There is no doubt that over the last two years, my fear of attachment, fear of trust has worsened.
I know why, dealing with abuse from a church minister I trusted at that point more than any other man in my life, devastated me. It caused deeper trauma that only my former counsellor understood fully. The way it was all handled, the rejection and non belief by many was huge trauma to me, on top of massive trauma issues I was already in the middle of a breakdown about. The scapegoating of my ptsd, the lies, the deliberate attacks knowing where it would hurt me the most, was more than I could handle.
Since all that, my ability to consider trusting people was severely affected, and further hurt caused by more church people, has now cemented my belief that in no way are church people to be trusted and in fact, no-one can be trusted.
I know this will be considered wrong by some, but I have learned that other people’s judgment is also not to be trusted and that many choose feeling more sorry for those who do wrong, than for those hurt.
Most church people have this unwise, screwed up need to defend abusive people and downplay, minimize the affect of abuse on the victim. Even my doctor, who I do respect, is like a little like this. It’s a church conditioning, I believe is unwise, wrong and enables and encourages abuse, spiritual abuse and I am secure in my understanding of this. I know my actual experiences, give me greater understanding and wisdom. I also have spiritual courage, rather being spiritually passive and apathetic and I am prepared to speak up, where many church people, won’t.
This all leads me to distrust church people more, knowing there is often more judgment, obvious misuse of the Bible and often less wisdom and more abuse within churches, than among non church people. and I do not want my children exposed to anymore of this either and end up with this church ‘mind control’.
The more I learn about humanity, psychology, human science, the more experiences I endure from people, the more I see how much society, church people engage in unwise attitudes, the less I want to become involved with anyone.
My fear of getting hurt anymore, is greater than my desire to form any relationships, attachment, bonds etc with anyone.
So yes, my attachment trust issues are worse, not better.
My isolating, dissociative freeze trauma response is full on and worsening.
But, I am safe and that matters.
People are unsafe and my life proves that, over and over.