Am I just perpetuating the psychological/emotional abuse from my family?

A post to my page today, that I have no doubt, is part of my ongoing issues…

I wonder sometimes, if I don’t ‘allow’ myself anywhere near enough ‘good’ in my life, because I still subconsciously do not believe I deserve it.

Intellectually, I can talk about all the reasons I do deserve good in my life, how none of the abuse was my fault and I absolutely know that.

But, intellectual knowledge and understanding, is not enough.

It needs to reach the subconscious, reach the heart and soul.

I sometimes wonder if I am just continuing and perpetuating the shame, harm and abuse my family started and they continued, for 40 years of my life, until I cut them off.

Maybe I heard so much, and was treated for so long (by too many abusers) in a way that said I am worthless and that anything good for me was wrong, that subconsciously, I still believe that.

Do this resonate with you?

If it does, please know, complex trauma, is a massively challenging and multi-layered disorder and what we are dealing with, is normal for what we have endured.

Shame and guilt, still issues. But, at least I know.

I think I have hit the nail on the head tonight.

Shame and guilt, which are huge issues for all complex trauma survivors.

I still have them, which probably adds to my ongoing nightmares, depression and then in turn PTSD issues and emotional flashbacks.

This is another of those ‘I can explain it all intellectually’, but I can’t feel it in my heart and soul’ issues.

I’m too tired and too emotional to write anymore about that.

I’m waiting for my husband to go to work, so I drink beer.

I am going to have to say in counselling that I can’t deal with current stuff, I need to deal with this past stuff, or it is never going to get dealt with.

No more talking about Tony Abbott, or internet trolls, or churches, or the state of society etc.

Deal with the real issues screwing my life up.

Not following the Rolf Harris court case. I have shame about not reporting a paedophile.

I follow all the news about (alleged) paedophiles/child sex offenders, that end up convicted ones like Robert Hughes, Max Clifford, Daniel Morcombe’s killer.

But, I just can’t do it anymore. Well not at the moment.

My head fills with all this pain for their victims and my heart hurts for them, deeply.

It brings back too many memories of dealing with paedophile sexual abuse myself.

I feel guilty, because these victims need supporting.

I think some of my guilt, is because I didn’t report the paedophile who abused me and my sister. I should have. I could have stopped him hurting other children. He’s dead now, he died not long before I moved out of the country.

I had 15 years, between the age of 20, to 35, to go to the police and I didn’t, because I was trying so hard to suppress it all.

I wish I had reported him. I have asked God for forgiveness, because I know, I should of. I know as a child, it wasn’t my responsibility, but as an adult, I should have.

I know I feel shame about this, because I have nightmares about it.

I’m angry and disappointed at myself. I wish I could go back and change it. I wonder how many other children got hurt, because I failed to step up and report him officially.

I feel like I let other children down.

And I feel like not supporting other victims, who do have the courage to step up and report their abusers, means I am failing them too.

I am thankful there are some incredibly strong, courageous victims, who do report their abusers, to try and make life safer for other children. they are hero’s and I support them 100%.

I know I failed badly in this myself and I don’t make excuses for my failures. And I have remorse. I should have done something.

I am in such a foul mood.

I don’t even really know why.

I’m tired. Exhausted. But, that’s normal.

I’m having my normal levels of PTSD symptoms.

It’s not the ‘wrong time of the month’. (Sorry any men reading).

I’m angry. Fed up. Depressed. Over dealing with Complex PTSD.

Lurking underneath this foul mood are tears, and I don’t know why that is either.

I’m irritating myself with my bad mood now.

*sigh.

I need to think about something good, something nice.

I ‘need’ to get off this laptop.

I ‘need’ to stop whinging and do something productive.

The term ‘rape’ isn’t PC anymore, in our ‘abuse minimizing’, ‘victim blaming’ society.

Victim blaming, minimizing abuse, enabling abusers….the list goes on…

About how our increasingly unhealthy society, wishes to minimize abuse and not want those who commit abuse, to be accountable fully, for their actions.

The term ‘rape’ isn’t PC anymore, we are now meant to say ‘non consensual sex’. Sounds ‘nicer’ doesn’t it. Sounds less ‘yucky’ doesn’t it.

Please.

Rape is what it is. It’s nothing to do with sex.

It’s abuse. Not sex.

I agree and support the ‘not asking for it’ movement.

Society believes we need to teach what not to wear…

Instead of teaching ‘do not rape’.

Instead of teaching ‘do not abuse’.

And rape is what it is.

And I am a rape survivor, so I am entitled to my opinion.

I used to like this quote, now I don’t.

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

― Mary Oliver

I used to like this quote. It made me ‘feel’ better about all the pain and abuse. That’s the purpose of the quote, to make you feel better. Put a positive spin on all the bad.

What this quote does, is say evil – abuse – is okay. To say child abuse, child sexual abuse, is okay – a gift. No it isn’t.

To call abuse a ‘gift’ – is celebrating evil.

I don’t do that, my faith had progressed further now.

I celebrate God for helping me endure the evil, that was in NO way a gift, and helping me to create strength, courage and insight and a heart to help others.

I will never celebrate evil, never thank abusers, never condone abuse.

God never ‘gives’ us evil to endure. Evil and sinful people do that.

Future friends, will know nothing about my past, or my complex PTSD.

I have absolutely given up on the hope of ever having people in my life, friends, who accept my past, my Complex PTSD, and do not hurt me, as a result.

I do get it. Most people don’t understand my life, or what I deal with daily. They can’t. And they don’t have to. Why should they? They don’t want nasty trauma stuff infiltrating their lives. They don’t want to have to think about someone feeing suicidal. I get it. I don’t blame them. They want nice, comfortable lives. That is okay.

I don’t want this fucked up shit in my life either.

So, as I am now in a position, where I cannot take anymore hurt about this, as I am dealing with a life threatening disorder, I do not intend to tell anyone, ever again.

I tried, twice with different churches and church people, and got burned. Some intentional, some not.

But their ‘intentions’ does not matter. It is the effect on me that matters. And the effect, can be life threatening.

It doesn’t matter that they didn’t ‘mean’ to hurt me. The fact is they did and it makes me suicidal. End of. No that’s not their fault at all, but that doesn’t matter either.

I’m not throwing myself under the bus anymore.

I’ve been hurt too much, by too many. And the cumulative damage is beyond my capacity to endure.

I get it’s not text book psychology advice – that focusses on finding support that does accept you for all of who you are.

But, that is not reality. That is rose coloured glasses viewing of society being people who can have more insight and compassion, than most are capable of. Or assuming I can handle any hurt and suddenly not feel it anymore. Not reality either.

I know some people do find this kind of support – and I am deeply thankful for that, it is the best outcome. And I am so happy for people who have good support.

And I have tried.

I am done trying.

So, when I am ready, I will get back out there, I will probably volunteer somewhere as that is important to me, get to know people and they will believe I am just some woman, who is a bit kooky sometimes, just like everyone else in the past thought. Life was easier then.