Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Future friends, will know nothing about my past, or my complex PTSD.

I have absolutely given up on the hope of ever having people in my life, friends, who accept my past, my Complex PTSD, and do not hurt me, as a result.

I do get it. Most people don’t understand my life, or what I deal with daily. They can’t. And they don’t have to. Why should they? They don’t want nasty trauma stuff infiltrating their lives. They don’t want to have to think about someone feeing suicidal. I get it. I don’t blame them. They want nice, comfortable lives. That is okay.

I don’t want this fucked up shit in my life either.

So, as I am now in a position, where I cannot take anymore hurt about this, as I am dealing with a life threatening disorder, I do not intend to tell anyone, ever again.

I tried, twice with different churches and church people, and got burned. Some intentional, some not.

But their ‘intentions’ does not matter. It is the effect on me that matters. And the effect, can be life threatening.

It doesn’t matter that they didn’t ‘mean’ to hurt me. The fact is they did and it makes me suicidal. End of. No that’s not their fault at all, but that doesn’t matter either.

I’m not throwing myself under the bus anymore.

I’ve been hurt too much, by too many. And the cumulative damage is beyond my capacity to endure.

I get it’s not text book psychology advice – that focusses on finding support that does accept you for all of who you are.

But, that is not reality. That is rose coloured glasses viewing of society being people who can have more insight and compassion, than most are capable of. Or assuming I can handle any hurt and suddenly not feel it anymore. Not reality either.

I know some people do find this kind of support – and I am deeply thankful for that, it is the best outcome. And I am so happy for people who have good support.

And I have tried.

I am done trying.

So, when I am ready, I will get back out there, I will probably volunteer somewhere as that is important to me, get to know people and they will believe I am just some woman, who is a bit kooky sometimes, just like everyone else in the past thought. Life was easier then.

I’ve done it before, for a really long time and it was okay.

My doctor says she doesn’t want me to give up on what she thinks I need. I get it, she thinks the best will work out. * sigh. But, she’s not the one dealing with severe complex PTSD and scared to death, of feeling suicidal and having children who may end up with no mother.

I’m done with people telling me how to live my life and making me feel shame, because I can’t live up to their expectations.

I will take their advice, assess it’s validity, it’s place in the reality of my life and decide whether to take it or not.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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