I am a strong person, I know that. I couldn’t have survived all I have, if I wasn’t.
But, there are days, often, where I wish I could either be back to where I was 5 years ago, or dead.
Five years ago, I blamed myself for a lot of the abuse. That was easier for me, than dealing with all I know now.
Five years ago, I didn’t feel this huge burden of knowing and seeing the extent of all the abuse and harm that goes on in this world and hurt so deeply, for all these people.
Five years ago, I didn’t understand the extent of all the abuse that had happened to me, because suppressing it was easier.
Five years ago, I still had this little bit of hope in me, that my mother loved me. Now, that is gone.
Five years ago, I had a life, albeit not a perfect one by far, but I had a life, friends, went out, had fun, lived. Now I’m not living, I’m limping from one day to the next.
Five years ago, I believed in living life as best you can, ‘getting on with it’, and I did. I was society’s idea of strong. I tried so hard. It made my life worse. So, now I have no choice, now I can’t, because the crippling grief, depression and severe PTSD symptoms, mean I don’t have a life anymore.
I’m not living anymore.
In a world of dissociation, of endless ways of trying to numb the pain, that is far greater now, than it was for 2 decades prior to that.
I am bluntly honest, that if it wasn’t for my children, I know I would not be here.
Is it wrong, that I just want to die and go and be with Jesus?
Do I have to be everyone else’s idea and opinion of strong every day and live up to their expectations?
Is it okay to say, the pain of all I have endured and all I continue to endure, is so great, I cannot cope and I am doing the best I can, which is not great I know.
Many people commit suicide due to less than I have endured. I don’t consider them to be weak. I have great compassion for them. I understand needing the pain to end.
And I know many people have endured more than I have, and are stronger than me and I truly am deeply thankful for that and very proud of them. They are amazing.
But, is it okay for me to say, I can’t be that strong every day?
Is it okay for me to say, these nightmares and intrusive thoughts and emotions I feel, are so painful, I would rather be dead?
Is it okay for me to say, the aloneness I feel is crippling and no I can’t cope with it?
Is it okay, if I don’t barf up positivity to suit everyone else’s needs?
Is it okay, for me to be real about how I feel?
Is it okay, that I am not okay?
Is it okay, for me to be whatever society wants to term it as ‘acting like a victim, dwelling, weak, pathetic’…and whatever else society wants to label me as.
Is it okay, to say I am thinking about suicide, because suicide ideation is a way of coping?
Is it okay to say, I am really worried, that one day, I will do it and I feel deep deep shame about that, because I have children and I would never want to cause them any trauma in their lives.
Is it okay, for me to be really honest, here on my own blog?