Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Overwhelmed at the amount of abuse and harm I have endured.

8 Comments

When people comment on how much abuse I have endured in my life, it reinforces the severity of it all.

In my last blog, it was commented how the list of abusive things I have heard from all the significant people in my life, is huge. And that list was not all of it bar far. And this is all on top of all the physical, pyschological, sexual abuse, my entire childhood of abuse, all the abuse in adulthood.

I would be stupid to not have trust issues. So many abusers, so many people who have harmed me, retraumatised me with their unwise opinions and their need and sense of entitlement to spew their judgments.

Even those who claim to care, but don’t realise they actually have no insight into trauma and still feel they need to have opinions.

My doctor believes I need more people in my life. I know I don’t and definitely not church people. Even her invalidation of how severe the harm caused to me is and this constant drive to put me back out there, to get hurt some more, bothers me. It’s not intentional, she just doesn’t have the insight to know how much my life has hurt. She’s a rose coloured glasses viewer, who views church people as good, abusers as good people really. Compassion greater than wisdom. It also helps in having an comfortable life. It’s the church way.

Me, I am done with people in every way, other than helping those who have suffered and to help children in child protection.

I would rather be alone, than hurt, over and over.

I’ve been hurt enough.

 

 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Overwhelmed at the amount of abuse and harm I have endured.

  1. Hello,

    I was touched by the hurt and sincerity in your post. I have yet to find a place to talk or write about my abuses, but I find some sort of solace when reading others’ stories. Maybe one day I will find a place to write about my life, my experiences. That being said, thank you for sharing.

    Please, I want to state these are my feelings, and by no way means I am telling anyone else how to live, feel, heal, hurt, or exist!

    Trust. Through the mountains of pains I have suffered through, I am often surprised at how much I do trust people. For me, I believe I have different levels of trust. I may trust a stranger this much, and I can learn to trust a lover THIS much. I trust men faster than I trust women; but I can trust women more deeply than I can trust men.Trust is such a complicated concept enfolding many emotions, experiences, and senses.

    For me, I trust everyone to a small degree, but it is difficult to build trust beyond the initial amount. It is much easier to lose the initial level of trust than it is to build it.

    I have learned, and continue to learn, that often times I try to trust the wrong type of people. I will forever be on the quest to learn to trust the right kind of people. It isn’t easy! My natural instinct is to trust those that honestly do not deserve the trust. But I go on by changing how I trust. As anything in life, it is breaking of a bad habit by practicing good ones.

    On more than a few occasions, my trust has been misused, abused, and taken for granted. But I try so hard to remember this…

    Trusting shows MY character; people misusing my Trust shows their character.

  2. I know…and I have come to see it ALL…but with every revisit, a new realization and growth comes along too..into adulthood it followed…because as children and adolescents, we are still learning to become aware…and then…sometime in adulthood, the cold reality of it comes to light and then we must distance ourselves for awhile and learn how to adjust everything from our posture to recreating ourselves into someone who no longer invites such. I was always told…this happened so long ago, why can’t you get over it? You are too sensitive, too thin skinned…no, I was just TOO blindly trusting that those others had human decency and respect for others…actually, the abuse went from being OVERT because I was a defenseless and trusting child, to becoming OVERT because I found a voice to complain and call out the reality of their behavior….then the gas lighting and the comments that made question my own perceptions…people that will do things to you as a child will continue to find NEW ways to do it as an adult.

  3. I meant to write..it went from becoming OVERT abuse to COVERT…the more aware WE get, the more deceptive and sneaky they get about how they can get over on you.

  4. I can relate to this. I can’t even count anymore the lack of validation I received from my family. And then just recently attempting to talk to someone who I thought might ‘get it’ if for no other reason because she’s been through a lot of abuse herself. But I got the same BS from her too…”You take things too personally” she said.

    It was really disappointing, while at the same time I thought, “Of course, why not you too? Everyone else from my past (she’s an old friend) thinks I should grow thicker skin. Why not you too.?”

    I hung up the phone feeling pretty much the same as you write about here.

  5. You are in my constant prayers sister! I can’t blame you for feeling this way, I don’t know how I would react or feel if I were you. God bless you endlessly and abundantly! You strength is something to be admired!

  6. The topical subjects and questions that you project across are very positive, thought provoking and encouraging to people who can relate to you through their own individual traumatic experiences or events. Over the various communicative sites or personal contact with different people, I have encountered so many who are so detached from the true reality and understanding of an individuals enduring situation. It is a persons remarks where they comment on ones perplexed state as relating to their own experiences, indicating that they have been through a tumultuous journey and if they have got through it so can you. They always put a bigger slant on their experiences than the true reality, in relation to yours. These are the people that are ignorant, invasive, disparaging and so engrossed in their own self-indulgence.

    Throughout my encounters with Health Professionals some or shall I say most have a viewpoint that becomes so medically intrinsic to their years of study they tend to immerse themselves in the literal anthology of diagnosis, as opposed to thinking on a humanitarian emotionally connecting level. You enter their domain and they greet you with a big ear to ear smile, joyfully asking ‘How are you?’ Expecting you to look around and tell them that the numerous medication is working wonders, feel on top of the world, everything is becoming just a blur of a memory and you get down on your knees in adulation and adornment of your complete euphoric existence.

    Religion, faith, believe have never been a direct influence in my life, right from the time I became more observant in my ability to think constructively from childhood. Always have maintained an inquisitive mind in extending my knowledge of the world but for me one of my connections as been through the martial art/oriental concept of Yin and Yang.

    • So much of what you have written, I relate to deeply.

      I have also accepted no-one can 100% know what I feel, or know what I need.

      Any mental health professional who has not endured complex trauma, cannot understand it and will be relying on textbook psychology, their own assumptions, judgments and what they have seen to the capacity level they are at.

      I don’t expect my doctor, or anyone to understand me, anymore. How can they? It would be unreasonable for me to expect that.

      My former counselllr believed strongly in my capacity to be a trauma counsellor in the future, due to my deep insight and capacity to work out and understand others. My doctor agreed.

      I am not healed enough myself for that, but I see the gifts I have that would certainly lead to strong counselling skills for trauma survivors.

      Personal experience, tops any other level of understanding.