My attachment issues, trust issues and dissociative issues, are worsening, not improving.

There is no doubt that over the last two years, my fear of attachment, fear of trust has worsened.

I know why, dealing with abuse from a church minister I trusted at that point more than any other man in my life, devastated me. It caused deeper trauma that only my former counsellor understood fully. The way it was all handled, the rejection and non belief by many was huge trauma to me, on top of massive trauma issues I was already in the middle of a breakdown about. The scapegoating of my ptsd, the lies, the deliberate attacks knowing where it would hurt me the most, was more than I could handle.

Since all that, my ability to consider trusting people was severely affected, and further hurt caused by more church people, has now cemented my belief that in no way are church people to be trusted and in fact, no-one can be trusted.

I know this will be considered wrong by some, but I have learned that other people’s judgment is also not to be trusted and that many choose feeling more sorry for those who do wrong, than for those hurt.

Most church people have this unwise, screwed up need to defend abusive people and downplay, minimize the affect of abuse on the victim. Even my doctor, who I do respect, is like a little like this. It’s a church conditioning, I believe is unwise, wrong and enables and encourages abuse, spiritual abuse and I am secure in my understanding of this. I know my actual experiences, give me greater understanding and wisdom. I also have spiritual courage, rather being spiritually passive and apathetic and I am prepared to speak up, where many church people, won’t.

This all leads me to distrust church people more, knowing there is often more judgment, obvious misuse of the Bible and often less wisdom and more abuse within churches, than among non church people. and I do not want my children exposed to anymore of this either and end up with this church ‘mind control’.

The more I learn about humanity, psychology, human science, the more experiences I endure from people, the more I see how much society, church people engage in unwise attitudes, the less I want to become involved with anyone.

My fear of getting hurt anymore, is greater than my desire to form any relationships, attachment, bonds etc with anyone.

So yes, my attachment trust issues are worse, not better.

My isolating, dissociative freeze trauma response is full on and worsening.

But, I am safe and that matters.

People are unsafe and my life proves that, over and over.

Why no-one is entitled to an opinion on the severity of my trauma.

The trauma i endured as a child, no-one witnessed, bar the abusers themselves, my mother, step father, the paedophile, the pyschopath.

My sisters were too young and were treated differently. The one sister was also abused by the paedophile when she was young. She didn’t go to his home, she wasn’t with me when I was made to watch porn, sexually abused for around 3 years. She wasn’t sent by our mother to this paedophiles home. I don’t know the extent of the abuse to her and she does not know the extent to me.

I was the family scapegoat, blamed for everything, including my sisters abuse, when I was 12. Typical highly abusive behaviours of  the severely abusive behaviour of narcissistic and sociopathic parents. My sisters were conditioned into joining in this behaviour too, so they will not accept this truth.

My sisters were too young to see the extensive grooming by the psychopath, and no-one was present during it, after i was set up to be hated by my family and became the psycho’s captivity sex slave. 

This was the abuse during the first 20 years of my life. Plenty have had opinions on this, but none have any right to an opinion, including my sisters, or other family members, because they were not there. Their opinion, means nothing. 

Abusers do not admit their abuse, or wear a sign that says they are an abuser.

Abuse within families, can be kept secret for lifetimes and go to the grave, unless someone has the courage and support needed to expose it.

Exposing family abuse always leads to denial, anger, rejection etc, by other family members either in denial, or preferring to reject for own reasons.

But, the one who does expose it, is the hero, no matter what the opinion of others may be. If those who reject this truth weren’t there, their opinion isn’t based on fact, and is invalid.

I learned the only way to deal with anyone who rejects my truth, is to keep them out of my life. It’s not my job to educate them about their invalid opinions, judgments and wrong assumptions. It is my job to ensure my healthy boundaries, to keep toxicity out of my life.

We cannot control the behaviours and attitudes of others, we can only manage what we allow in to our lives.

Continuing relationships with toxic people, is a form of self harm.

Healing cannot occur within toxic relationships.

Even if family.

Constant muscle tightness in complex trauma survivors ‘armoring’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am currently reading Pete Walkers book on complex trauma and he describes constant muscle tightness, which I have suffered all my life, as ‘armoring’. I have not heard it described this way by anyone else and it makes perfect sense.

My massage therapist once described my body as being continually ‘braced for something’, which she was correct in describing, and is a symptom of my hypervigilant state, that always assumes subconsciously, that I need to be prepared for trauma. In the case of my body, I always have my ‘armor on’.

It is no doubt why I have always required alcohol to actually relax.

I know my muscles are continually tense and this ongoing wear and tear, causes considerable pain, that worsens in cold weather. It is what I consider to be complex trauma induced fibromyalgia. I think many fibro sufferers who have had prolonged child abuse or prolonged domestic violence, will relate to this.

This constant muscle tightness, is not something chosen by the sufferer, it is a subconscious need due to prolonged trauma abuse, for the body to be ready for abuse, regardless of any actual, or real threat of abuse being present.

I have to make myself relax, and at any given time that I stop and think about it, I will feel all the muscles in my neck and shoulders tensed and have to tell myself to relax. And this is constant and I suffer pain continually.

Regular guided muscle relaxation exercises help, but nothing provides continual relief.

My body protects itself in this way, the same subconscious way, we all breathe.

See my Website, for more info on complex trauma and how to manage symptoms

@ https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Want to give a negative view, but can you handle it back?

Society loves to give their opinion, regardless of whether it is educated, insightful, or what motivation it is driven by.

But, so often society cannot handle the truth back. Ego, fear, ignorance, or personality disorder traits, often only known by those wise enough to understand them and be able to detect them.

People always say they are entitled to their opinion, but are they? If it is an opinion that is selfish, uneducated in the topic concerned, from someone who has little insight into themselves let alone into others.

I think is pretty obvious by the mess this this world is in, there are far too many opinions that are not appropriate, wise, or with good intentions.

But, society insists that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Entitlement, ego, such destructive issues.

I know people who give their opinion on me, but do not like my honest opinion back. The truth is not well accepted by insecure, ego driven people. Self esteem and humility, are what enables people to face the truth about themselves. It takes courage and inner security to accept the unpalatable about self.

I have needed to hear, learn and accept things about myself that are not good. Some of it has really hurt. But, I have the courage and humility to know I cannot grow and mature and develop in wisdom without it.

Many adults remain in an immature adolescent stage of emotional development and never progress, remaining egocentric, egotistic and self needs motivated, like teenagers, and have no self insight about this.

It is sad that egocentricuty, narcissism, bullying, selfishness, are all increasing, as this is the opposite of emotional maturity or wisdom.