Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I do understand that people don’t ‘get it’. But, that makes it worse.

I am very aware that no-one who hasn’t been a complex trauma survivor can understand it. Not truly.

Yes, there are trauma experts who get it more than most, and great counsellors who can try, but unless you have lived the pain of severe complex trauma, particularly as a child, then you don’t get it. And that’s okay, it’s just how it is. But the problem to me, is all the invalidating and hurtful things that get said, that hurt me more.

Pete Walker – a counsellor in US, ‘gets it’ on a level that if he were my counsellor, I would trust him a little more.

Now he is a complex trauma survivor that had prolonged physical abuse as a child, so he ‘gets’ a lot of the emotional abandonment stuff and the inner/outer critic stuff, that resonates with me deeply.

If I were to find a counsellor, who has had severe complex trauma, that has had child sexual abuse, plus captivity abuse with a psychopath, then I think I would really be hearing from someone who ‘gets it’.

I am an empath, and I can put myself in the shoes of people who have suffered, even abusers and feel their lives through their eyes, hearts, minds, but even so – I know I am not feeling ‘all’ they are feeling.

And I know I am an empath, because I have suffered so greatly, that I can understand and know that deep pain.

People who don’t who deep severe pain and aloneness, don’t get it.

There is a line in a Lana Del Rey song, where she says..

“There is no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what’s it’s like to seek safety in other people, where your home is wherever you lay your hat”.

People who know safety, don’t understand not having safety. People who have never had a home – which is not about the physical aspects of a home, it’s about the feeling of belonging – don’t know how that feels. People who don’t know fear and seeking it from people and getting hurt over and over, do not understand how that feels. Continue reading

Tony Abbott has reached an all time low in my opinion of him.

I am trying to avoid politics, but this came up in my newsfeed.

So Tony has withdrawn $4 million from the Royal Commission Into Child Sexual Abuse.

Of course child sexual abuse victims don’t matter to him.

Tony supports paedophile priests and paedophile protectors/enablers, like his mate Cardinal Pell.

It is blatantly obvious to me that Tony lacks empathy, amongst his many other dark triad traits.

When you have the PM not caring about child sexual abuse, it says it all.

And of course, he is such a perfect example of a Christian for Australia too.

But, all the middle class and upper class apath, selfish minions love him.

So that’s the poor, sick, ill, disabled, elderly, school children, and now child sexual abuse victims affected negatively by Tony Abbott.

I don’t understand what is going on in this world, I really don’t.

I feel like I must be in a horrible reality show, where I am the only one who doesn’t know this is actually all made up, a big joke.

I want someone to come a long and tell me, this is all fake, or I want to wake up and know this is all one big huge bad dream.

It can’t be real what goes on, that so many people enable, ignore, don’t care about.

Can it?

I feel like I am having this surreal detachment from this world, from this society. Like I am not part of it really. Here is body, but nothing else.


I fake positivity for my family, for my children, in counselling.

I don’t want my family to see me cry and be sad, so I fake it for them. I love them.

I don’t want my children to grow up with a depressed mother, so I fake it for them. I love them.

I don’t want my doctor to think I am weak and pathetic, so I fake any positivity I can. I nod along with whatever she says. I can’t verbalise what I am thinking. Nodding along, saying what she wants to hear. She wants me leave her room, thinking she has helped me and I am okay.

So, faking it, is what I am doing.

I read out my last blog to my husband today, whilst crying and he just didn’t know what to do and said nothing. What can he say really.

Now I feel guilty. I wish I had just kept it to myself. My husband didn’t sign up for this, I know it isn’t fair on him.

I feel guilty I am wasting my doctors time. I know she doesn’t really want me on her books. She has more important things to do. I have to stop going, I know that.

I can’t tell anyone how I really feel, because I am scared of the outcome, I feel shame and guilt about it.

It’s always been this way.

I have go along with what other people want/need, because the alternative is worse.

I feel guilty for burdening people with my problems, that I don’t have the strength to sort out.