for everyone. Especially church people, who like to hammer on about compassion.

Well my answer to that is, there are plenty of people willing to offer support to those who complain about normal life experiences…

And not enough people who offer the compassion and empathy needed to those who have ‘really’ suffered in life, with ongoing, prolonged abuse, child abuse and deeply impacting trauma.

Society does support complaining about minor issues in life, and does like to dismiss the real suffering – due to issues that many do not wish to have to think about, because they are taboo subjects that are uncomfortable to think about and upset comfortable lives…

Like suicidal thoughts, incest, child sexual abuse, abuse from paedophiles/narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths, self harm, substance abuse, eating disorders etc.

But, I will talk about them – because I know the deep pain people can be in and how they are the ones who truly need support, compassion, empathy, love, non judgment – all the things society often fails to offer.

I understand prolonged deep pain, suffering, complete aloneness….so yes, I will support people who know this too.

That doesn’t mean I lack compassion and empathy, it means I have more and know where the support is needed in a far greater way.

And I am very secure in my understanding of this.


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Over 140,000 views on this blog now…

This blog is now a year old 🙂

When I started it, I would never have believed it would be viewed as much as it is.

Having been told most of my life, I am worthless, who would want to read about my life, my thoughts???

No-one surely…

Today, I will take it as a compliment and a testimony to my thoughts being worthy of reading after all, that so many choose to read my blog.

I cannot deny that the traffic on my blog, means some people do like what I write.

A huge thank you to everyone who has read any blogs and to all who have supported my blog, offered words of comfort and support, read all my many emotions, all my yucky trauma stuff and been so kind about it.

I truly appreciate, thank and value you all!

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

And a big fat raspberry 😛 – to all those who made me feel worthless.

🙂


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Just because I am strong enough to have endured it, does not mean I deserved it.

Just because I am strong enough to have endured severe, multiple, prolonged complex trauma/abuse..

Does not mean I ever deserved even a minute of it.

And no matter what I did, or didn’t do, it did not ever give anyone the right to abuse me.

No-one ever deserves abuse.

No matter what any abusive, or unhealthy people may say.

The abuse, was always a choice by the abusers.

A choice ‘they’ made. Their blame. Their guilt. Their shame. Whether to choose to own that or not.

I still need to remind myself of this, often.

To replace the old belief systems seared into my soul, by all the abusive people I have endured.


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OMG!!! If this gets passed, then Belgium might as well say ‘child abusers welcome’.

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/belgium-to-lower-age-of-consent-to-13/

“Belgium to Lower Age of Consent to 13”

I cannot believe there are people depraved enough to even consider this.

Well, actually I can believe it.

Sick, sick, sick.

What next – we’ll say molesting pre-teens at 10, 11, 12 -is okay?

Just the thought of middle aged, and old men, perverts, paedophiles, child sex offenders, grooming 13 yr olds, having ‘sex’ with them and claiming it is legal – makes me feel physically sick.

I can just see all the paedophiles, child sex offenders and child rapists – all celebrating, if these laws start getting passed.

Sick.


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How bizarre, that anyone would ‘thank’ their abuser, for being part of their growth.

I completely disagree, with this concept that we can ‘thank’ abusive people – for being a part of our growth.

That is condoning what they did, as okay.

Their abuse was never okay, no matter what the outcome.

I will thank ‘myself’, for using what caused me great harm, to strengthen myself, and grow and my willingness to do that.

But, I will never thank an abuser, for being an abuser.

I will never thank an abuser for the harm and suffering they made a choice to inflict.

I find it bizarre, when people make such statements.

You can just imagine the abuser reading how the victim is thanking them – and thinking ‘see – you did need/deserve it’.

Talk about abuse enabling.

I think any concept where abuse is condoned, thanked etc – is very unhealthy and about the victim trying to find a positive – that is not a healthy one at all.

You can forgive, without thanking them.


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I’m trying hard to avoid politics, but I seriously want to swear at Tony Abbott.

The budget. How very Christian. Who’s affected? The poor, the ill, pensioners, state education etc.

But the politicians had a $70,000 salary increase.

And his daughter has a $70K scholarship for uni – that he could have afforded to pay for, that could have been used instead for someone on low income.

And this current Gov’t want to ‘end the age of entitlement’ – what a joke. These middle class/upper class people can be the most ‘entitled’ of all.

I seriously pray hard that this Gov’t will not get back in, in the next election.

Prior to being PM, Tony whined on and on about Julia Gillard and her broken promise about the carbon tax.

And yet – the narcissistic hypocrite has broken so many of his own pre-election promises. What a liar. It borders sociopathic lying. Premeditated, ego boosting, win at all costs – lying and manipulation.

I HATE politics and see so clearly how the dark triad traits gravitate towards it.

And all the middle/upper class people who think he is doing good work (Tony’s apath minions) – well of course you would, wouldn’t you – because it doesn’t affect you.

You can still afford your posh houses, your private education fees, your private health care, your fancy holidays abroad. Maybe, if you couldn’t afford to go to the doctor, and had to choose between that or buying food – you would think differently.


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I would go to church, if they actually were ‘Bodies Of Christ’.

I am not shy in saying, I think many church people are as, or more messed up, than non church goers.

Too much ego, too much pride, too much asking for money, too much bickering, too many rules, too much religion, not enough wisdom, too much apathy, too much abuse, too much spiritual/emotional abuse, too much cheap grace, too much ‘you have to do this our way’, too much shallow crap, too much believing they are superior to others, too many ‘cliques’, far too many that are actually not Christians at all, too many pew warmers and don’t even get me started on the ministers.

Of course, each church will deny this.

I have neither the capacity, or the desire, to participate in all this.

Have I had great examples of churches and church people. No.

Do I think they are all this way. No.

I do think they are mostly only for average people, and not for those healing very traumatic lives – in my experience – church is the last place to go for that.

Do I have the energy, or the need to keep looking, until I find one, led by someone I can trust, where I will feel safe, feel my family is safe. No.

“Christianity’ is a mess. Anyone who believes differently, is deluded, in denial, very naïve, or brainwashed.

Most churches and church people are NOTHING, like they were in the 1st Century.

I am thankful there are some amazing, mature Christians, trying to help all the ones who have no clue.

But, I do not have the gifts right now, to do that. My healing, my PTSD, my family, preserving my life – are all more important than other people right now. And it is not selfish to say that.

Anyone who says that is wrong – are you God?


“I gotta stay high, all the time, to keep you off my mind”

I can’t get this song outta my head.

I know why, because I am still grieving my 20’s and the lifestyle I needed, to numb and suppress the pain of the first 20 years of my life.

I was a thrill seeker, to numb, suppress.

Another line is..

“Can’t go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain”.

I feel deeply sad for myself when I think of all I did, to numb the pain.

Self sorrow and grieving are needed in this journey, and music often helps me to do that. Music has always helped me to deal with my emotions, and it is helping me to heal.

Some will say this lifestyle was self harm, maladaptive coping strategies, wrong, harmful….yes, I see all that. But, you know – I am alive.

And it was all I capable of at that time.

I know this song will remain deeply in my heart now.