Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Is it okay for me to be really honest & say some days, I would rather be dead, than dealing with all this.

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I am a strong person, I know that. I couldn’t have survived all I have, if I wasn’t.

But, there are days, often, where I wish I could either be back to where I was 5 years ago, or dead.

Five years ago, I blamed myself for a lot of the abuse. That was easier for me, than dealing with all I know now.

Five years ago, I didn’t feel this huge burden of knowing and seeing the extent of all the abuse and harm that goes on in this world and hurt so deeply, for all these people.

Five years ago, I didn’t understand the extent of all the abuse that had happened to me, because suppressing it was easier.

Five years ago, I still had this little bit of hope in me, that my mother loved me. Now, that is gone.

Five years ago, I had a life, albeit not a perfect one by far, but I had a life, friends, went out, had fun, lived. Now I’m not living, I’m limping from one day to the next.

Five years ago, I believed in living life as best you can, ‘getting on with it’, and I did. I was society’s idea of strong. I tried so hard. It made my life worse. So, now I have no choice, now I can’t, because the crippling grief, depression and severe PTSD symptoms, mean I don’t have a life anymore.

I’m not living anymore.

I’m existing.

In a world of dissociation, of endless ways of trying to numb the pain, that is far greater now, than it was for 2 decades prior to that.

I am bluntly honest, that if it wasn’t for my children, I know I would not be here.

Is it wrong, that I just want to die and go and be with Jesus?

Do I have to be everyone else’s idea and opinion of strong every day and live up to their expectations?

Is it okay to say, the pain of all I have endured and all I continue to endure, is so great, I cannot cope and I am doing the best I can, which is not great I know.

Many people commit suicide due to less than I have endured. I don’t consider them to be weak. I have great compassion for them. I understand needing the pain to end.

And I know many people have endured more than I have, and are stronger than me and I truly am deeply thankful for that and very proud of them. They are amazing.

But, is it okay for me to say, I can’t be that strong every day?

Is it okay for me to say, these nightmares and intrusive thoughts and emotions I feel, are so painful, I would rather be dead?

Is it okay for me to say, the aloneness I feel is crippling and no I can’t cope with it?

Is it okay, if I don’t barf up positivity to suit everyone else’s needs?

Is it okay, for me to be real about how I feel?

Is it okay, that I am not okay?

Is it okay, for me to be whatever society wants to term it as ‘acting like a victim, dwelling, weak, pathetic’…and whatever else society wants to label me as.

Is it okay, to say I am thinking about suicide, because suicide ideation is a way of coping?

Is it okay to say, I am really worried, that one day, I will do it and I feel deep deep shame about that, because I have children and I would never want to cause them any trauma in their lives.

Is it okay, for me to be really honest, here on my own blog?

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

10 thoughts on “Is it okay for me to be really honest & say some days, I would rather be dead, than dealing with all this.

  1. It’s way more than OK.

    I really appreciated the way you expressed many of the things I’ve felt along my C-PTSD journey as I couldn’t articulate some things.

    I wish respite for you. Peace. Solitude. Healing.

    • Thank you. I appreciate your reply.

      I’ve had people telling me what I can and cannot think, what I can and cannot feel, all my life and it’s still going on.

      • Ugh. I understand that very well. I got to the point where I couldn’t trust that I was thinking/feeling what I wanted to think/feel and I got stuck. I’d say I’m only kinda sorta getting more toward the unstuck direction but it’s something. Small wins count, especially when that’s all one has available. Backsliding happens. [ugh too…] Keep going.

  2. OMG it is soooo ok! I am so grateful that there is someone else just like me. Someone who feels just like me. Someone who is experiencing all the same things like me. The only thing keeping me alive are my pets. I made a commitment to them. I want to crawl out of my skin because I can’t stand the feeling that nobody wants to touch me. The affection deficiency is debilitating. I too had a life with the job, the clothes, the apartment in the best zip code and now I’m on social security and living at my moms house. I lost my mind being alone and so depressed and attempted sucked but my cat started freaking out which was not like her. She was scratching at the door meowing really loud. I had an HDMI cable around my neck hanging hanging from the shower rod. I want you to know that you are not alone in this world. I am here on the same path with you. I will hold your hand if you will hold mine.

    • I am so deeply sorry you feel this way too, because I know how terrible it is.

      I have attempted suicide, as in really wanted to end it – several times and have suffered suicide ideation for long periods of time, in the past and now particularly over the last year, and it has been worsening.

      I truly understand how painful this is.

      Yes, I will hold your hand and thank you for this.

  3. Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:

    This was during some really bad days when I wrote this. It was exactly how I felt that day, as I always write in a vey honest, raw way. When in a lot of emotional pain, overwhelmed with pain, sleep deprived, it can make what is already horrendous to deal with daily, feel even worse. I don’t feel like this every day, but I have self compassion for the days I do and I have compassion that others can feel this way. Our emotions, are valid, real and should not be minimized, or ignored. Severe trauma and severe is abuse, is deeply traumatic and deeply painful and our emotions can continue to be, about it, when suffering PTSD, Complex PTSD. Compassion is needed, always.

  4. What a much needed eye opener and reminder for all those that say “just get over it.” Wow….really thank you.

  5. damn internet took my reply!!

    IT’S MORE THAN OK! its your right to think and feel how you do, no one can tell you how you are meant to think/feel this is emotional abuse!!

    i get it. i was told constantly by my mum that i had to be happy cause it would look bad on her, that i couldn’t think how i did cause it was against the “Christian” ways that my dad was the head of in our village (he’s a vicar), the very people who were abusing me!!!

    some days your going to cope better than others, and its ok!

    i have this little bit of me, a light i call it, that wants to stay here just to F**K off the b**stards that hurt me. i think you have that little bit of fight in you even in the darkest days (sorry if i am wrong). that little bit will grow, i promise.

    Lucy xxxx

  6. Wow. That was intense.

    “I am bluntly honest, that if it wasn’t for my children, I know I would not be here.”

    My hubby committed suicide almost 2 years ago and I have some very deep abuse issues. I’ve never seriously considered suicide, but I would have sworn he hadn’t either. I’ve tried to think about it, to think what suicide is really about. I read your sentence and suddenly knew, without a doubt, that it was true for me too. If it weren’t for my son, I’d be dead. Absolutely. I’m still not safe.