Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I do understand that people don’t ‘get it’. But, that makes it worse.

3 Comments

I am very aware that no-one who hasn’t been a complex trauma survivor can understand it. Not truly.

Yes, there are trauma experts who get it more than most, and great counsellors who can try, but unless you have lived the pain of severe complex trauma, particularly as a child, then you don’t get it. And that’s okay, it’s just how it is. But the problem to me, is all the invalidating and hurtful things that get said, that hurt me more.

Pete Walker – a counsellor in US, ‘gets it’ on a level that if he were my counsellor, I would trust him a little more.

Now he is a complex trauma survivor that had prolonged physical abuse as a child, so he ‘gets’ a lot of the emotional abandonment stuff and the inner/outer critic stuff, that resonates with me deeply.

If I were to find a counsellor, who has had severe complex trauma, that has had child sexual abuse, plus captivity abuse with a psychopath, then I think I would really be hearing from someone who ‘gets it’.

I am an empath, and I can put myself in the shoes of people who have suffered, even abusers and feel their lives through their eyes, hearts, minds, but even so – I know I am not feeling ‘all’ they are feeling.

And I know I am an empath, because I have suffered so greatly, that I can understand and know that deep pain.

People who don’t who deep severe pain and aloneness, don’t get it.

There is a line in a Lana Del Rey song, where she says..

“There is no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what’s it’s like to seek safety in other people, where your home is wherever you lay your hat”.

People who know safety, don’t understand not having safety. People who have never had a home – which is not about the physical aspects of a home, it’s about the feeling of belonging – don’t know how that feels. People who don’t know fear and seeking it from people and getting hurt over and over, do not understand how that feels.

Pete Walker understands abandonment depression, which is what I feel – every single time someone hurts me, invalidates me, says anything that makes me feel like I am not good enough. I have this constantly, including at counselling.

Pete Walker doesn’t bang on about feeling sorry for abusers and impose forgiveness and all that. He doesn’t talk about how child sex offenders need grief counselling and how severe trauma survivors need to view these deeply abusive people who caused evil in my life.

He would know, that would make someone like me, trust him less.

I guess what I am trying to say here, is I wish I had someone in my life, who gets this, who I could trust.

And, it is okay for me to want that, but I know I won’t.

It is still seeking validation I need, I don’t have and I know that. But, it is a normal human emotional need for everyone and I am not going to feel bad about that.

But, I fully admit, I do not know how to get past it.

It isn’t bad, or evil, or wrong, or pathetic, or weak…that I want something that is a perfectly normal human need in all of us.

And the fact that I don’t and won’t, makes the whole problem, even worse.

It’s more hopelessness, more aloneness.

Terminal aloneness.

Terminal hopelessness.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “I do understand that people don’t ‘get it’. But, that makes it worse.

  1. I’m so sorry you had this experience, but yes, I absolutely do get it. I am that person you are wondering if exists. You say, “If I were to find a counselor, who has had severe complex trauma, that has had child sexual abuse, plus captivity abuse with a psychopath, then I think I would really be hearing from someone who ‘gets it’.”

    I am a counselor, healer, empath, visionary, spiritual teacher who was an MK Ultra trauma-based mind control sex slave for the Masons. I was taken through many years of trauma conditioning to turn me into an obedient sex slave for my Masonic father and his twisted Mason group. It was a special program called “sex kitten training” or “Masonic Virgin” training. I was abused by my father the first day home after being born, so I was 3 days old. My sister witnessed it and told me later. It continued on from there throughout my childhood. My father was a psychopath and pedophile. I believe he probably killed some people too. He was a terrifying figure who was obsessed with me. I had my own personal lifetime stalker. He dominated my childhood and my life for awhile. I finally got him out of my system, but the damage was there. So, yes, I get it.

    Now, after years and years of healing, counseling, meditation and transformation I have emerged whole. I help hundreds of others get back to their whole selves. I am about to publish my first book and have a radio show where I talk about this. I will be opening a healing center for severe trauma recovery as well. But this was no walk in the park. There are very few counselors who even understand this much less can address it. They must have a level of compassion deeper than average because our pain and dysfunction spans a much wider spectrum of suffering than ever before measured on the scale of suffering and psychological disorders. They really don’t get it at all.

    The issue of trust for us is astronomical. It is so galling to hear people make their pat statements like “just let it go”, or “think positively”, or “it’s in the past.”, etc. Of course these things are true, but no one understands the intense damage done at the core level of your being when you are subjected to this kind of torture. You never feel safe; you are hyper-vigilant; you are exhausted all the time. You just can’t “let things go”. When the depression hits, it’s like a tsunami and all functioning goes out the window. Another wave of trauma just surfaced from the ocean of life trauma I’ve swam through and I have to surf it whether I want to “let it go” or not. So shut the fuck up and let me handle my pain how I’ve learned to handle it. You live in your little safe lala land. I never lived there. I lived in a concentration camp with a Nazi torturer. Big difference, so keep your messages to yourself.

    I loved that line from Lana Del Rey. It’s true, we are always seeking safety, a safety that is nowhere to be found because we never knew what it looked like.

    To give you hope, I found my safety in the arms of the Holy Mother Ammachi, the hugging saint. After seeing her the first time, I felt such huge chunks of pain fall away that I’ve never looked back. Since then, more pain gone. I now walk the path of the Divine Mother. I love all those who find their way to me. I heal all those who find their way to me. And yes, I reallly, really, really get you…..

    It’s important to understand what is happening to you. Your old self is being destroyed so a new one can be born. It isn’t any fun. But I can help you with it if you are interested.

    Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need support. Here is my facebook page…https://www.facebook.com/salini.apodaca?ref=tn_tnmn. I also have a radio show where I discuss complex trauma healing. Join me there….

    http://intentionradio.com/emerging-matrix/

  2. What a great idea. Why don’t more people get to be counselors, who have actually been through trauma, themselves? I see that theme a lot in some counselors – the encouragement to forgive – which is a red flag they don’t really understand.

  3. I will not say I understand because I don’t think anyone can understand someones pain. I do understand the feelings of wanting someone in your life who does. I think we all want that. I’ve survided complex trauma and feel many of the emotions in my marriage. For me the fear of abandoment may never go away. Tonight my husband and I exchanged a few words, the first thing out of my mouth. I’ll pack my things while your gone next week. We’ve been married 13 years. It still makes having a relationship hard. I want a hug but I can’t give a hug. It’s hard for most to understand. I hope you find a therapist who can relate and relieve some of your pain.