I am very aware that no-one who hasn’t been a complex trauma survivor can understand it. Not truly.
Yes, there are trauma experts who get it more than most, and great counsellors who can try, but unless you have lived the pain of severe complex trauma, particularly as a child, then you don’t get it. And that’s okay, it’s just how it is. But the problem to me, is all the invalidating and hurtful things that get said, that hurt me more.
Pete Walker – a counsellor in US, ‘gets it’ on a level that if he were my counsellor, I would trust him a little more.
Now he is a complex trauma survivor that had prolonged physical abuse as a child, so he ‘gets’ a lot of the emotional abandonment stuff and the inner/outer critic stuff, that resonates with me deeply.
If I were to find a counsellor, who has had severe complex trauma, that has had child sexual abuse, plus captivity abuse with a psychopath, then I think I would really be hearing from someone who ‘gets it’.
I am an empath, and I can put myself in the shoes of people who have suffered, even abusers and feel their lives through their eyes, hearts, minds, but even so – I know I am not feeling ‘all’ they are feeling.
And I know I am an empath, because I have suffered so greatly, that I can understand and know that deep pain.
People who don’t who deep severe pain and aloneness, don’t get it.
There is a line in a Lana Del Rey song, where she says..
“There is no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what’s it’s like to seek safety in other people, where your home is wherever you lay your hat”.
People who know safety, don’t understand not having safety. People who have never had a home – which is not about the physical aspects of a home, it’s about the feeling of belonging – don’t know how that feels. People who don’t know fear and seeking it from people and getting hurt over and over, do not understand how that feels.
Pete Walker understands abandonment depression, which is what I feel – every single time someone hurts me, invalidates me, says anything that makes me feel like I am not good enough. I have this constantly, including at counselling.
Pete Walker doesn’t bang on about feeling sorry for abusers and impose forgiveness and all that. He doesn’t talk about how child sex offenders need grief counselling and how severe trauma survivors need to view these deeply abusive people who caused evil in my life.
He would know, that would make someone like me, trust him less.
I guess what I am trying to say here, is I wish I had someone in my life, who gets this, who I could trust.
And, it is okay for me to want that, but I know I won’t.
It is still seeking validation I need, I don’t have and I know that. But, it is a normal human emotional need for everyone and I am not going to feel bad about that.
But, I fully admit, I do not know how to get past it.
It isn’t bad, or evil, or wrong, or pathetic, or weak…that I want something that is a perfectly normal human need in all of us.
And the fact that I don’t and won’t, makes the whole problem, even worse.
It’s more hopelessness, more aloneness.