Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Is it okay for me to be really honest & say some days, I would rather be dead, than dealing with all this.

I am a strong person, I know that. I couldn’t have survived all I have, if I wasn’t.

But, there are days, often, where I wish I could either be back to where I was 5 years ago, or dead.

Five years ago, I blamed myself for a lot of the abuse. That was easier for me, than dealing with all I know now.

Five years ago, I didn’t feel this huge burden of knowing and seeing the extent of all the abuse and harm that goes on in this world and hurt so deeply, for all these people.

Five years ago, I didn’t understand the extent of all the abuse that had happened to me, because suppressing it was easier.

Five years ago, I still had this little bit of hope in me, that my mother loved me. Now, that is gone.

Five years ago, I had a life, albeit not a perfect one by far, but I had a life, friends, went out, had fun, lived. Now I’m not living, I’m limping from one day to the next.

Five years ago, I believed in living life as best you can, ‘getting on with it’, and I did. I was society’s idea of strong. I tried so hard. It made my life worse. So, now I have no choice, now I can’t, because the crippling grief, depression and severe PTSD symptoms, mean I don’t have a life anymore.

I’m not living anymore.

I’m existing.

In a world of dissociation, of endless ways of trying to numb the pain, that is far greater now, than it was for 2 decades prior to that.

I am bluntly honest, that if it wasn’t for my children, I know I would not be here.

Is it wrong, that I just want to die and go and be with Jesus?

Do I have to be everyone else’s idea and opinion of strong every day and live up to their expectations?

Is it okay to say, the pain of all I have endured and all I continue to endure, is so great, I cannot cope and I am doing the best I can, which is not great I know.

Many people commit suicide due to less than I have endured. I don’t consider them to be weak. I have great compassion for them. I understand needing the pain to end.

And I know many people have endured more than I have, and are stronger than me and I truly am deeply thankful for that and very proud of them. They are amazing.

But, is it okay for me to say, I can’t be that strong every day?

Is it okay for me to say, these nightmares and intrusive thoughts and emotions I feel, are so painful, I would rather be dead?

Is it okay for me to say, the aloneness I feel is crippling and no I can’t cope with it?

Is it okay, if I don’t barf up positivity to suit everyone else’s needs? Continue reading


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I can now verbalise in counselling, words I couldn’t 6 months ago. Progress.

While talking in my last counselling session, I said the word ‘rape’.

I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago.

Getting certain words out, verbally have been understandably very difficult.

I’ve had a very common habit of skirting around certain words, which is to minimize it myself, to cope.

So, this is progress and right now, I’ll take any progress I can see and hold onto it.

I used the word ‘rape’ in relation to Cardinal Pell and his need to minimize the abuse that occurs within the Catholic church, with him saying ‘he doesn’t like the term child sexual abuse, it’s ugly’. My response to that is ‘okay lets call it what it really is then ‘child rape’.

And I actually voiced this. And used ‘that’ word.

I have written it many times here in my blog. Written a poem about it.

But, writing is always so much easier than verbalising it.

I’ve always been better at non verbal communication, which is weird, considering I talk too much.

Its why I was considered so good at ballet. Not just excellent technical ability, but the ability to express a story and a full range of emotions – with my body and facial expressions, and no words.

It’s why I write better than I can verbally express.

But, the ability to actually say things and not be squirming in my seat, is progress.

I’m going to write that again.

PROGRESS!!!

🙂


Shop, music, triggers, tears & hives. On my son’s Birthday.

I would much rather never go out again. But I know I have to, so I make myself.

I have a huge emotional connection to this song at the moment.

Went to the shop, was in one of those big cheap shops, and the song came on.

First time I have heard it outside of my home and I immediately choked up, tightness in my chest….fighting back the tears, tried to find my husband, who had disappeared looking at blokey stuff. Continue reading


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The legal system, that enables paedophiles to re-offend.

I wrote a blog about feeling very guilty for not reporting the paedophile that abused me and my sister, to the police, once I was an adult.

A few people stated, even if I had, he probably would have done a very minimal sentence and then been let out and would continue re-offending, as 99% of them do.

And they are right.

So, really if I had reported him, it would not have helped much, in stopping other children getting hurt. Which would be my motivation, to stop other children getting hurt.

How deeply, morally wrong is it, that we have a legal system, that creates this.

Paedophiles, repeat sex offenders, repeat rapists, repeat child abusers – whatever the hell is the PC word to call them (who cares what’s PC), know they can keep on doing it, and receive very little consequences, so have no real incentive to stop.

These people are right, it would have had little effect. He has already abused two children, and I doubt very much we were the first victims.

It’s not exactly a system that encourages victims to come forward. Not unless they can afford good barristers, which of course, is only for the rich people.

Your average person, like I was, would go through all the stress of a police investigation and for what? He probably would of got a suspended sentence, or a minimal jail term, halved for ‘good behaviour’. Maybe a few months, tops.
Continue reading


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I feel ‘scared/fear’ when I am not using my ‘freeze’ trauma response.

I have identified, I am increasingly using my trauma response freeze typology, of zoning out, using my laptop, music, TV, wanting alcohol etc.

I am aware, I need to manage this. Now, I am a strong person, I am not weak, so why am I not managing this better?

I know why.

I feel fear, scared when I don’t zone out, escape.

I can intellectually tell myself how irrational that is, but I still feel it.

I could think this an emotional flashback, but it cannot be as it is continual and worsening and for months now.

Its why when I have go out, I often get hives.

It’s why my PTSD symptoms are increased when I have to go out.

I have this deep irrational sense of fear and no clue what to do about it.

The only way it stops, is when I dissociate, numb, force distraction, use my need to escape the reality of my life, escape the fear and all the memories I endure.