I have absolutely given up on the hope of ever having people in my life, friends, who accept my past, my Complex PTSD, and do not hurt me, as a result.
I do get it. Most people don’t understand my life, or what I deal with daily. They can’t. And they don’t have to. Why should they? They don’t want nasty trauma stuff infiltrating their lives. They don’t want to have to think about someone feeing suicidal. I get it. I don’t blame them. They want nice, comfortable lives. That is okay.
I don’t want this fucked up shit in my life either.
So, as I am now in a position, where I cannot take anymore hurt about this, as I am dealing with a life threatening disorder, I do not intend to tell anyone, ever again.
I tried, twice with different churches and church people, and got burned. Some intentional, some not.
But their ‘intentions’ does not matter. It is the effect on me that matters. And the effect, can be life threatening.
It doesn’t matter that they didn’t ‘mean’ to hurt me. The fact is they did and it makes me suicidal. End of. No that’s not their fault at all, but that doesn’t matter either.
I’m not throwing myself under the bus anymore.
I’ve been hurt too much, by too many. And the cumulative damage is beyond my capacity to endure.
I get it’s not text book psychology advice – that focusses on finding support that does accept you for all of who you are.
But, that is not reality. That is rose coloured glasses viewing of society being people who can have more insight and compassion, than most are capable of. Or assuming I can handle any hurt and suddenly not feel it anymore. Not reality either.
I know some people do find this kind of support – and I am deeply thankful for that, it is the best outcome. And I am so happy for people who have good support.
And I have tried.
I am done trying.
So, when I am ready, I will get back out there, I will probably volunteer somewhere as that is important to me, get to know people and they will believe I am just some woman, who is a bit kooky sometimes, just like everyone else in the past thought. Life was easier then. Continue reading →
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