A post to my page today, that I have no doubt, is part of my ongoing issues…
I wonder sometimes, if I don’t ‘allow’ myself anywhere near enough ‘good’ in my life, because I still subconsciously do not believe I deserve it.
Intellectually, I can talk about all the reasons I do deserve good in my life, how none of the abuse was my fault and I absolutely know that.
But, intellectual knowledge and understanding, is not enough.
It needs to reach the subconscious, reach the heart and soul.
I sometimes wonder if I am just continuing and perpetuating the shame, harm and abuse my family started and they continued, for 40 years of my life, until I cut them off.
Maybe I heard so much, and was treated for so long (by too many abusers) in a way that said I am worthless and that anything good for me was wrong, that subconsciously, I still believe that.
Do this resonate with you?
If it does, please know, complex trauma, is a massively challenging and multi-layered disorder and what we are dealing with, is normal for what we have endured.