Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I feel ‘scared/fear’ when I am not using my ‘freeze’ trauma response.

8 Comments

I have identified, I am increasingly using my trauma response freeze typology, of zoning out, using my laptop, music, TV, wanting alcohol etc.

I am aware, I need to manage this. Now, I am a strong person, I am not weak, so why am I not managing this better?

I know why.

I feel fear, scared when I don’t zone out, escape.

I can intellectually tell myself how irrational that is, but I still feel it.

I could think this an emotional flashback, but it cannot be as it is continual and worsening and for months now.

Its why when I have go out, I often get hives.

It’s why my PTSD symptoms are increased when I have to go out.

I have this deep irrational sense of fear and no clue what to do about it.

The only way it stops, is when I dissociate, numb, force distraction, use my need to escape the reality of my life, escape the fear and all the memories I endure.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “I feel ‘scared/fear’ when I am not using my ‘freeze’ trauma response.

  1. My PTSD has been manifesting as a choking feeling and night panics. When I go out, my anxiety has me getting ‘tunnel vision.’ But even though our experiences are not the same, nothing could be closer to the truth than when you mention the escapism. I want to escape in distraction of my emotions, my guilt/shame, sadness and anger (barring that, I self-harm). Because every time I was yelled at growing up, I went to my imagination. It was the only safe place.

    • Well, PTSD is not exactly right. More like C-PTSD. But not all therapists subscribe to using such labels. And the physical manifestions have been more about the aftermath of my acceptance of having been raped (5 months after the incident) and just generally being more aware of my anxiety as well.

  2. I really love your posts. The descriptions of your experiences are so eloquent. How long have you been in recovery? I have always felt these the things you describe but I have never been able to describe these feelings as articulate.

  3. I have a difficult time clicking on like for this as I am sorry you feel this way, for what it is worth I think you do others a service by sharing your experience as it parallels what millions of people struggling post trauma endure on a daily basis.

  4. Completely resonated…I just found something I need to dig deeper into to heal. “Zoning out” is a problem for me too. I knew I had the freeze response, but I had not thought of this as one of them…brilliant! “Earth to Mommy” is something I hear more often than I’d like….need to pinpoint those triggers. Thank you for continuing to write and share!

  5. I came to this site today because I have been going thru some stuff. As usual I can relate to what you write. Thank you. I dont feel so alone. Went back to therapy, had a great, not easy session, and cried all the way home. Could feel my leg muscles tighten during the drive. Ate comfort food, which turned into a binge. Went to bed and cried some more. Spent most of the day curled up in bed. Had to leave the house to do an errand and had some flashbacks. Attempted deep breathing. Main concern was safety. Still is. Dealt with some issues, still am feeling the residual . Lonely, sad, and strong need to keep safe, even from feelings. Todays goal is to be gentle with my self talk and to not beat myself up for eating too much and staying in bed. Writing this is taking a large risk right now.

  6. For 4 years I have been studying, reading, neurology regarding trama ,investigating all these trama and responses I have delt with for hours every day. . I could never put into words the way you do…I do not think you realize how intelligent you really are. !!Seriously ! Have you taken the Mensa test online yet.

    • I did an online Mensa test a few years ago and it came out at a score of 130.
      Mensa only evaluates one area of intelligence, and not the areas I value of self insight, empathy, honesty etc.
      It doesn’t measure EQ and when I do tests that measure those, my score is higher.
      But, I do have more to learn and more wisdom to seek and that will be a lifelong journey for me.
      I am thankful I can express my journey in a way others relate, and helps in some way.