No, I won’t be ‘nice’ to people who hurt me, or hurt others anymore.

My whole life I have been nice to people, even when they have hurt me, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

I’m still being told that’s what I should do, by Christians, who think this is wisdom.

It isn’t wisdom, it is apathy, choosing an easy life, not wanting to rock the boat.

Did Jesus act ‘nicely’ to everyone? No He didn’t. So, no I won’t listen to other ‘Christians’ who fail to see what Jesus modelled.

I’m not here to be like other Christians, I am here to be more like Jesus.

Jesus chucked people out of temples, when dealing with the adulterous woman being treated badly – He stated the truth and the temple emptied, He got angry many times, He said ‘get behind me Satan’ when people made a choice to do wrong/sin/evil. When doing this, He was dealing with reality, dealing with it appropriately. He wasn’t apathetic.

I’m not Jesus, for from, never will be perfect Jesus, but I see how He modelled for us to live our life.

I get told in counselling, I have to treat people who have hurt me, harmed me, let me down, betrayed me, abused me – as though they are human beings and be nice to them. Apparently, that is meant to be compassion and love.

Well, you know what that does? Enables them. Tells them their behaviour is okay. That is choosing evil. That is not doing anything to try any reduce abuse and sin. So, it is not spiritual wisdom.

I am thankful to be able to help people in the way I do.

I post onto my Facebook community page a few hours ago.

Never under-estimate the value of peer support.

Zoning in and out..craving more dissociation…drinking alcohol.

My husband always knows, that when I am quiet, it isn’t good.

I’m quiet a lot more lately.

I struggled at my counselling appointment today, to stay focussed, to engage, I managed but it was a big effort. It was okay, discussed stuff that I already know. I guess it validates seeing the appropriate nods and agreeing of the things I say. Didn’t discuss any of the past trauma stuff, which I just feel like is never going to happen.

I’m starting not to care anymore anyway.

Been dissociating a lot lately.

I know, it’s not a good sign, but, it is what it is.

I’m also drinking alcohol a lot more than I should. It helps me relax.

There’s a part of me, that is past caring what is healthy anymore.

I actually crave dissociating completely. Being drunk. Clubbing. It worked and I did have relief from the pain.

I shouldn’t be craving that, but, it is what it is.

Everyone wants to numb the pain. I’m sick of being strong and just dealing with it.

Right now, I truly just want to say ‘fuck it’ and go and get drunk. Lie on the floor and watch the room spin.

Sometimes, I have to see the funny side of things…

Talked today to my doctor about self esteem and accepting ‘nice’ things said to me..

I’m screwed, seriously screwed!!!

Between;

~ My triggers about anyone saying anything nice to me, triggering fear due to so much abuse and grooming where being ‘nice’ to me was a trap…

~ To my complete hypervigilance of wanting to work out if there is a different reason someone is saying something good about me, like are they feeling sorry for me, are they lying, are they just looking for someone to stroke their ego back, what do they want from me etc…

~ My 43 years of absolute lack of self esteem and self worth due to so many people cutting that belief deeper and deeper into my soul through so much severe abuse, by so many people, over so much time, decades…

~ To my paranoia about becoming a big fat narcissist, with a big fat ego, which I see in others and really dislike and will do ‘anything’ to avoid…

Hey, I am screwed…!!!

How the hell am I supposed to negotiate that lot!

Yep, screwed.

Lol!

I have to laugh sometimes….the opposite is too painful.

But, at least I am aware of all this. It is good insight and understanding of what I am dealing with, why and what I do NOT want to become.

Been homesick for this, my entire life.

To have a heart that isn’t filled with so much pain.

To have anyone understand my soul. I accept, this is not going to happen.

It isn’t reality. Painful. But, I need to accept it.

The homesick part, is because I have never had a home, where I am understood, where I belong.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, never have. I don’t ‘belong’ in this society I live in. I think it is partly self abandoning, which I read about in Pete Walkers book.

I dream daily, about my home with Jesus, in the future, where I will have an eternal home and feel no more pain.

It’s the ultimate ‘something to look forward to’.

I have to be okay, with no-one ‘getting me’. I really am, on my own.

It has become very clear to me lately, that my need for someone, anyone, to understand me, is great. I’ve been seeking that, my entire life.

But, no-one will.

My life has been too complex, for anyone to understand who I am. And I can’t expect anyone to, not my husband, not my doctor, not anyone.

They can’t. They haven’t lived my life. They haven’t endured all the pain. Their understanding is limited by their own lives, their own personal life experiences, which are different to mine. No-one understands what they haven’t personally endured.

It is unfair of me, to expect anyone, to understand me, except Jesus.

But, everyone needs a person, someone to talk to, who verbally speaks backs understanding.

I will never have that, in my earthly lifetime.

Another Lana Del Rey video, I relate to, too well.

Not so much the words, but as always her videos.

The slowed down parts, where she is with the older man, how it’s almost in a hazy, dissociated state, triggers past memories, where I really believed I was in love with a psychopath, who was 25 years older, who had groomed me for a couple of years, into a period of severe suffering, abuse, torture, and he did end up in prison.

I had to do whatever he demanded, to survive. I was a teenager. An already abused, fragile girl. A previous girlfriend ended up dead, and it made to look like an accident, I have proof of that.

The guy in the video, the expressions on his face – way too familiar. The way he pulls her chin around.

Yuck!

Lana definitely relates to older men issues. Daddy issues. I get it.

I’m still dealing with it. Still having nightmares about it.