My landline and internet I use for my laptopn are down and will be all weekend! 4 days of no facebook, how will I survive!
I do not like these touch screen tablets I am currently using. I gave in and I am using my husbands. I can’t remember my fb login, so I will just have to wait…
Having read some more in the book by Pete Walker about complex ptsd, I am relieved to read that my trauma response of freeze, leads to excessive internet use as a way of dissociation from the memories and flashbacks.
What is very sad to read, is that freeze type trauma response is the most common and most severe of them all, common with scapegoated chidren of narc/sociopath parents and those most profoundly emotionally neglected children.
I have missing memory of my young childhood at around 6,7. Plus signs of sexual abuse at that age of wetting the bed until around 7 and very concerning needs that are fear related at that age, like hanging things on my door handle at night, so it would fall off and wake me up if someone came in my room. No child that age does that, unless something fear inducing and serious has occurred. The missing memory is likely dissociation.
I have had complex trauma since young childhood and I can see that clearly. I wonder if those memories, will ever come back. I would much rather they did not. I am overwhelmed with trauma memories already.
I feel so much sadness, for being someone, who has known fear all my life.
Yet, I also never played the victim.
I was never allowed my rightful emotions, by my family. Abuse like being called sensitive and a drama queen, typical narc abuse was used by my mother, step father and my sisters. They are text book narcisstic sociopaths.
So, now I am feeling all the emotions suppressed for 40 years and I have the needed self compassion and understanding to allow those emotions to be felt when they occur, as is also stated as necessary by Pete Walker.
I feel very sad tonight. I wait until my family are in bed and I allow the tears that are needed.
I do try my hardest to grieve on my own. My family do not need to see all that.