Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I fake positivity for my family, for my children, in counselling.

11 Comments

I don’t want my family to see me cry and be sad, so I fake it for them. I love them.

I don’t want my children to grow up with a depressed mother, so I fake it for them. I love them.

I don’t want my doctor to think I am weak and pathetic, so I fake any positivity I can. I nod along with whatever she says. I can’t verbalise what I am thinking. Nodding along, saying what she wants to hear. She wants me leave her room, thinking she has helped me and I am okay.

So, faking it, is what I am doing.

I read out my last blog to my husband today, whilst crying and he just didn’t know what to do and said nothing. What can he say really.

Now I feel guilty. I wish I had just kept it to myself. My husband didn’t sign up for this, I know it isn’t fair on him.

I feel guilty I am wasting my doctors time. I know she doesn’t really want me on her books. She has more important things to do. I have to stop going, I know that.

I can’t tell anyone how I really feel, because I am scared of the outcome, I feel shame and guilt about it.

It’s always been this way.

I have go along with what other people want/need, because the alternative is worse.

I feel guilty for burdening people with my problems, that I don’t have the strength to sort out.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “I fake positivity for my family, for my children, in counselling.

  1. I know the feeling all too well. It is unfortunate that we have to live most of our lives wearing that mask. It is a terrible feeling.

    • Yes, it is horrible, because I hate anything fake.

      But, the faking for my family, is for their benefit, and it is out of love for them.

      The faking in counselling, I shouldn’t be needing to do.

      Whenever I am not around people, I spend my time numbing out and dissociating as much as I can.

      Which is also a horrible way to live.

      But, we can only do what we are capable of.

  2. Some people are okay with being burdened, and I bet you are capable of a lot.
    http://jwolffblog.wordpress.com

  3. I’m not an expert, but I think it sounds like a survival technique. Peeling back the layers of pain is…well…painful. Our bodies know this. I called the time of faking it “The Perfect Show”…it was actually faking happy to others….still do it a lot. I strive for authenticity in every area of life…it’s very hard. Watching your healing process as your writing evolves is something special. Thank you for sharing and allowing others to see that they are not alone!

  4. You are not alone…. Know that. X

  5. It’s taken me 2 long years for me to finally be honest with my counsellor but it has completely changed me for the better. I understand the immense feelings of guilt all to well but the best thing I ever did was be honest, even just a little bit. To start with just admitting to anyone that your not feeling great is progress. Keep pushing on in therapy cos subconsciously you must want to feel better if you keep going to your counsellor! You deserve so much more than this incredible brave face your putting on for everyone else so don’t give up on helping you xx

    • Thank you for this message, it really does help to know that it can take a long time, to actually be deeply honest about how I feel.

      At the moment, I can’t tell her and just mostly say what she wants to hear.

      I actually feel guilty to tell her anything that contradicts what she thinks or says and I think she wants me to leave thinking I am okay and she has helped me. And I feel bad if I don’t do that, for her.

      When in all reality she is professional enough to not care whether she has helped me or not, she is just doing her job. She switches that off the second I leave her room. So, I know I don’t have to have this need to just say what she wants to hear.

      It’s all part of my complex trauma stuff. I’m not good at expressing verbally how I feel. And my trust issues are massive deep scars.

      • I’m so sorry for your pain, please hold onto the fact that it can and will get better. Right now you can just do what gets you by and slowly work on the things you want to change. I truly believe you can do it so keep the faith ❤