I just read about his on Facebook, and I know I do it, when really I shouldn’t.
I did it at my last counselling appointment, at the end, because she looked at the clock, and said we needed to stop, because she had her students to see.
So I automatically said ‘oh sorry’ and felt flustered.
I know why, because I feel like I don’t deserve to be there.
I know she doesn’t do a lot of counselling and has other more important things to do, and is stuck with doing mine at the moment.
And as she said ‘my students’ – it made me feel worse, because I know I am not meant to be one of ‘her’ clients.
Was this an over-reaction on my part? No doubt yes. Is it unreasonable? Probably.
But it is was it is and I know why I do what I do and I have some degree of self compassion.
The people I have to trust are the ones who I am always the most sensitive around.
I know it’s my issue. But trust and feeling like I don’t ‘deserve’ to be there, is a big issue, for me.
It has crossed my mind, that sub consciously she is trying to get rid of me. I guess I should just ask her outright, but I can’t – because I am too scared of what response to would get.
And I think my people pleasing crap, happens when I don’t think I deserve someone’s time.
I’d rather quit counselling myself, than get an answer that would hurt.
I guess the whole ‘I will push you away, before you can hurt me. Because it will hurt me less to push you away, than be abandoned’.